KAJAMA.COM NEWSLETTER


An excerpt from We Are the Luckiest by Laura McKowen

Before Laura McKowen got sober, she had a long, successful career in public relations in the Mad Men-esque drinking culture of the advertising industry, where “liquid lunches were frequent and drinking at your desk in the late afternoon was perfectly normal.” In the five years since she stopped drinking, she has become one of the foremost voices in the modern recovery movement.

In her new memoir We Are the Luckiest: The Surprising Magic of a Sober Life (New World Library, January 7, 2020), McKowen flips the script on how we talk about addiction and encourages readers not to ask, “Is this bad enough that I have to change?” but rather, “Is this good enough for me to stay the same?”

We hope you’ll enjoy this excerpt from the book.

I knew drinking was going to be my thing long before the night of our mom’s sixtieth birthday party, even if I refused to let that knowing arrive fully into my consciousness. I knew it in college when one of my guy friends, while retelling a story from a crazy party we’d been at the night before, joked that I probably wouldn’t remember — because I was always too drunk to remember — and I felt like crawling into a hole and dying.

I knew it in my twenties, living in Boston, when my girlfriends continually joked about whose turn it was to take care of me, before we went out to the bars.

I knew it by the urgency I felt chugging champagne before my wedding, and I knew it later, after my husband and I learned I was pregnant. I drank the occasional glass here and there throughout my pregnancy — sometimes pushing the limit from one to one and a half glasses — but aside from the wine not feeling good physically, I realized how much I relied on it to soften my experience.

It was so incomplete to me, so unsatisfying, to have only one glass. To have a limit.

Often in those pregnant months, I’d be going about my day and suddenly be struck by an overwhelming urge to reach for wine. Something to take the edge off. And not being able to drink sent a surprising jolt of panic through me. Before my pregnancy, my drinking could at least be contextualized. I was having fun, going out after work, hanging out with the girls, Sunday Funday, “relaxing.” But now that I couldn’t have a drink anytime I wanted one, it was alarming how often I wanted one.

It was the first time it had scratched at my consciousness that perhaps drinking had morphed elusively into something I not only liked but also needed. If not physically, then certainly emotionally.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever needed something like this.

Maybe you top off your drink when nobody’s looking, like I used to do. Maybe you’re like my friend Brent and you eat McDonald’s Big Macs and whole Domino’s cheese pizzas in your car on the way home from work, before dinner. Maybe you can’t leave a man who regularly beats the hell out of you, even though when he knocked you unconscious last week, you swore it was the last time. Maybe you’re the one who’s been slicing into your body with razor blades since you were sixteen, because the pain needs a place to go.

Maybe — maybe your thing is less severe or more socially acceptable, like staying at the office past your kids’ bedtime most nights because work is the only place you feel in control, or maybe you wrestle with crippling perfectionism. Maybe it’s the red-hot hatred you feel toward every woman pushing a stroller since you discovered you couldn’t get pregnant last spring, or maybe you keep trying to untangle the knot of rage in your chest that just never leaves.

I don’t know what your thing is, but alcohol was mine.

And here is the thing we must know about our things if we are ever going to survive them: We believe we can bury them, when the truth is, they’re burying us. They will always bury us, eventually.

If you know your thing, that’s good news, although I know it doesn’t feel that way. It doesn’t mean it’s fair. It doesn’t mean letting go and moving through will be easy. It doesn’t mean you have any idea what the f@#k to do next — I certainly didn’t. It just means you’re no longer willing or able to fight to keep it in your life.

Laura McKowen is the author of We Are the Luckiest. She is a former public relations executive who has become recognized as a fresh voice in the recovery movement. Beloved for her soulful and irreverent writing, she leads sold-out yoga-based retreats and other courses that teach people how to say yes to a bigger life. Visit her online at www.lauramckowen.com.

Excerpted from the book We Are the Luckiest. Copyright ©2020 by Laura McKowen. Printed with permission from New World Library.

I recently met a man I felt an instant and intense connection to. I had a sense of knowing that this person was going to be part of my life. We spoke several times and learned we have lots in common, but since we met once in person, he hasn't contacted me again. I feel upset about this, like I've lost a special friend - maybe even a soul mate. Until I met him, I thought I would never want to have another love relationship, but meeting and talking to him have made me rethink that position and what I want from life and love. Could that be his purpose in entering my life - to awaken me to love in general, so I can meet someone else? Or is it possible that the two of us will indeed connect in the future? If we're not meant to be, why would I have that sense of knowing?
- Kyle

Dreamchaser:

We humans often get confused about the whole soul mate thing, so here is a quick run-down:

We do not get just one soul mate; we get approximately five per lifetime. The Universe/God/Spirit does not want us to be without love if we desire it. If for some reason a relationship with a soul mate doesn't work out, we won't be doomed to live without love forever. Instead, the Universe will bring us another soul mate. We are not limited to just one shot at true love in each lifetime.

The second misconception people have is the belief that once we meet a soul mate, nothing will ever break us up, and we'll live together happily ever after. This is so wrong.

The Universe may bring us together, but after that, free will and personal choice take over. We CHOOSE what happens in every relationship, and long-term connections require lots of hard work and open communication.

Just because you meet someone like this guy doesn't mean he is going to choose to allow you into his life, or that he will even choose to allow LOVE into his life. Obviously, this man has some big fears that have caused him to back away. That's his choice, and since we have free will, the Universe has to allow that choice.

When we meet a soul mate, our minds do this meld thing between the past and the present. Your soul remembers this person, so a part of you is very excited and happy to see an old friend.

Your logical mind knows that you have never met this person before, however, so your head warns you to go slow, get to know him better before giving your heart away, etc. As a result, you experience a constant battle between your head and your heart/intuition.

This guy came to show you that you could choose to fall in love again. You are the one who has been holding love off - it hasn't been staying away from you by itself. Love is an energy that spreads over EVERYONE.

As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. You have now changed how you look at romantic love, so romantic love has changed for you. This man helped you do that by coming into your life.

At this point, it doesn't really matter if he comes back or not. Your heart has opened back up, so you are on your way to new love. I know you think you want him and only him, but if you close yourself off to other possibilities, you will really limit the Universe's ability to help you find fulfillment. Stay open to all possibilities now that your heart is open to love again.

I wish you much love and happiness.

*****

Astrea:

There's an old saying about people coming into our lives for a reason or a season, but I don't buy it. We invite people to come into our lives because we think they might prove to be good lovers or friends. Just because we find them exciting or interesting doesn't mean there is some mysterious connection or divine intervention at work.

We want to be around certain people because we like their company: when our vibrations interact, they strike a pleasing chord. It's also human nature for us to want everyone to like us and feel affection for us.

Sometimes we get lucky in relationships, and end up truly liking each other. Other times we misjudge someone and project onto them the qualities we want them to have. Then we are eventually disappointed, and feel foolish for investing so much of ourselves in that relationship.

Sometimes our relationships are indeed based on karmic connections from past lives, while at other times, we attract new souls into our experience in order to learn some life lesson.

Right now, it's popular to believe that people come into our lives for some deeper reason, something beyond our simple desire to experience however that person usually makes us feel. If that person doesn't return our interest, we end up suffering and struggling to figure out what went wrong.

With cyber connections, often there is lots of evidence that the other person will be a wonderful partner, right up until the day we meet. If that person then treats us very differently in person than they have online, we naturally become sad and confused by their actions.

We have to accept that sometimes, people looking for love online will either outright lie or simply tell us what they think we want to hear in order to get what they think they want. Sometimes the other person has high hopes and is just as innocent as we are, but upon meeting us, they are turned off by our appearance, mannerisms or a lack of chemistry.

Loving, caring individuals will try to get past that by hanging in there and looking for the positive. Immature, self-centered and insensitive people who are just out for a good time may drop all contact and never see us again if they don't think we're perfect for them at first sight.

This is the kind of person you encountered here. He misrepresented himself online - he certainly didn't seem like someone who would pull a hit and run meeting like he did. The world has many mean, insincere people in it - don't let this one discourage you from looking for someone with whom you can create true love!