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by Alexandra Chauran

(Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal.)

Middle age gets an undeserved reputation for crises. Some blame the stars, pointing to a rough Saturn Return painting the astrological skies. But, realistically, the rash actions that we associate with a midlife crisis can happen at any and every phase in life. Once you recognize that strife and struggle between two opposing outlooks can cause a spiritual and emotional crisis, you'll see that many stages of life have a similar challenge. As the author of Getting Through It: Reclaim and Rebuild Your Life After Adversity, Change, or Trauma, I'd like to introduce you to the many crises of life so that you won't feel so alone.

Trust Versus Mistrust
Psychologist Erik Erikson wrote a theory about psychological development that proposed that we are all supposed to go through emotional crises in life. We intuitively know that this is true, since popular culture widely accepts the idea of teenage identity crisis and a mid-life crisis during adulthood. Erikson noted, however, that some crises come about out of order and are triggered by something big happening later in life, just like what’s happening to you now. So, for example, if you skipped the identity crisis in your teenage years, you might have it later in life. If you find out that you have a life-limiting illness, you might go through a crisis that you weren't due for until old age. Over the next few paragraphs, we'll explore the Eriksonian crises and how you can process them now, if necessary.

Consider the crisis of trust versus mistrust. At some point in your life, you hopefully learned to trust people, such as a caregiver when you were an infant. If you never learned to trust, you may find your crisis is forcing you to place your trust in a professional, the medical industry, or the judicial system. Write in your journal how you feel about the people in whom you should place your trust, and how you can work through this crisis, if applicable. Explore areas of trust and mistrust in your life, seeking to find a balance of reasonable trust.

Autonomy Versus Shame and Doubt
Very young children insist, "I can do it myself" when attempting daily tasks, with varying degrees of success. If we were supported by loving parents who also encouraged a healthy degree of independence when we were toddlers, chances are that we were able to develop a similarly healthy autonomy. If, however, we were smothered or neglected or somehow skipped this stage, a traumatic event can leave us feeling hopelessly incompetent.

Remember that one of the few emotions that you should try to actively prevent yourself from feeling is shame. If you are feeling shame connected with your level of dependence on others or isolation from those who can help you, this crisis is one that you should explore and resolve. Reach for your inner source of competence and power, and tell yourself that mistakes along the way to independence are okay. If there are people in your life who do not support any degree of independence on your part, talk with them and set up some boundaries that help you find more freedom. Write in your journal about any shame you feel connected to your independence or lack thereof.

Initiative Versus Guilt
Preschool-age children move into a crisis of making their own independent choices and learning to live with their own responsibility for outcomes. You can probably pick out the people in your life who never fully resolved this conflict because they have a hard time taking responsibility for their own mistakes. Always have compassion for the people who experience a sensation of guilt that feels too great to bear. Your current situation might cause you to spiral back into the preschool age thought that you might have somehow caused misfortunes that are no fault of your own.

If you are still feeling a sense of guilt over the course of your life, you might just be living through another iteration of the initiative versus guilt crisis. Look at your situation with a reasonable eye, perhaps with the assistance of your most trusted loved ones or a qualified professional. If there is something that you can reasonably do to mitigate your current situation, by all means you should take the initiative to try. However, it does no good to attempt to blame yourself for random happenstance or to continue to beat yourself up over past choices. Write in your journal about any past decisions related to your condition that make you feel guilty, then write down anything that is still your responsibility to improve.

Industry Versus Inferiority
School-aged children move through a crisis of industry versus inferiority in which they attempt to work harder on jobs at school and, if they are unable to complete that work for whatever reason, they may spiral into a sense of never being able to complete the work. I can tell you that my six-year-old son is going through this phase right now, and he often quits his chores or schoolwork before he's given them an honest effort. Unfortunately, traumatized adults can feel echoes of this early life crisis when some calamity makes it quite impossible to honour their obligations at work or at school.

You'll know if you're going through the industry versus isolation crisis all over again if you know for a fact that nobody would blame you for doing less work and yet you find that you're inwardly calling yourself lazy or inferior. Explore in your journal any work that you are missing because you miss being productive. Brainstorm some new ways that you can feel just as industrious without putting your health and healing at risk.

Identity Versus Role Confusion
Ah, now we've landed upon the cliche identity crisis experienced by teenagers around the world. While we might remember with fondness the silly outfits and fads that we tried in order to experience new roles in our social circles, the identity crisis thrust upon us by trauma and tragedy is terrifying and invalidating. Are you the type of person you are because of the deeds that you do? If the answer to that question is yes, you'll struggle once you can't do the same activities anymore. You will be thrust into the very real conundrum of trying to figure out what aspects of your personality are stable attributes, and to what inner virtues you can cling when everything else is stripped away.

Sometimes other people can be more perceptive when you are confused about yourself. Ask people closest to you to name three adjectives that describe you, and what they thought about you when they first met you. You will likely notice a pattern about what people say about you, regardless of what point in your life they met you. Once you have a list of a few stable attributes people have noticed before and after whatever events have shaped you now, meditate on those personality traits and how to best express them in the world. Quiz your loved ones: What are three words that describe you? What is the first thing that he or she noticed about you when you met?

Intimacy Versus Isolation
As young adulthood matures into midlife, many people turn to companionship and the search for a soulmate. Couplehood is not the ultimate achievement in life, and there are plenty of people who are joyfully single. However, most people continue to seek intimacy (if not in a romantic relationship, tha=en in their friendships and family interactions). If your problems have caused a best friend or even a spouse to take their leave from your life, you will find yourself spiraling into a crisis of feeling isolated by your issues. It may feel like nobody in your life understands what you are going through, and such feelings are reinforced by well-meaning attempts by others to draw parallels between your personal tragedy and what may seem to be relatively minor troubles of their own.

My experience with isolation has been a rough one, since I lost a spouse and three of my closest friends with whom I connected every day. I can confirm that, if you lose enough people who are close to you, it can feel like there can be nobody else, because those people you lost fill your entire social horizon. There can be others with whom you can connect on an emotionally intimate level, but such connections cannot happen overnight. You'll need time, perhaps months, to witness whether you can trust your deepest thoughts with somebody who is shifting from being an acquaintance to a friend, or from a friend to a good friend. If you witness signs that somebody is a gossiper or overreacts to anything more than small talk, it is better to be lonely a bit longer while waiting for the right connection to develop.

Evaluate the friends that are currently in your life. Have some of them transitioned from being an acquaintance to being a friend? Of your current friends, are there any who could potentially be a good friend? Are your potential good friends trustworthy with your heart? Invite a friend to tea and see if you can talk about what is important in your lives.

Generativity Versus Stagnation
The midlife crisis may be more technically described as one of generativity versus stagnation, meaning contributions to others and future generations or feeling stuck and self-absorbed. Any traumatic event requires so much self-care that one can easily feel selfish. There is so much navel-gazing to do in pursuit of finding one's true purpose in life in the face of limited.

In your journal, I'd like you to write about what pursuits in your life, regardless of whether you still do them, have been a fulfilling way for you to contribute to your community, the planet, or to future generations. For some people, your interactions at work in one of your jobs may have been a source of generativity. For other people, time spent raising a family or caring for one's elders. Make a list that encompasses the first time you felt fulfilled with your contributions to the last time. Make note of anything that each of your pursuits had in common and any barriers you had to success.

Ego Integrity Versus Despair
The last Eriksonian crisis point reached in life is that of old age, ego integrity versus despair. Ego integrity is the state of being satisfied with a life well-lived, having come to terms with the choices you've made and feeling like you've generally done the best you can with what you have. Despair is what Erikson decided was the emotion in play when elderly people became obsessed with the past. Ideally, you would only encounter this crisis during your golden years, but if you're facing life-limiting illness or if you're just an overachiever you might end up puzzling over this one at a younger age.

Everyone has made mistakes in life, and some of your own mistakes may loom large during a time when it feels right to consider your life in review. Practice self-forgiveness. Some people pray for forgiveness from the divine, but if you cannot forgive yourself, your sense of crisis may remain. Take time in meditation today to talk to your higher self. Instead of begging yourself for forgiveness, try to inhabit the perspective of your higher self to become your own loving parent and forgive yourself. During any past mistakes that still haunt you, see yourself as somebody's wayward child. See the youth and immaturity in past choices and wrap yourself in love, comfort, and forgiveness. Forgive yourself for past mistakes in the same way that a loving and divine parent would forgive.

Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal. Copyright Llewellyn Worldwide, 2020. All rights reserved.

Three months before I moved house to live in another town, I had a vision of a man I didn't regonize. I had been asleep and woke up to find him standing at the end of my bed, just staring at me with a blank expression on his face. I remember thinking that he was good looking but not familiar. A little freaked out, I turned over and then looked back and he was gone! At my son's new school I then met him; it was the same man from my vision! There seemed to be some recognition from his side as well; there is a huge magnetic attraction between us even though we both have other partners. Another point is we seem to bump into each other more than normal when out and about in diffrent places. I would like to understand why I saw him before I saw him and what it all means, if anything. Do you think this man is important to me, or should I run as fast as I can? Thank you for your advice.
Amy

Susyn:

It seems you had a precognitive dream about this man and then met him in physical reality, which would get anyone's attention! It is also possible that he astral projected to you during this vision, which would make it more of a spiritual encounter than a regular dream.

It's possible that you have known this man before, most likely in a past life. His ability to come to you in spirit form before you actually met suggests this. That would explain the instant recognition and magnetic attraction you both feel for each other. While there is nothing here to indicate that you will be together in this lifetime, given the mysterious nature of your connection, it would seem that Spirit is preparing you for an important lesson.

When we encounter people from our past, there are usually unresolved karmic issues that come up to be addressed. We do not always know the reason people enter or exit our lives when they do, but we can be sure that there is usually a higher purpose at work.

You may want to consider having a past life reading to learn more about this man, for it will give you some clues as to why you respond to each other in such an intense way. This type of reading can also provide you with some insights regarding the spiritual bond you share.

I have had a few experiences similar to what you describe. On one occasion, I was so taken by the energy and emotions that welled up with a person I met that it took me a few months to move beyond it. At first, I was sure that these intense feelings meant we would end up together, even though we both had other partners. As time passed, however, I came to realize that this man evoked an aspect of myself that had been buried for years or perhaps lifetimes. As it turned out, this encounter changed me, for it empowered me to live with more joy and self-love.

Sometimes this type of connection is designed to reawaken a part of ourselves that has gone dormant, as I feel happened in your case. When we experience this type of powerful energy, we begin to look at ourselves through another's eyes. We feel renewed and awakened when before, we were simply going through the motions.

Embrace this experience by loving yourself more and renewing your commitment to live life to the fullest. Having the attention of this man can open your heart and bring you a higher awareness of your own beauty and special place in the world. Although you do not have to act on the feelings you have for him, you can use their life-giving force to re-energize your heart and spirit.

*****

Oceania:

Just as we saw in the other Double Vision column for the week, a third party is serving as a wake-up call to let you know something is amiss in your primary relationship. Unlike Violet, however, you are able to acknowledge and enjoy your feelings of attraction for the other man.

You saw him before you met him because time is not exactly linear. Spacetime is curved, so we can see and know things before they happen. The image you saw was a preview of a coming attraction!

It's not that you bump into this man more often than normal; it's just that he's very much on your mind, so he's going to stand out in a crowd. You cross paths with many other people you know but because they're insignificant to your personal soap opera, their presence doesn't register or get through to your conscious awareness.

This man is important because he serves as a reminder that it's possible to feel 'huge magnetic attraction' for someone! The sizzle has likely fizzled from your present relationship. When we first meet someone, sexual passion and longing are intense, but as we get to know them, date, get more involved, share a home and so on, other responsibilities compete for our attention. Feelings of attraction and being attractive get reduced to one slice of our relationship pie; very often, that slice ends up in a Tupperware container in the back of the refrigerator.

t is perfectly normal to feel attraction for more than one person and such feelings usually provide a sense of delight; however, acting on them through flirting can be hurtful or disrespectful to your partner. Depending on the degree of emotional trust in your relationship, outside attractions can be used to enhance the fun of the sexual fantasies you share with your lover. We can't help who we're attracted to, so feelings aren't a threat unless they're acted upon.

A word of warning: If you find yourself attracted to a family member or friend of your lover, it's best to keep that to yourself, as such a disclosure can feel too close for comfort. It's better to share fantasies about celebrities or people you know at a distance, and only then if your partner has agreed to this level of intimate sharing.

I recommend you explore why you're making so much of this attraction rather than merely enjoying it or allowing it to inspire you to bring your sexy self to your lover. Given that a child is involved, it would be best to redirect your attention to your primary relationship in order to provide your son with a happy, secure and stable home.

Astrea:

Many times in life we hear, "You will always have what you NEED, but not necessarily what you WANT." Your spirit must have needed to experience the feeling of leaving your human body, and the suggestion in the next chapter of Sylvia Brown's book was all it took to get you there.

Even though you hadn't read it yet, your SOUL recognized the title of that chapter as something it had been seeking, and your soul, knowing that you had that reference to read after your experience, got with it and out you went!

While I don't usually recommend her books, Sylvia Brown has a wide reaching and powerful effect on lots of people. A Gemini like you would be able to relate easily to her writing and put it to good use. Synchronicity - you gotta love it!

I like your description of "getting caught." That's exactly what it feels like, isn't it? One minute you're free and hovering above the room, and the next minute, ZAP! back down into your corporeal form you go!

As a little kid, I loved that "feeling of return." With practice, most of the time we can control that event, but sometimes, when our physical ears hear a distracting noise or something else occurs to knock us back into reality, back we go. With practice you will be able to control your return better.

I find it interesting that you were visiting your mother-in-law and not someone in your own genetic family. Evidently, you and your husband got married for reasons that are even deeper than love. His family's interest in "psychic stuff" will nurture your children in such matters and help them to grow into their own abilities.

You'll never have to be concerned that when your daughter visits them, she'll be discouraged from exploring her own psychic life and power. My parents encouraged me to develop my psychic senses in a time when it wasn't nice to even discuss such things in public. Heck, it's STILL not considered a great topic at the dinner table in some families!

Your kids will get to talk about it ALL and ask questions and read and study. This is going to give them such an edge in life! Talk with your husband about how you want to present this to your kiddos, so that you are united in your approach and ready to tell them their experiences are all natural and okay.

A word or two of warning: Geminis often have difficulty staying grounded in REAL LIFE. Don't get so strung out on your ASTRAL life that you neglect what you're doing here on Earth.

You are at the beginning of a long journey to learn where your power really lies. Try to be patient with this process and take your time.