KAJAMA.COM NEWSLETTER

We hope you’ll enjoy this interview with Linda about the book.

# # #

Tell us what you mean when you say in Love Skills that, “Love is an inside job.”

Many of the troubles we experience in relationships emerge from conflicts to which we ourselves contribute, behaviors we simply tolerate that cause silent resentment to build, and unexamined parts of our own psyches. The health of our intimate connections depends on how we deal with our own lingering demons and on our own motivation to grow and change.

What is the difference between love and loving?

Love is a feeling. Loving is a skill set that depends less on how we feel and more on what we do.

You say that a key message of many of the lessons in Love Skills is that “The wave is not the ocean.” What do you mean by that?

The times that feel the most perfect or intolerable between you and your partner will pass. There will always be another wave, another change. The ocean is made up of millions of individual waves, and a long-term relationship is made up of millions of moments, seasons, and times that are both delightful and painful. None of it is permanent; there will always be another wave.

The heart of Love Skills comes from the Love Cycles model you shared in your previous book, which explains that relationships develop in predictable stages, each of which presents its own challenges. What are the five stages of lasting love?

The first stage, fueled by a powerful love potion and marked by brain chemistry changes, causes us to become obsessed with the wonder and delight of our new partner. In this stage, we tend to see only the good, the similarities, and the possibilities.

The seductive power of this stage may also cause us to fall in love with an inappropriate partner. With consciousness and effort, we can choose what to do with our feelings. Do we fan the flames of a potentially dangerous fire, or do we control our passion and turn our attention elsewhere?

If we choose to move with our partner into Stage Two, Doubt and Denial, we wake up from the infatuation and begin to wonder whether this relationship is really the best choice. We find that our feelings of love are becoming more conditional, and power struggles are arising. We wonder whether our partner has changed.

During this stage, the spotlight shines on our beloved’s flaws. We now invest a lot of energy into getting our lover to become the partner we thought they would be. We are forced to give up our dream of perfect, unconditional love in which our partner always sees the best in us, says the right thing, never embarrasses us, and reads our mind so that they can please us in every way possible.

As our disappointment escalates, so do our biological responses to stress; we prepare for war, retreat, or don camouflage. Welcome to the third stage: Disillusionment. As differences continue to emerge, our proclivities to defend and preserve ourselves may grow even stronger; we may believe that we’re always in the right. Alternatively, those of us who cannot bear conflict shut our ears to every dissonant chord and pretend that everything is wonderful — or at least tolerable.

The point is that we choose how to respond. In this stage, it is particularly vital to move from reactivity to rationality. When we are calmly present, we are free to act for the good of the relationship rather than out of fear or neediness.

Of course, because we’re thoroughly human, we won’t always respond to our lover from our highest selves. Then what? Can we apologize, make amends, and take responsibility for how we’ve behaved, despite what our partner has done? We have the power to make that choice.

Let’s say that when we reach the fourth stage — Decision — we part ways. Can we wish our former partner the best? If that’s too hard, can we at least not wish them the worst?

If we remain together, we have the opportunity to learn lessons that will help to make us the best person we can be while also giving our relationship the chance to grow and deepen. This is where we enter the fifth stage: Wholehearted Loving. No longer two halves trying to make a whole, we are two complete people learning about love. Passion, safety, and generosity return to the relationship, along with humor and empathy.

You say that there are three magic words when it comes to communicating with our partner. What are they?

We often equate the expression “three magic words” with “I love you.” But there are three other magic words that can allow you to discover important things about your partner (and others) that you’d never have imagined. Just as important, these words will help your partner to feel deeply cared about and seen — and to want to respond to you in kind. The words are, “Tell me more.”
“Tell me more” is a powerful phrase when backed by a genuine willingness to pay attention to the answers. Listening with true presence — that is, taking in what the other is saying without judging, suggesting, or trying to fix — is a gift that we can offer another person.

You encourage couples to pay attention to four transition times throughout their day. What are they, and why are they important?

It actually takes very little time to feed and nourish a relationship if we do it consistently. Big trips away and long weekends are great, but research clearly shows that it is steady, consistent, and frequent nurturing that makes a real difference. The four transition times are waking up, parting for the day, coming back together at the day’s end, and going to sleep. If we put three minutes’ worth of connection into each of those times, we can have a huge impact on our relationship.

What is the main message you hope readers will take away from Love Skills?

Love is a feeling. We call it “FALLING IN LOVE”; it takes no skills, decisions, or mindfulness. Loving is a skill set, and we can all get better at it. I have spent my lifetime teaching the skills to hundreds — actually, thousands — of students. I have studied with the smartest people I could find to learn them; but, most importantly, I have practiced them in my own life — in my relationships with the people who matter most, especially my partner of 35 years. We can all get better at loving, and Love Skills offers a tried and true roadmap for how to do that.

Linda Carroll is the author of Love Skills and Love Cycles. While she has worked as a therapist and couple’s coach for over three decades and has acquired numerous certificates and degrees along the way, she says that her own thirty-five-year marriage is the primary source of her knowledge when it comes to the cycles of love. Visit her online at LindaCarroll.com.

Excerpted from the book Love Skills. Copyright ©2020 by Linda Carroll. Printed with permission from New World Library.

I've been in a very troubling relationship for the past five years. When I met my lover, he was married but separated from his wife, and in the process of getting a divorce. Since they divorced, his ex has used their three boys to try to win him back. For example, he is only allowed to see his kids if he does things with her. A few years into our relationship, we had a son together, and our son is now one year old. He left me when I was three weeks pregnant, and has come and gone from our relationship a number of times. Recently I learned that I am pregnant again, which is incredible, since I had to have all sorts of fertility treatments to get pregnant the first time. Before I learned I was pregnant this time, I went to visit his mother's grave. (His mother was murdered by his father when my lover was just two years old). I sat at her grave and cried and prayed for her to help my relationship with her son, both for my sake and for the sake of her grandson. I asked for a sign of what I should do - if I should let him go or keep trying to work things out. Just over a month later, I learned that I was pregnant again, and had conceived around the time I visited her grave. A psychic told me that this child needs to be born, that it is someone who did not fulfill their life's purpose. Do you believe this is possible? If so, could the spirit of this child be his mother, whose life ended in such a tragic way? I look forward to hearing from you. Mahalo and Aloha!

Teia

Dreamchaser:

While the psychic was correct, this child is not your lover's mother reincarnated. I will go into that more in a minute so that you fully understand.

Our souls pick lessons that we need to learn. Then our souls pick the lifetimes, geographic regions and most importantly, the people that we need to live with. I know this is hard to fathom for those who have had really horrible lives full of abuse, neglect and hardly any love, but not every lifetime is pretty, and not every lifetime is full of love and prosperity.

To every day, there is also a night. To have good and prosperous lifetimes, we must also go through more challenging lifetimes. Our souls learn much in both kinds of experiences.

Both of my kids were birth control pill babies who CHOSE to come here. Souls choose their paths and then things just happen. The child that you are asking about is proof of this. This child needed your DNA and your lover's DNA. This child chose you as parents, and to be born into this particular situation to learn certain soul lessons.

You and your lover are helping this soul fulfill the path that it chose before coming back here to Earth. So yes, the psychic was right. In order for our souls to fulfill their purpose, they must live all the lifetimes they need to live and learn all the lessons they need to learn. Then and only then can we ascend and stay on the Otherside as spiritually realized beings.

You need to know that his mother cannot really help you with your relationship with your lover. No one on the Otherside can by-pass free will or personal choice. She cannot make her son do anything - no one can, not even God.

Your lover has to choose what he wants here with you, whether that means he lives with you and your kids or the other woman and her kids. Obviously, he is going back and forth on this because he can't decide what he wants to do. This has to be HIS choice, so no one who can do or say something that will change how this is right now.

I have a message for you from his mother: You need to do what is best for you and yours. I know you love my son, but your needs and the needs of your children should come first. You can't stay tore up all the time and not eat properly or sleep properly and live a healthy and successful life. It is even worse when you are pregnant. Take care of you first, then your kids, and THEN worry about him. PLEASE.

I wish you all good health on all levels.

*****

Astrea:

Oh, Beloved, the baby you're carrying may very well need to be born to fulfill its own life, but it is not your lover's deceased mother. This baby is a product of a relationship which has been torn since the beginning, and needs to heal.

While expected children are capable of great miracles, you need to begin to create NEW miracles in your own life to prepare for the coming of this new baby. This child will indeed CLARIFY your relationship, but it will not cause your lover's heart to heal to the point that he can be the strong person you need him to be for you.

While I am sure his mother heard your prayers, departed family members are rarely found in a cemetery. It is, however, a good place to say prayers and have them heard. Lots of spirits were probably present when you prayed. The reason you easily became pregnant was because in those moments, you were cleansed of the emotional and physical problems that caused it to be so difficult for you to become pregnant before. Tears cleanse EVERYTHING in our lives. Water is emotion, and emotions flowing are always healing - even when they aren't happy emotions.

Unfortunately, your man has not had a similar cleansing experience in his life yet. That poor man has been damaged by his awful family circumstances, but also by his own poor choices. Your lover's life is fraught with drama. From the time his mother was murdered by his father in that drunken state (I see the whole thing), he has sought drama every day, and made it his God.

The poor man has never known a moment of peace or bliss. Violence stalks him daily. He doesn't know how to be any other way but the way he is. He loves you deeply, but he needs help in the form of lots of therapy. He blames himself for his mother's death, and that is something he's going to have to get over alone.

Someone did hear your prayer, and you've been given this child to love and care for. The child will bring great luck and happiness to your life whether your lover is around or not. I see a new man in your life who is going to change the way you think about relationships forever. That man will come to you right after the baby is born.

You're in Hawaii. Make an offering of orchids to Pele and ask Her to bring peace to you and your lover. She knows about violence and how to heal it. She'll help you, help him, and help the new life you're about to be given.

I'm praying for your peace of mind and your total happiness!