KAJAMA.COM NEWSLETTER

by Andrea Mathews

(Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal.)

There's a lot of talk these days about the authentic self. The common advice, "Just be yourself," is today's take on Shakespeare's, "To thine own self be true." But what most of us don't know is that there is a difference between identity and the authentic self. In fact, most of us have so identified with our identity that we don't know that it is often operating on a level of consciousness that excludes our authenticity.

An identity is a mask and costume we unconsciously wear, to which we have become so accustomed over the years that we do not know that it is not who we actually are. We may, in fact, think that we are being true to ourselves, because this is just what we do. As a practicing psychotherapist, I have commonly heard people describe themselves as, "Well, I'm just one of those people who gives, gives, gives. You know that's just me." What they mean is that this is what they do. This is what they have always done. This is what they have done for so long and so hard, that this is all that they understand of a "me." What they don't know is that there is another "me" down under all of that, a "me" that is seeking to be heard, seeking to be known, and seeking to be lived. They sent that other "me" away into the unconscious years ago, when they were so young that they don't even remember it. They did this sending away because it seemed to be required of them by parents or caregivers who had already decided, whether consciously or unconsciously, who this child was supposed to be.

Depending on which study you read, anywhere between 50% and 90% of our communication is non-verbal. This is so much more true for the child who is pre-verbal. All of their communication with their caregivers is non-verbal. This means that they are picking up information communicated by the body, by the spirit, by the non-verbal cues given off by their primary caregiver. And since they are also, at this early time of their development, looking for mirrors into which to look and define themselves, they often get the external cues mixed up with a mirror.

They might look, for example, into the eyes of a parent who needs to have a child who is very good, makes the parent look very good, never embarrasses the parent, always pleases the parent and the parent's world, and pick up that message without the parent ever speaking it. They might assume that what they see in their parent's eyes, and pick up from the parent's non-verbal cues is actually a mirror, and they might think, "Oh, okay, that's who I am." This child might be picking up a good-guy identity. (This identity is explored in-depth in my book, Letting Go of Good: Dispel the Myth of Good ness to Find Your Authentic Self.)

Children also need very much to belong to the systems in which they were born. If the parent really needs for the child to be good in the way described above, then the child may try to belong to the parent by becoming what that parent needs. In fact, the child would find it very difficult—if not impossible—to say "no" to the parent's need, given the child's own need to belong. So the child starts, even at this very young age, becoming what the parent needs—they will develop a good guy identity.

Depending on the continuing reinforcement of this identity, this child may grow up believing that it is her role in the family to be the good kid. So, she is always trying to serve and please others, always trying to be very loving and kind, always trying to do the right thing. But, of course, since she also has an authentic self, hiding now deep in the unconscious but still full of energy, she may also need to act out of the authentic self from time to time. Or she may develop feelings that are intended to be messages from the authentic self.

For example, if she is always serving others, she may develop some resentments over time. Resentments that say, "I'm always doing loving things towards them, why can't they ever do anything nice for me!?" Or, "I'm so tired, so tired, I just don't want to do that for them right now." These feelings, however, will be shooed away in the name of the identity. In fact the identity will begin to feel very guilty about having such feelings—for these feelings are not loving and kind. But actually, those feelings are trying to save this individual's life. She is being informed of where she might put appropriate boundaries if she will but listen to the messages of the feelings.

But she must not, dare not, listen. She must continue to do good. In fact, over time, guilt becomes the predominate organizer of her life. Guilt says, "You must do this, you have to do this, you should do this, for it is the right thing to do." Guilt raises no questions about authentic desire, authentic compassion, or authentic passion. Those are all hidden in the unconscious. Rather, guilt says, "Get up and do it, now, because it is the right thing to do, and because I'm going to make you feel really terrible if you don't do it."

And so the good guy identity becomes enslaved to guilt. So enslaved, in fact, that she is unable to do anything but what guilt bids her to do. She is totally out of touch with her own desires. She knows nothing about paying attention to her own exhaustion, her own internal voices, her own authenticity. She must always be loving and kind. Even when others are abusive to her, she is unable to draw boundaries, say "no," or leave them if necessary. This is just the "me" that the good guy identity believes to be the truest self. That other voice, the authentic one, is relegated to the back rooms and closets of the living experience.

This person is doomed to continue this pattern until she starts listening to the voice of the authentic self. In order to do that, she might have to walk through some guilt. But the authentic self has many methods of soothing us when we are willing to do the work of becoming authentic.

It isn't easy to imagine that being "good" could be a problem. But we must come to understand that the values called "goodness," instilled from one family to the next, from one culture to the next, can be very different. What is good to one family or culture could be bad to another. Therefore, though we may try and try, goodness is not really a standard that can be adhered to, for its definition fluctuates. But authenticity can be known as truth, and lived as genuineness.

Those who identify with goodness are often stuck in patterns of behavior that are not true to who they actually are. They are split off from any awareness of who they are. If you ask them what they want, they do not know. If you try to help them get in touch with authentic belief or original thought, they do not know these either. What they know is that they will feel very guilty if they don't do what they are supposed to do. And what they are supposed to do is determined by external pressures.

This is obviously a miserable way to live, and all done simply because a person is trying to be good. In fact, they are trying to earn worthiness—a value that cannot be earned, only discovered. It is discovered deep within us when we access and begin to live out of the genuine self. And Letting Go of Good: Dispel the Myth of Goodness to Find Your Genuine Self is going to show you exactly how to go about accessing and beginning to live from your truest self.

Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal. Copyright Llewellyn Worldwide, 2017. All rights reserved.

My name is Tammy, and I'm writing because I keep having horrific nightmares. They are full of Satanic, evil, demonic-looking beings who keep morphing into different forms. I haven't had a pleasant dream in over 10 years - I just have nightmare after nightmare. I'm wondering what this means, and if perhaps these nasty beings are actually attached to me in some way. I am a dancer in a strip bar, but I'm not a bad person! Someone told me that this could have something to do with past life experiences. What do you think? Is this normal? Are these more than just dreams on some level?

- Tammy

Dreamchaser:

I try to keep my answers general so that a great number of our readers will be able to relate to the subject matter each week. With this question, however, I'm going to have to get more personal, Tammy. While I'm sure there will be other readers who can relate to your situation, this particular answer is just for you.

As I often explain here, not every spiritual being is a beautiful, full-of-love and light angel. Sometimes astral entities are downright ugly and scary. If you view such beings as Satanic and evil, that is YOUR interpretation of their energy - it does not mean that you are accurately interpreting the identities of these beings.

You did get part of it right, Tammy: while these beings are negative or demonic, they are not necessarily demonic in exactly the way you've been thinking.

Your childhood was one of the worst I have psychically viewed in a while. You suffered profoundly at the hands of some horrific people. You don't really talk about your childhood very much. You're happy you got out of it alive and in one piece, for the most part, so you try to tell yourself that it wasn't that bad.

Well Tammy, it was that bad. The reason I know this is because these beings in your dreams are YOUR demons. Every punch, every sexual assault, every verbally abusive word, every emotional trauma has a demon attached to it.

We create our own demons, and these ones are yours. These are the thoughts, feelings, words, etc., that you suppressed, shoved down and never spoke about. They come to you in your dreams because that is the only place they can be aired, for you have completely shut them out of your waking world. Drugs and alcohol tend to have that effect.

If you want healing, and you want the demons to go away, I recommend you purchase and sincerely work through a book entitled Living through the Meantime, by Iyanla Vanzant.

Also, long ago I learned that the word but nullifies everything that comes before it. For example, if someone says to us, I love you but you make me crazy, the only thing we hear on a subconscious level is you make me crazy.

You said, I am a dancer in a strip bar, but I'm not a bad person! You are right - you are not a bad person. What you do for a living does not concern me - but it obviously does concern you.

If you exorcise your demons, your whole life will change. To get going with this process, just start doing the work in the book I recommended for you above.

These are your demons, and you created them, so you can make them go away. Nothing from the dark side is out to get you. You are not a bad person; in fact, you have great potential for goodness, but you must believe in yourself and love yourself enough to change your life for the better.

I wish you healing on ALL levels.

*****

Astrea:

There are lots of old-fashioned ways to get rid of bad dreams. Some people say to turn your shoes in opposite directions and place them under the bed. Some say to put a piece of silver at the foot of your bed, and some say to place rosemary at the head of your bed.

St. Benedict is said to ward off bad dreams, and some Christians believe that hanging a St. Benedict medal over your bed will ward off nightmares. An arrowhead in a glass of water by your bed is an old American recipe for driving away nightmares.

Ten years is a long time to have nightmares every night! While night terrors come and go in many people's lives, this is more than that.

My first suggestion is that you seek some help from a medical doctor, for you need something to help you sleep a DREAMLESS sleep for a while. You need to break the pattern of having a nightmare every night. If you consult with a psychotherapist or any healer about any matter, be sure to mention your nightmares.

Of course you are not a bad person! Dancing in a strip bar is just a job, but spending so much time in a bar is another matter. Bars are full of negative vibrations. People are selling and buying drugs and bodies there, and trying to forget their problems.

The dream creatures you see represent the worst forms of the people who work at and frequent the bar. Can you correlate the people in your waking life to the ones you're dreaming?

You are a sponge and soak all that negativity up because you're more sensitive than other people. That negativity then comes out in your dreams.

This is not something you can turn off and on like a faucet, so perhaps it's time to work in some other kind of place, doing something different for a living. The negativity you've felt in those places has built up over the years, and your subconscious is doing everything it can to tell you it's time to get out of that business.

Of course, that is easier said than done. Dancing in strip bars can be as addictive as drugs for some people. It's very easy to be seduced by the money and even the glamour of this line of work. Some people can work in a bar forever and never take a bit of that bar energy home with them, but you can't. It has become too much for you, Tammy, and you have to get out of there.

Find something else that you really enjoy doing, and get to work on doing that for a living. Is it decorating? Singing? Acting? Accounting? Is it another type of dancing? Is it teaching?

There is something in your heart that you've always wanted to do for a career, and the nightmares are trying to push you in that direction. Decide what you want to do after you end your career as a stripper, and start making plans and taking ACTIONS to make that your reality.

I believe as soon as you're engaged in something new and wonderful, your nightmares will naturally end.