KAJAMA.COM NEWSLETTER

by Cyndi Dale

(Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal.)

We've all been there. Maybe we are there, stuck in a toxic relationship. We perceive the other person as negative, pessimistic, troubled, and irritating. As much as we'd like to blame them for all the troubles, however, we know that we "let" them "trip" our button. It's like they are surrounded by a dark cloud that makes us cough not nice words right back at them.

It's one thing if we can avoid the person. Sometimes this isn't possible, especially if we're related to that special Pigpen (the character in Charles Schultz's cartoon strip, Peanuts, who is surrounded by a cloud of dust). What if our poisonous pill is a parent, sibling, child, co-worker, or even our spouse?

There are a lot of great books and systems featuring techniques for taking the sting out of our lethal interactions. After all, we really don't have to bite back. We can choose to leave the kitchen when our mother is criticizing our cooking for the umpteenth time (a common occurrence in my life as frankly, I can't cook peanut butter on celery). But, sometimes we can't seem to control our responses. When this occurs, we need to dig deeper into our psyche than perhaps we're used to. We must excavate our souls and transform ourselves.

As I explore in my book, Beyond Soul Mates, most relationships connect on the soul-to-soul level. Our soul is that part of us that travels through time-gathering experiences in order to learn about love. In the course of our interactions, we gain the ability to bond and care, to give and receive compassion. We also get hurt. This hurt becomes the basis of misconceptions about love, which lead to our participation in toxic relationships.

Think about it. How many dysfunctional beliefs do you think you hold in regard to love? Many of us suffer a deep sense of unworthiness or lack of deserving. Certain soul-based relationships trigger these inner sensations; these are the ones that feel toxic to us. These are the ones that drive us crazy. These are also the ones presenting us with a great gift, the chance to change our innermost and darkest beliefs so they reflect our true self, the essential self that knows it is lovable and deserving of love.

The basic process is simple.

Our soul holds all our misconceptions about love, such as, "I am unworthy," or, "Intimacy is too frightening," or, "I will only be love if I suffer fools." Our true self, on the other hand, knows the truth. It believes in its own and others' sincere goodness and worthiness. It knows that love is innate to us all. It also knows it doesn’t need to engage in unhealthy behaviors.

Shifting our soul beliefs to true-self beliefs is actually easiest to do when we're involved in negative relationships because our issues are so clear. In smooth relationships, we don't have to question the thoughts and feelings secreted inside of our psyche; we're already content with what is going on. But bad relationships? The beliefs that make us mistreat others or accept the same are constantly swirling up. They are literally "on the table," asking us to examine and transform them.

We shift our negative beliefs by concentrating on what our true self knows as truthful. While our soul is screaming, "I only deserve abusive relationships," or, "I have to be in charge of others," or, "I don't need to be safe," our true self is whispering, "I deserve the equal exchange of kindness," or, "I get to be with people who are nice."

By focusing on the beliefs innate to our true self, we can spirit away our soul's misconceptions. How do we do this?

If involved in a toxic relationship, I recommend that you actually list your soul's misconceptions and compare them to your true self's awareness. Now decide you are going to express your true self's beliefs and ignore your soul's misconceptions. You'll notice you begin to engage with others, yes, even your toxic partners, out of the spiritual qualities amenable to your true self. Your own behavior will change, inviting the same in others—or not. Either way, you'll like yourself better.

Sometimes we shift the negative beliefs in our soul and the relationship changes for the better. This process worked between my mother and myself.

Quite simplistically, we have never gotten along; we're like oil and water. In fact, I spent most of my childhood railing against her every statement. A few years ago I decided it was time to embody my true self's beliefs and I started to be more kind, gentle, and straightforward with her. My mother responded with increased wit and joy. Now we actually enjoy each other's company and laugh about our idiosyncrasies.

Sometimes the expression of our core self eliminates a relationship from our life landscape. For instance, I once dated a man whose every move sent me to the moon. One of his favorite activities was to break up with me when his life was stressed. I swear that it was a hobby for him. I ask for help with Thanksgiving dinner? He's on the run. I suggest that he move his suitcase out of the way so I can get through the hotel room door? He would say he was finished with me.

In a typical relationship, I would have suggested that he remain on the run. Unfortunately—or fortunately—I too frequently hooked my childhood and soul-based issues and react, feeling unworthy and scared. The abandonment I experienced in childhood set me up to be okay with being abandoned as an adult.

By concentrating on my true self's beliefs instead of my soul issues, however, I began to gain confidence in my own worthiness. I started saying, "no" a lot more. And I stopped seeing this individual altogether.

We can't always avoid toxic relationships but we can use them to our own loving advantage. We can shift from our soul to our true self and in the process, embody the best of ourselves. Who knows who will respond?

Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal. Copyright Llewellyn Worldwide, 2012. All rights reserved.

My name is Tammy, and I'm writing because I keep having horrific nightmares. They are full of Satanic, evil, demonic-looking beings who keep morphing into different forms. I haven't had a pleasant dream in over 10 years - I just have nightmare after nightmare. I'm wondering what this means, and if perhaps these nasty beings are actually attached to me in some way. I am a dancer in a strip bar, but I'm not a bad person! Someone told me that this could have something to do with past life experiences. What do you think? Is this normal? Are these more than just dreams on some level?

- Tammy

Dreamchaser:

I try to keep my answers general so that a great number of our readers will be able to relate to the subject matter each week. With this question, however, I'm going to have to get more personal, Tammy. While I'm sure there will be other readers who can relate to your situation, this particular answer is just for you.

As I often explain here, not every spiritual being is a beautiful, full-of-love and light angel. Sometimes astral entities are downright ugly and scary. If you view such beings as Satanic and evil, that is YOUR interpretation of their energy - it does not mean that you are accurately interpreting the identities of these beings.

You did get part of it right, Tammy: while these beings are negative or demonic, they are not necessarily demonic in exactly the way you've been thinking.

Your childhood was one of the worst I have psychically viewed in a while. You suffered profoundly at the hands of some horrific people. You don't really talk about your childhood very much. You're happy you got out of it alive and in one piece, for the most part, so you try to tell yourself that it wasn't that bad.

Well Tammy, it was that bad. The reason I know this is because these beings in your dreams are YOUR demons. Every punch, every sexual assault, every verbally abusive word, every emotional trauma has a demon attached to it.

We create our own demons, and these ones are yours. These are the thoughts, feelings, words, etc., that you suppressed, shoved down and never spoke about. They come to you in your dreams because that is the only place they can be aired, for you have completely shut them out of your waking world. Drugs and alcohol tend to have that effect.

If you want healing, and you want the demons to go away, I recommend you purchase and sincerely work through a book entitled Living through the Meantime, by Iyanla Vanzant.

Also, long ago I learned that the word but nullifies everything that comes before it. For example, if someone says to us, I love you but you make me crazy, the only thing we hear on a subconscious level is you make me crazy.

You said, I am a dancer in a strip bar, but I'm not a bad person! You are right - you are not a bad person. What you do for a living does not concern me - but it obviously does concern you.

If you exorcise your demons, your whole life will change. To get going with this process, just start doing the work in the book I recommended for you above.

These are your demons, and you created them, so you can make them go away. Nothing from the dark side is out to get you. You are not a bad person; in fact, you have great potential for goodness, but you must believe in yourself and love yourself enough to change your life for the better.

I wish you healing on ALL levels.

*****

Astrea:

There are lots of old-fashioned ways to get rid of bad dreams. Some people say to turn your shoes in opposite directions and place them under the bed. Some say to put a piece of silver at the foot of your bed, and some say to place rosemary at the head of your bed.

St. Benedict is said to ward off bad dreams, and some Christians believe that hanging a St. Benedict medal over your bed will ward off nightmares. An arrowhead in a glass of water by your bed is an old American recipe for driving away nightmares.

Ten years is a long time to have nightmares every night! While night terrors come and go in many people's lives, this is more than that.

My first suggestion is that you seek some help from a medical doctor, for you need something to help you sleep a DREAMLESS sleep for a while. You need to break the pattern of having a nightmare every night. If you consult with a psychotherapist or any healer about any matter, be sure to mention your nightmares.

Of course you are not a bad person! Dancing in a strip bar is just a job, but spending so much time in a bar is another matter. Bars are full of negative vibrations. People are selling and buying drugs and bodies there, and trying to forget their problems.

The dream creatures you see represent the worst forms of the people who work at and frequent the bar. Can you correlate the people in your waking life to the ones you're dreaming?

You are a sponge and soak all that negativity up because you're more sensitive than other people. That negativity then comes out in your dreams.

This is not something you can turn off and on like a faucet, so perhaps it's time to work in some other kind of place, doing something different for a living. The negativity you've felt in those places has built up over the years, and your subconscious is doing everything it can to tell you it's time to get out of that business.

Of course, that is easier said than done. Dancing in strip bars can be as addictive as drugs for some people. It's very easy to be seduced by the money and even the glamour of this line of work. Some people can work in a bar forever and never take a bit of that bar energy home with them, but you can't. It has become too much for you, Tammy, and you have to get out of there.

Find something else that you really enjoy doing, and get to work on doing that for a living. Is it decorating? Singing? Acting? Accounting? Is it another type of dancing? Is it teaching?

There is something in your heart that you've always wanted to do for a career, and the nightmares are trying to push you in that direction. Decide what you want to do after you end your career as a stripper, and start making plans and taking ACTIONS to make that your reality.

I believe as soon as you're engaged in something new and wonderful, your nightmares will naturally end.