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    • 5 Ways Your Stuff Is Keeping You Stuck

      by Tisha Morris

      (Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal.)

      When most people think about clutter, they think about a large quantity of unused items in their home, perhaps even bordering on hoarder status. But clutter can also apply to a few items we hold on to that keep us stuck in the past. And, by stuck, I mean preventing you from living the life you want to be living.

      How do we know what items are tethering us to people, places, and things from our past? How do we know when we're stuck and just reliving the past instead of creating our future?

      To answer these questions, we need to understand why we hold on to things to begin with.

      At around two years of age, we begin to realize we are separate beings—separate from our caregivers and separate from things. This is the beginning of our identity formation, or individuation, and we do this through our possessions.

      "This is mine. Mine. Mine. Mine."

      A child begins to find his or her individual expression, or identity formation, through his or her preferences. "I want this doll." "I want this green truck." Of course, this is also the beginning of parental and societal influences on who we should be in the world and therefore what items we should possess.

      Our innate desire towards possessing things for individuation doesn't stop in childhood. Our things have always been and will continue to be an integral way of expressing our identity in the world.

      "I prefer the rose gold iPhone."
      Translation: I'm elegant and appreciate design.

      "I prefer the black Samsung phone."
      Translation: I'm smart and don't fall for fluff.

      Possessing, owning, liking, desiring, or buying things is not the problem. The problem comes when we outgrow certain identities, but keep holding onto those items representing the old identity.

      Around adolescence we encounter our first of many identity crises. Who are we separate from our family? Life gives you more chances, especially during mid-life crisis. Our identity is up for review during key phases and transitional times, such as a job loss, career change, divorce, death of a loved one, or a major move.

      The problem comes when we don't completely shed the old identity to make room for the new one. And since our identity is reflected through our stuff, we hang on to those items that represent the past identities.

      The past not only remains present, but also piles up. This can lead to stagnation, confusion, emotional claustrophobia, regret, lack of direction, weight gain, and depression.

      Here are a few of the common identities we tend to hold on to.

      1. Past Jobs and Careers
        Understandably so, we form strong identities around our work in the world. But what about when we change jobs or careers? It took me years after practicing law before I finally let go of my last business suit.Even though I had no desire to practice law, or, for that matter, to wear business clothes ever again, that last business suit still hung in my closet: Pin-striped from Banana Republic. My cover excuse was "just in case" I need a business suit one day.

        The "just-in-case" excuse is a mental trick for holding on to an old identity. I was getting a lot more out of the attorney identity than I realized. Being an attorney was an aspect of myself that was solid, legitimate, smart, provided well, and, most importantly, positively acknowledged by my family as opposed to the woo-woo self-help junkie.

        Items from past jobs and careers could be clothing, manuals, files, supplies, or even awards. If you're holding on to any of these items from the past, use self-inquiry to get to the root of why you're really holding on to them. Are they still necessary or keeping you from fully stepping into your current job or career?

      2. Past Relationships
        Our identity through relationships runs deep and can be incredibly difficult to move on from. When we go through a break-up or divorce, we have no idea who we are separate from that person. This is often the impetus of what's known as "the dark night of the soul," and also why many people try to avoid this identity crisis by staying in a dead-end relationship or quickly moving into a new one.As you establish a new sense of self outside of the relationship, you are able to let go of items associated with the past relationship. Decluttering items related to the relationship can be extremely cathartic. It can take months or years, depending on the emotional depth, and assist with the grieving process. On the other hand, ignoring or stuffing items away that relate to the relationship can prevent you from attracting a new relationship.
      3. Beauty Products
        Are your cabinets cluttered with beauty products? These are usually stashed in bathroom cabinets and finally get our attention when we run out of space or upon moving. The excuses for hanging on to these products run the gamut: There's almost a whole bottle left. I might still use it. I could use it for travel. Even though it broke my skin out, it might not the next time I try it. It was expensive. I don't want to waste it. I should give it to my sister. Believe it or not, all of those are cover excuses for what's really going on.When one's identity is significantly wrapped around appearance, insecurity can easily rear its head. This is especially true as one gets older and looks begin to fade, at least in terms of societal standards. If I lose my looks, who am I then? Who am I if I'm not the beauty queen? What happens when I no longer look attractive? These are the subconscious fears that lend to purchasing and subsequently holding on to beauty products, even if not used.

        In an attempt to hold on to our beauty, we hold on to beauty products. There is an irrational subconscious belief that by simply possessing these products, even if unused, one's appearance will be maintained or perhaps even improved. Know that loosening your grip on extraneous beauty products will allow more space for your true beauty to shine.

      4. Papers, Magazines, and Ideas
        If beauty products aren't your thing, then maybe piles of papers, magazines, or books are. Papers can come in the form of mail, household papers, magazines, notes, to-do-lists, books, or any other resource on paper.For information junkies, being resourceful is very much a part of their identity. It's where they feel valuable and helpful to the world and derive self-worth. They enjoy the exchange of information on the mental level—learning it for themselves or sharing it with others, usually both. The idea of getting rid of these information resources feels preposterous to them.

        Papers are certainly valuable, but when do they become too much of a good thing? People with too much paper are rarely in denial that they've exceeded their threshold. When you have too much paper, it impedes upon your resourcefulness. There's a desire to lighten your load, but fear swoops in. What if I throw something useful away? What if I need it later? Am I throwing away a good idea? I might need that for a future project. My client might need it.

        The excuses for keeping information run wild. And suddenly these information junkies are stopped in their tracks, feeling paralyzed by the thought of discarding a sliver of paper. When feeling overwhelmed, making logical decisions is impossible. When this is the case, then there's something else at play. The fear that represents the shadow side of being resourceful is feeling out-of-the-loop. This frightens anyone whose identity is based in resourcefulness, even if not aware of it.

        If this feels all too familiar for you, simply acknowledge that information gathering and sharing is a part of who you are. If it is transacted through your work or art, acknowledge that as well. This is an aspect of you that can't be taken away even if every scrap of paper, magazine article, or news clipping were erased from your home or deleted from your hard drive. Life will always bring new and fresh information to you. Resourceful people fear being out of the loop so much that they hang on to paper and information to the point of stagnation. As a result, they lose their resourcefulness—exactly what they fear.

      5. Past Associations and Accomplishments
        Our identity can also get stuck around the glory days, such as captain of the football team, PTO president, Homecoming Queen, being a mother, or even Best Salesman (1998). These are usually viewed as positive times in our life. And although fleeting moments, we try to hold on to them and make the past present.Positive memorabilia certainly has value. But if you are viewing these times as the best days of your life and you're under the age of 99, then consider lightening your load of items related to past identities that are no longer relevant to your current life. There is a fine line between nostalgia and living in the past.

        As you continue to grow and expand, life will only get better and better with each past identity and experience being either a positive reinforcement or a growing pain from which to launch you further. You will experience life to be more enriching than your wildest dreams or even your best past memory.

      Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal. Copyright Llewellyn Worldwide, 2018. All rights reserved.

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    • She's "Under His Spell," One Way or Another

      loveattractslove

      My name is Catherine, and I was born 7/13/69. I’ve been dating Juan, who was born 12/18/67. We’ve been dating for approximately 3 1/2 years. Although I’ve broken up with this man three times, and the last time I thought it was for good, somehow we ended up together again. We’re not getting closer, yet we still keep coming together. A spiritual counselor told me he put a spell on me. I want to be rid of him once and for all, but something always draws me back. He is not a good influence on my life, and has no aspirations. I just want to move on with my life, but I can’t break away. Can you help me get rid of him once and for all?

       – Catherine

      Dreamchaser:

      You don’t have a spell on you, Catherine, so top looking outside for a reason you keep going back; look on the inside instead.

      You go back. No one forces you. It’s a cycle. You leave, he comes crying and begging and saying he will change, and you go back. You leave to get a reaction out of him, and he responds so you are happy and go back. Life returns to normal and you start wanting his attention again. So the cycle continues. You two have broken up more than three times. You had three actual separations, but there have been many more ups and downs here.

      You need to look at this honestly and ask yourself what need is fulfilled when you two reconcile. Then ask yourself how you can get that need fulfilled in a healthier way. You also need to ask yourself what he does and does not fulfill for you in your daily life.

      You can do a whole lot better than him, Catherine. That is what prompts your unhappiness in the first place. He has sucked all the life that you used to have right out of you. You don’t need an excuse to walk away at this point, though God knows he has given you about a million over years. I want you to look back 30 days on the calendar. How many days out of those 30 did you cry over something that he did or said? Now ask yourself if that is normal, or in any way the kind of life you want.

      If you really want to walk away from him, then walk away from him. Do not answer the phone. Do not answer the door. Explain to him that you are leaving him and you do not want him back. Don’t accept any type of communication with him. It seems to be easy for some men to pour on the charm and say just the right thing to make women think that they have changed. He has not changed. He will not change. Nothing he can say is anything that you have not already heard a lot of times. Stay away from him and do not let him talk to you. That is the only way you are going to be able to get free of him.

      If you walk away from him and stay gone, you can and will have a man who treats you as you deserve to be treated. I have no doubt about that. You can be happy; you simply have to choose happiness.

      I want to reiterate that you do not have a spell on you, but just to satisfy your own mind, repeat after me: “I appeal to the God to remove any negative spells or intentions that I may have attached to me. Thank you.”  That will do it. Now live long and prosper.

      I wish you bliss.

      *****

      Astrea:

      It would be too easy to blame your unhappiness on a spell. Sometimes we need to believe we’re out of control and at the mercy of outside forces that can control our feelings, but that doesn’t happen in real life. We make choices and we pay the price for those choices. There isn’t any kind of spell on you. Even if someone tried that, it wouldn’t work.

      Three and a half years is a very long time to spend with someone you feel is not good for you. No spell I’ve ever heard of would keep a negative relationship going that long. The person who told you that you were helpless and under Juan’s spell obviously was just looking for an easy answer so that you would fork over some cash.

      Beware of any psychic who tells you something like that. I’ve heard many horror stories over the years about paying someone to break a spell. Usually this ends up hurting the person seeking help in her bank account, and does nothing to alleviate the actual toxic situation. You have enough to deal with in your life without having an unscrupulous phony reader take you for a ride financially, too!

      Do you like feeling frightened and under a spell? I think you’re ready to take control of your own life and see where that kind of power will take you! Don’t buy into this nonsense. You’re a smart, strong young woman with your whole life ahead of you. Three years can turn into 30 if you let it. Have an honest and frank talk with Juan about what you want and expect from this relationship. If he doesn’t feel he can meet your needs, it’s, “Goodbye, Juan, and don’t let the door hit you on your way out!” That may be all he needs to hear to start working with you on the kind of happy, healthy partnership you really want.

      It’s only human to look for those easy answers: “I have bad Karma” or “I have bad luck with guys” or “Someone put a spell on me.” You’re the only person who can decide what you’ll think, say and do, and you’re the only one who can create real change in your life.

      People do what they want to do. The problem here is that you don’t really want to be away from Juan. You might really, truly love the guy, warts and all!  After all this time together, you don’t want to break up with him, you want him to change. The way to make that happen is for the two of you to get some competent couples counseling. It’s time to find out if he is capable of helping you create a healthier relationship.

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