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An excerpt from Love Skills by Linda Carroll

Falling in love is never a straight line to “happily ever after.” Relationships go through seasons of change, renewal, darkness, and light.

So promises long-time therapist and couple’s coach Linda Carroll in Love Skills: The Key to Unlocking Lasting, Wholehearted Love, which offers specific, effective solutions to the most common struggles that couples face.

We hope you’ll enjoy this except from the book.

One of the most common complaints couples have is not having enough time to work on — and enjoy — their relationship. We don’t need to take long vacations or have extravagant nights out to stay connected. Regular walks, simple date nights, and setting aside short moments during each day when we come together and move apart are even more important than the more dramatic things like climbing Machu Picchu or taking a Mediterranean cruise.

Can you commit to eight minutes a day that will guarantee a huge return on your investment? If so, consider spending two minutes connecting with your partner at each of the four transition times described below.
Moment One: Waking up and reconnecting. 

Thanks to Tim’s lattes, I always start my day feeling grateful to him. If you can find a minute (or two) to meet, say hello, ask about each other’s dreams, or silently spoon before rising, you can start the day with a sense of mutual openheartedness.

I know one couple who take a walk on a beach near their house every morning, no matter how busy their day is or how rainy and uninviting the weather. Over their forty years of marriage, they have walked holding hands, sometimes talking nonstop and other times quietly looking in different directions. During some tough relationship seasons, they were so upset they didn’t speak to one another during their walks — but they walked anyway. They have often said this morning ritual has kept them together through the rocky periods in their relationship. Having time for a walk is great, but two minutes of intentional focus can also make a big impact on how you feel toward one another the rest of the day.

Beginning the day with connection also provides our bodies and hearts with a healthy dose of oxytocin, one of the “love potion” chemicals that floods us in The Merge stage of our relationship — and is always available to us.
Moment Two: Leaving and separating for the day. 

The idea of the goodbye kiss makes me laugh (and slightly cringe). I think of those old TV programs and movies from the 1960s in which the man rushes out to work and his wife (already dressed in pearls and an apron) kisses him goodbye as she starts to vacuum. I find those scenes annoying, but science has demonstrated the power of that kiss. Even a quick kiss releases a burst of adrenaline and oxytocin. Taking a pause to say goodbye, looking at each other even for a moment, and wishing each other a good day sends you both off with a feeling of being cared for and connected and eager to reunite.

Moment Three: Coming home and reconnecting. 

Whatever distractions you may be dealing with, when you walk in the door set aside two minutes — at least — to say hello. Before you check email, return texts, or head for your workout room, stop and look at one another, ask how each other’s day went, and give each other a welcoming hug. Two minutes — you can do that! (Maybe even three!)

Some couples share a ritual of a drink together each night: a kombucha drink, a sparkling Pellegrino, or a glass of wine. For others, mealtimes are a sacred ritual in which each person shares the highs, lows, and small moments of their day. Whatever you choose to do, make your daily reunion a time of welcome, genuine interest, and appreciation.
Moment Four: Going to sleep and separating. 

Going to bed is not the time to work out hassles or talk about problems. It is a time to keep technology to a minimum, release some of those great touch chemicals by kissing, holding, or making love, and appreciate that you each made it through the day. If you go to sleep at the same time, take just a moment to connect. If you go to bed at different times, tuck each other in with care and kindness.
Another thing you can do anytime is hug. Research shows couples who hug each other on the same day they have a fight tend to be less upset about the fight. Think of it as an insurance policy. If you hug and don’t fight, it will feel great. If you hug and do fight, you will get over it much more quickly!

Linda Carroll is the author of Love Skills and Love Cycles. While she has worked as a therapist and couple’s coach for over three decades and has acquired numerous certificates and degrees along the way, she says that her own thirty-five-year marriage is the primary source of her knowledge when it comes to the cycles of love. Visit her online at LindaCarroll.com.

Excerpted from the book Love Skills. Copyright ©2020 by Linda Carroll. Printed with permission from New World Library.

I've been in a very troubling relationship for the past five years. When I met my lover, he was married but separated from his wife, and in the process of getting a divorce. Since they divorced, his ex has used their three boys to try to win him back. For example, he is only allowed to see his kids if he does things with her. A few years into our relationship, we had a son together, and our son is now one year old. He left me when I was three weeks pregnant, and has come and gone from our relationship a number of times. Recently I learned that I am pregnant again, which is incredible, since I had to have all sorts of fertility treatments to get pregnant the first time. Before I learned I was pregnant this time, I went to visit his mother's grave. (His mother was murdered by his father when my lover was just two years old). I sat at her grave and cried and prayed for her to help my relationship with her son, both for my sake and for the sake of her grandson. I asked for a sign of what I should do - if I should let him go or keep trying to work things out. Just over a month later, I learned that I was pregnant again, and had conceived around the time I visited her grave. A psychic told me that this child needs to be born, that it is someone who did not fulfill their life's purpose. Do you believe this is possible? If so, could the spirit of this child be his mother, whose life ended in such a tragic way? I look forward to hearing from you. Mahalo and Aloha!

Teia

Dreamchaser:

While the psychic was correct, this child is not your lover's mother reincarnated. I will go into that more in a minute so that you fully understand.

Our souls pick lessons that we need to learn. Then our souls pick the lifetimes, geographic regions and most importantly, the people that we need to live with. I know this is hard to fathom for those who have had really horrible lives full of abuse, neglect and hardly any love, but not every lifetime is pretty, and not every lifetime is full of love and prosperity.

To every day, there is also a night. To have good and prosperous lifetimes, we must also go through more challenging lifetimes. Our souls learn much in both kinds of experiences.

Both of my kids were birth control pill babies who CHOSE to come here. Souls choose their paths and then things just happen. The child that you are asking about is proof of this. This child needed your DNA and your lover's DNA. This child chose you as parents, and to be born into this particular situation to learn certain soul lessons.

You and your lover are helping this soul fulfill the path that it chose before coming back here to Earth. So yes, the psychic was right. In order for our souls to fulfill their purpose, they must live all the lifetimes they need to live and learn all the lessons they need to learn. Then and only then can we ascend and stay on the Otherside as spiritually realized beings.

You need to know that his mother cannot really help you with your relationship with your lover. No one on the Otherside can by-pass free will or personal choice. She cannot make her son do anything - no one can, not even God.

Your lover has to choose what he wants here with you, whether that means he lives with you and your kids or the other woman and her kids. Obviously, he is going back and forth on this because he can't decide what he wants to do. This has to be HIS choice, so no one who can do or say something that will change how this is right now.

I have a message for you from his mother: You need to do what is best for you and yours. I know you love my son, but your needs and the needs of your children should come first. You can't stay tore up all the time and not eat properly or sleep properly and live a healthy and successful life. It is even worse when you are pregnant. Take care of you first, then your kids, and THEN worry about him. PLEASE.

I wish you all good health on all levels.

*****

Astrea:

Oh, Beloved, the baby you're carrying may very well need to be born to fulfill its own life, but it is not your lover's deceased mother. This baby is a product of a relationship which has been torn since the beginning, and needs to heal.

While expected children are capable of great miracles, you need to begin to create NEW miracles in your own life to prepare for the coming of this new baby. This child will indeed CLARIFY your relationship, but it will not cause your lover's heart to heal to the point that he can be the strong person you need him to be for you.

While I am sure his mother heard your prayers, departed family members are rarely found in a cemetery. It is, however, a good place to say prayers and have them heard. Lots of spirits were probably present when you prayed. The reason you easily became pregnant was because in those moments, you were cleansed of the emotional and physical problems that caused it to be so difficult for you to become pregnant before. Tears cleanse EVERYTHING in our lives. Water is emotion, and emotions flowing are always healing - even when they aren't happy emotions.

Unfortunately, your man has not had a similar cleansing experience in his life yet. That poor man has been damaged by his awful family circumstances, but also by his own poor choices. Your lover's life is fraught with drama. From the time his mother was murdered by his father in that drunken state (I see the whole thing), he has sought drama every day, and made it his God.

The poor man has never known a moment of peace or bliss. Violence stalks him daily. He doesn't know how to be any other way but the way he is. He loves you deeply, but he needs help in the form of lots of therapy. He blames himself for his mother's death, and that is something he's going to have to get over alone.

Someone did hear your prayer, and you've been given this child to love and care for. The child will bring great luck and happiness to your life whether your lover is around or not. I see a new man in your life who is going to change the way you think about relationships forever. That man will come to you right after the baby is born.

You're in Hawaii. Make an offering of orchids to Pele and ask Her to bring peace to you and your lover. She knows about violence and how to heal it. She'll help you, help him, and help the new life you're about to be given.

I'm praying for your peace of mind and your total happiness!