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Q and A with author Laura McKowen

We Are the Luckiest: The Surprising Magic of a Sober Life

Tell us how the title of your book We Are the Luckiest came to be.

Like most people, I thought sobriety was a death sentence. I thought it would be the end of all fun, excitement, joy, sex, travel, relationships, socializing — all the things that made life worth living. I thought the ones who could drink “normally” were so lucky.

Then one night in 2014, thirty or so days sober, I was lying next to my sleeping daughter, crying. About what, I don’t know — everything was at the surface then. But I was there, with her, in our clean bed with soft sheets and the cool air on my face. Sober. Awake. Not running. Not hiding. I was in pain, but I knew it was the pain of being alive and that this meant something. I was living, not dying. I was expanding, not destroying. I knew it was pain with purpose and that — if I stayed with it — it would take me to the place I’d been trying to go all along, which was closer to life, not further away. I knew it was a gift — that it was the gift.

I thought, this is the hardest, but it is better. The magic is in here, not out there. They’re not the lucky ones, I am. We are. We are the luckiest.

I posted something to that effect on Instagram with the hashtag #wearetheluckiest and it caught on. It’s now frequently used as a way to come out sober online and express gratitude for this life. It was the obvious choice for the book title.

While drinking was your thing, you encourage your readers to recognize their things that are standing between them and their biggest lives. Tell us more.

We all have something. It can be big like death, divorce, addiction, illness, or it can be something more socially acceptable like perfectionism or working too much or people-pleasing. The point is, we all have some thing — often many things — that push us to our limits and call us to change.

Addiction was my thing. It brought me to my knees. I thought it was the problem, the flaw—the thing that had gone wrong in my life. But it was actually the doorway to a much bigger, more beautiful and rich existence. This is always the case with our things — they are invitations — even though we don’t usually see them that way.

You encourage people to drop the labels addict and alcoholic if they want. Why?

Because they are mostly punitive. Very few people hear those labels and think something positive or even neutral. They carry a big stigma, a big story, and who wants that? You don’t need to call yourself something in order to address it.

You give your readers permission to forget forever. Please explain.

Forever was a concept that just seemed so overwhelming in sobriety. Never having another glass of wine, never sharing a cocktail, etc. It overwhelmed me with grief and frustration and it also felt impossible.

The thing is, the only thing that’s happening is right now. We can always do right now. So I just kept it as that until forever didn’t seem so daunting.

What advice do you have to offer those who are choosing the sober life that are triggered by other people’s drinking?

Don’t be around it. You have permission to check out of those things for a while (or forever if you want). I didn’t spend time with people who were drinking for a long time because I tried to do that and it just made me suffer. If I had to for something like a work event, I just kept it really brief. I always had an exit plan and I always let people know beforehand that I wasn’t drinking so there was less anxiety when the time came.

It can be lonely and hard at first, but you will be forced to find new people and seek out new things, which is necessary. Eventually the drinking won’t matter anymore, but so long as it does, you have permission to opt out.

Tell us about the “Bigger Yes” that you write about in the book.

Our unused potential is not benign. When we don’t use what’s inside of us, something dark grows in its place and we get bitter, resentful, depressed. I knew that addiction was killing me in the sense that it was actually killing me, but it was also so painful because I was wasting my potential. We often think of stopping a behavior in terms of what we are giving up, but there’s also something bigger we are moving toward, on the other side — that’s what I mean by the bigger yes.

Laura McKowen is the author of We Are the Luckiest. She is a former public relations executive who has become recognized as a fresh voice in the recovery movement. Beloved for her soulful and irreverent writing, she leads sold-out yoga-based retreats and other courses that teach people how to say yes to a bigger life. Visit her online at www.lauramckowen.com.

Excerpted from the book We Are the Luckiest. Copyright ©2020 by Laura McKowen. Printed with permission from New World Library.

I recently met a man I felt an instant and intense connection to. I had a sense of knowing that this person was going to be part of my life. We spoke several times and learned we have lots in common, but since we met once in person, he hasn't contacted me again. I feel upset about this, like I've lost a special friend - maybe even a soul mate. Until I met him, I thought I would never want to have another love relationship, but meeting and talking to him have made me rethink that position and what I want from life and love. Could that be his purpose in entering my life - to awaken me to love in general, so I can meet someone else? Or is it possible that the two of us will indeed connect in the future? If we're not meant to be, why would I have that sense of knowing?
- Kyle

Dreamchaser:

We humans often get confused about the whole soul mate thing, so here is a quick run-down:

We do not get just one soul mate; we get approximately five per lifetime. The Universe/God/Spirit does not want us to be without love if we desire it. If for some reason a relationship with a soul mate doesn't work out, we won't be doomed to live without love forever. Instead, the Universe will bring us another soul mate. We are not limited to just one shot at true love in each lifetime.

The second misconception people have is the belief that once we meet a soul mate, nothing will ever break us up, and we'll live together happily ever after. This is so wrong.

The Universe may bring us together, but after that, free will and personal choice take over. We CHOOSE what happens in every relationship, and long-term connections require lots of hard work and open communication.

Just because you meet someone like this guy doesn't mean he is going to choose to allow you into his life, or that he will even choose to allow LOVE into his life. Obviously, this man has some big fears that have caused him to back away. That's his choice, and since we have free will, the Universe has to allow that choice.

When we meet a soul mate, our minds do this meld thing between the past and the present. Your soul remembers this person, so a part of you is very excited and happy to see an old friend.

Your logical mind knows that you have never met this person before, however, so your head warns you to go slow, get to know him better before giving your heart away, etc. As a result, you experience a constant battle between your head and your heart/intuition.

This guy came to show you that you could choose to fall in love again. You are the one who has been holding love off - it hasn't been staying away from you by itself. Love is an energy that spreads over EVERYONE.

As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. You have now changed how you look at romantic love, so romantic love has changed for you. This man helped you do that by coming into your life.

At this point, it doesn't really matter if he comes back or not. Your heart has opened back up, so you are on your way to new love. I know you think you want him and only him, but if you close yourself off to other possibilities, you will really limit the Universe's ability to help you find fulfillment. Stay open to all possibilities now that your heart is open to love again.

I wish you much love and happiness.

*****

Astrea:

There's an old saying about people coming into our lives for a reason or a season, but I don't buy it. We invite people to come into our lives because we think they might prove to be good lovers or friends. Just because we find them exciting or interesting doesn't mean there is some mysterious connection or divine intervention at work.

We want to be around certain people because we like their company: when our vibrations interact, they strike a pleasing chord. It's also human nature for us to want everyone to like us and feel affection for us.

Sometimes we get lucky in relationships, and end up truly liking each other. Other times we misjudge someone and project onto them the qualities we want them to have. Then we are eventually disappointed, and feel foolish for investing so much of ourselves in that relationship.

Sometimes our relationships are indeed based on karmic connections from past lives, while at other times, we attract new souls into our experience in order to learn some life lesson.

Right now, it's popular to believe that people come into our lives for some deeper reason, something beyond our simple desire to experience however that person usually makes us feel. If that person doesn't return our interest, we end up suffering and struggling to figure out what went wrong.

With cyber connections, often there is lots of evidence that the other person will be a wonderful partner, right up until the day we meet. If that person then treats us very differently in person than they have online, we naturally become sad and confused by their actions.

We have to accept that sometimes, people looking for love online will either outright lie or simply tell us what they think we want to hear in order to get what they think they want. Sometimes the other person has high hopes and is just as innocent as we are, but upon meeting us, they are turned off by our appearance, mannerisms or a lack of chemistry.

Loving, caring individuals will try to get past that by hanging in there and looking for the positive. Immature, self-centered and insensitive people who are just out for a good time may drop all contact and never see us again if they don't think we're perfect for them at first sight.

This is the kind of person you encountered here. He misrepresented himself online - he certainly didn't seem like someone who would pull a hit and run meeting like he did. The world has many mean, insincere people in it - don't let this one discourage you from looking for someone with whom you can create true love!