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    • So, What Is Mindfulness?

      An excerpt from From Suffering to Peace by Mark Coleman

      Ask ten meditation teachers “What is mindfulness?” and you may get ten different responses. The conversation about this complex and subtle theme is not new. Debates over this topic have occurred for centuries, across cultures, and within contemplative traditions. How would you answer that question?

      When I ask students in my classes and retreats “What is mindfulness?” I hear a wide variety of responses. Some are more accurate than others, but often they reflect enduring misunderstandings about what it really is. People will say that it means “paying attention” or “being calm and focused.” Or they remark that it’s “thinking clearly about things,” or “being free from thoughts.” Others say it’s about “letting go.” All these answers contain kernels of truth, but none capture the essence and breadth of this quality. Hearing the many ways it is either misconstrued or its depth misunderstood inspired me to write about it.

      Simply stated, mindfulness is clear awareness. It is the clear knowing of experience, a nonreactive, noninterfering quality of attention. But it is also much more than that. Having studied and cultivated mindfulness as a practice and a way of life for most of my adult life, I have seen firsthand what a multifaceted jewel it really is. It can impact every arena and every moment of our lives. Exploring the many dimensions of mindfulness, both in theory and in practice, is what this book is all about.

      The word mindfulness is an odd word in itself, as it sounds like one’s mind must be full of something. It was originally used by scholars in the eighteenth century to translate the Indian Pali word sati, which literally means “recollection” or “remembering,” to mentally take note of an experience. In this context, one could say mindfulness is the conscious knowing of experience, to fully cognize something, which allows for recollection. For example, if you are not present to reading this book right now, how will you fully take note of and remember what you have read? Sati also refers to bearing something in mind. For instance, we bear in mind our breath when meditating, or we bear in mind our footsteps when walking along a rocky path.

      The idea of being present is not something that is foreign to our experience. Even the name of our species, Homo sapiens, refers to being wise or being aware, to knowing that we know. In that way, mindfulness returns us to our birthright, or at least to our potential, to this innate quality of wise knowing. And it is through developing clear awareness of our moment-to-moment experience that we begin to cultivate wisdom and discernment. That is particularly true when we do so with a curious, reflective attention. A more complete definition that I like to use is that mindfulness is an awareness of our inner and outer experience with an attitude of curiosity and care, in order to develop wisdom and understanding. Caring attention, as I will discuss throughout, is necessary for being able to stay present for even the most difficult experience.

      In this era when mindfulness has become popularized and perhaps its depth or scope diminished, it is important to reflect on why it can be so impactful in our lives. It isn’t just “paying attention.” It’s the ability to know what is happening without our normal reactions, commentary, and judgment. It is the capacity to meet experience without trying to fix, change, or control it. To capture this characteristic, some refer to mindfulness as “bare attention.” That is, it is the awareness of experience without the smoke screen of concepts, labels, and thoughts that can occlude our immediate perception.

      To demonstrate this, try this simple mindfulness exercise: Hold up one of your hands, and for a few moments, simply look at your hand and become aware of all its aspects. Get to know your hand as if for the first time. For example, feel your hand’s weight, its heaviness or lightness. Observe its size and shape, the colors, lines, contours, and veins. Feel the skin’s texture and temperature. Does it have a smell? Can you feel it from the inside, noticing the muscles and bones, the pulse of blood and tingling of energy?

      As you do this, notice if critical thoughts or reactions arise. For example, do you start to judge if your fingernails aren’t clean, or how old and wrinkled the skin may look? If so, simply recognize these thoughts and return to just being present and observing your hand in a neutral way. Continue doing this for a few minutes, and be aware of whether you can remain in this simple observational mode or if judgments, associations, and reactions distract you from simply attending.

      Mindfulness allows us to know the immediacy of experience directly as it is, along with an awareness of how we react to that experience. It allows an intimacy of attention that provides a deeper perception, one that goes beyond our initial concepts and opinions about an event. Knowing the difference between having a clear awareness of something versus thinking and reacting to it is an important element of the practice.

      One reason mindfulness is hard to define is because it is not just a state of mind. It is also a way of cultivating awareness and a wide variety of attention training techniques. It is easily mistaken for the qualities that arise when we meditate, like calmness and focus. These qualities are simply some of the fruits of the practice. So understanding mindfulness is like getting to know the many facets of water, which has a variety of forms, properties, and expressions. To define water as simply fluid or wetness, to reduce it to ocean, ice, clouds, or rain, simplifies what it is and misses the scope of its potential. Similarly, to reduce mindfulness to simply attention or one of its related qualities misses its multifaceted nature.

      Mindfulness is a clear awareness of moment-to-moment experience. To cultivate this, we can engage in any number of meditative practices. The technique of observing your hand is just one small example. The meditation at the end of this introduction is another, and I present many more in later chapters: walking meditation, open awareness practice, body scan, and so on. As you read this book, I strongly suggest you explore these meditations. An ongoing mindfulness practice helps train your mind to become deeply attuned to what is happening right now. There are many diverse ways to formally practice mindfulness, and yet what unifies them is they all develop awareness.

      This can be done in any moment, anywhere. For example, right now, look out a window. Pay attention to whatever you see. Take in the whole panorama, and then focus on one particular thing: the leaves on a tree, a particular cloud, the bricks of a building, a telephone pole, the moon, and so on. Be aware of both what you are seeing and that you are seeing. And notice how you respond to what you observe. All this happens in a simple moment of mindfulness. And it’s trickier than it sounds, as you may notice. Moments of clear attention can quickly get lost within and beneath the many other thoughts, judgments, and distractions that arise.

      Mindfulness, as research shows, improves our focus, but it provides impacts that go beyond a concentrated attention. These practices help develop beautiful related qualities like clarity, wisdom, patience, resilience, empathy, compassion, and equanimity. Practiced to its depth, mindfulness can help us live with ease amidst the turmoil of life and discover a genuine inner freedom. This is the true peace we are so often seeking.


      Mark Coleman is the author of From Suffering to Peace, Make Peace with Your Mind, and Awake in the Wild. He is the founder of the Mindfulness Institute and has an MA in clinical psychology. Mark has guided students on five continents as a corporate consultant, counselor, meditation teacher, and wilderness guide. He lives in Northern California. Visit him online at MarkColeman.org.

      Excerpted from the book From Suffering to Peace. Copyright ©2019 by Mark Coleman. Printed with permission from New World Library.

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    • DOUBLE VISION: IS A SPIRIT BLOCKING HER FROM LOVE?

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      Is former father-in-law in spirit blocking her from new love?

      I was married to my first husband for about ten years. Back when we first met and were just dating, his father suddenly died from a heart attack. After that I always felt him near, like he was watching over the family. About six years ago we got divorced, and it has been a very nasty relationship full of conflict ever since. My ex-husband has basically abandoned us and the children, refuses to pay child support, yet now and then pops up full of demands about when he wants the kids. For example, he may not see them for months, but then insist on having them Christmas morning. He has gone on with his life; he is engaged and his fiance is pregnant. Here’s my question: I feel like my father-in-law is blocking me from new love. I haven’t had one serious relationship since the divorce. I feel as if he is blocking me from happiness from spirit out of loyalty to his son. Is this possible? Whenever I ask myself why I can’t find new love, this idea pops into my head. What do you think? If it’s true, what can I do?
      – Diane

      Dreamchaser:

      Diane, I am going to speak very freely and bluntly here. I hope I do not hurt your feelings; that is certainly not my intention.

      Your ex-father-in-law is not interfering in your love life in any way. He is not blocking anything or causing anything. He never has, and he never would. He is in spirit having a fabulous time, and he is not at all trying to manipulate any human situations. Yes, he does watch over his family, but that is it. He watches; he does not participate.

      I think you are looking for a scapegoat. I think you are looking for a reason to stay single and alone. The reason you have not had a serious relationship since your divorce is that you are not allowing it. If your ex-husband is such a bad man, why are you still hung up on him? Why do you compare every man you meet to your ex-husband, find him lacking, and throw him back? Why do you refuse to allow any new love, good or bad, to come into your life?

      When we are blocking something from our lives — love, abundance of any kind, a new job — we look hard for something to blame it on. For a long time I used my kids as an excuse for staying single: “I am just too busy with my children.” When they grew up, I had to take a good look at why I was not allowing love in my life. It was scary and painful and horrible at times. I need you to stop and ask yourself the same question: “What are you afraid of?”

      You do not want your ex back, but you are still hung up on dreams of what could have been, when, in reality, what you had was not that great. The dreams you had and the future plans you two had were pretty good. That was not, however, your reality — they were just dreams. They were not real at any point. You can have those dreams come true with someone else but, yes, you have to open yourself up to potential hurt one good reason that you stay closed up. You never want to hurt that badly again — understandable, but you never will hurt that badly again, Diane. If you tune into your inner spirit, you will know that is true.

      Your ex is not coming back. If you want romantic love in your life, you have to get it from someone new. To do that, you have to overcome your fears by asking yourself some tough and probing questions. You can do this if you want to, Diane. You are the only person blocking new love from coming in. Men fall at your feet practically every day, but instead of looking for the good, you always find something wrong with them.

      I wish you openness.

      *****

      Astrea:

      Sometimes when we envision people who have crossed over, we project our own thoughts and desires onto them. Because you haven’t had time with children, work, and all the pressure to get over your divorce, your subconscious is playing a trick on you, making you believe that you can’t find anyone else because your husband’s deceased father wants the two of you back together.

      This is not what he wants at all! Those who have crossed over immediately lose any misplaced sense of loyalty. People beyond the veil see things much more clearly than we do, because personalities that produce the feelings we have on earth.

      You haven’t been able to move on with your own life and find someone else because you haven’t let go of your ex. There is still so much conflict between you that it’s almost impossible to ignore that and not see him in every person you meet. While you’ve been divorced for a number of years now, you still need to take some time to really think about what you want from someone new so that you can manifest him. At this point, you’re still comparing every man you meet to your ex, and that’s not fair to you or to them.

      Don’t give up! I know you will find someone who will make you happy. Your father-in-law is not the only person willing to help you move on and find new love. There are several spirits from your own family around, just waiting until you are ready to meet the right man. As I write this, I see at least four angelic spirits on the move in your direction to help you find someone wonderful to love.

      Your marriage was a learning experience. You’ve learned what kind of person you don’t want to have in your and your children’s lives. As miserable as it was, and even though nostalgia overtakes you from time to time, you don’t want that again. Your ex and his fiance will last about another year, anyway. Then he will have abandoned two families. You gave him your heart and soul; he doesn’t deserve to be in your life.

      Your father-in-law is positively not blocking you from finding a new relationship. I spoke with him at length, and he assures me that you put up with a horrible situation with his son for a long time. Quite the opposite of what you’re feeling, he wants you to find new love and happiness. He is so ashamed of his son and the way he has treated you and the children. That’s the reason he pops into your head, of course. He’s been trying to help you look for someone you can build a happy life with. You’ll find him!

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