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by Cyndi Dale

(Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal.)

We've all been there. Maybe we are there, stuck in a toxic relationship. We perceive the other person as negative, pessimistic, troubled, and irritating. As much as we'd like to blame them for all the troubles, however, we know that we "let" them "trip" our button. It's like they are surrounded by a dark cloud that makes us cough not nice words right back at them.

It's one thing if we can avoid the person. Sometimes this isn't possible, especially if we're related to that special Pigpen (the character in Charles Schultz's cartoon strip, Peanuts, who is surrounded by a cloud of dust). What if our poisonous pill is a parent, sibling, child, co-worker, or even our spouse?

There are a lot of great books and systems featuring techniques for taking the sting out of our lethal interactions. After all, we really don't have to bite back. We can choose to leave the kitchen when our mother is criticizing our cooking for the umpteenth time (a common occurrence in my life as frankly, I can't cook peanut butter on celery). But, sometimes we can't seem to control our responses. When this occurs, we need to dig deeper into our psyche than perhaps we're used to. We must excavate our souls and transform ourselves.

As I explore in my book, Beyond Soul Mates, most relationships connect on the soul-to-soul level. Our soul is that part of us that travels through time-gathering experiences in order to learn about love. In the course of our interactions, we gain the ability to bond and care, to give and receive compassion. We also get hurt. This hurt becomes the basis of misconceptions about love, which lead to our participation in toxic relationships.

Think about it. How many dysfunctional beliefs do you think you hold in regard to love? Many of us suffer a deep sense of unworthiness or lack of deserving. Certain soul-based relationships trigger these inner sensations; these are the ones that feel toxic to us. These are the ones that drive us crazy. These are also the ones presenting us with a great gift, the chance to change our innermost and darkest beliefs so they reflect our true self, the essential self that knows it is lovable and deserving of love.

The basic process is simple.

Our soul holds all our misconceptions about love, such as, "I am unworthy," or, "Intimacy is too frightening," or, "I will only be love if I suffer fools." Our true self, on the other hand, knows the truth. It believes in its own and others' sincere goodness and worthiness. It knows that love is innate to us all. It also knows it doesn’t need to engage in unhealthy behaviors.

Shifting our soul beliefs to true-self beliefs is actually easiest to do when we're involved in negative relationships because our issues are so clear. In smooth relationships, we don't have to question the thoughts and feelings secreted inside of our psyche; we're already content with what is going on. But bad relationships? The beliefs that make us mistreat others or accept the same are constantly swirling up. They are literally "on the table," asking us to examine and transform them.

We shift our negative beliefs by concentrating on what our true self knows as truthful. While our soul is screaming, "I only deserve abusive relationships," or, "I have to be in charge of others," or, "I don't need to be safe," our true self is whispering, "I deserve the equal exchange of kindness," or, "I get to be with people who are nice."

By focusing on the beliefs innate to our true self, we can spirit away our soul's misconceptions. How do we do this?

If involved in a toxic relationship, I recommend that you actually list your soul's misconceptions and compare them to your true self's awareness. Now decide you are going to express your true self's beliefs and ignore your soul's misconceptions. You'll notice you begin to engage with others, yes, even your toxic partners, out of the spiritual qualities amenable to your true self. Your own behavior will change, inviting the same in others—or not. Either way, you'll like yourself better.

Sometimes we shift the negative beliefs in our soul and the relationship changes for the better. This process worked between my mother and myself.

Quite simplistically, we have never gotten along; we're like oil and water. In fact, I spent most of my childhood railing against her every statement. A few years ago I decided it was time to embody my true self's beliefs and I started to be more kind, gentle, and straightforward with her. My mother responded with increased wit and joy. Now we actually enjoy each other's company and laugh about our idiosyncrasies.

Sometimes the expression of our core self eliminates a relationship from our life landscape. For instance, I once dated a man whose every move sent me to the moon. One of his favorite activities was to break up with me when his life was stressed. I swear that it was a hobby for him. I ask for help with Thanksgiving dinner? He's on the run. I suggest that he move his suitcase out of the way so I can get through the hotel room door? He would say he was finished with me.

In a typical relationship, I would have suggested that he remain on the run. Unfortunately—or fortunately—I too frequently hooked my childhood and soul-based issues and react, feeling unworthy and scared. The abandonment I experienced in childhood set me up to be okay with being abandoned as an adult.

By concentrating on my true self's beliefs instead of my soul issues, however, I began to gain confidence in my own worthiness. I started saying, "no" a lot more. And I stopped seeing this individual altogether.

We can't always avoid toxic relationships but we can use them to our own loving advantage. We can shift from our soul to our true self and in the process, embody the best of ourselves. Who knows who will respond?

Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal. Copyright Llewellyn Worldwide, 2012. All rights reserved.

My name is Angelique, and I'm 23 years old. I'm trying to figure out why I'm only attracted to musicians. I only date guys who are in a band, and as you might imagine, these guys aren't always the best boyfriend material! I've been through so much drama as a result of this strong attraction that it's driving me crazy! I've felt like this since I was 12 years old, and now I'm ready for a higher level of experience, but I can't help the fact that I'm only attracted to musicians. I'm starting to wonder if this is a past life thing. Do you think that could be the case? I'd appreciate your advice on how to break free of this pattern. Love and light!

Angelique

Dreamchaser:

I have dated a musician or two in my time, and I'd like to point out that it is who a person is and not what they do for a living that affects how they act in relationships.

A guy who goes to work in a factory could be just as prone to cheat as a guy in a band. Granted, there are a lot more girls throwing themselves at guys in bands than there are girls throwing themselves at factory workers, but if a musician decides to be faithful, he or she will be.

I think you're attracted to musicians because you like all the drama. You like the hunt, the catch and the kill, and then (to put it succinctly) you bore quickly. You date musicians because it is thrilling to see if you can snare one. Of all the women he had to pick from, he chose you, and that is definitely a big ego rush. You are addicted to that rush as well.

The lifestyle is another thing you find thrilling. In your mind, it is boring to go home from work, throw in a microwave dinner and watch television. You love to be out in the nightlife with the crowds and the music. You like watching the sun come up. You are addicted not just to musicians, but to this lifestyle. So you can see you have quite a few issues going on here.

Over the past few weeks, I have been talking a lot about the law of attraction and a wonderful new movie called The Secret. You can use this universal law to manifest what you want. In other words, you can have a guy who is both a musician and has the qualities you want in a boyfriend. Someone who is exciting, balanced and faithful is very attainable, Angelique.

There are lots and lots of working musicians who live like normal people when they're not on stage. You could have the best of both worlds. However, I am not sure you are ready to compromise your lifestyle for a higher level of experience, as you put it, so be careful what you wish for, as you will get it!

If you really want to break this musician habit, just do it. When you go on a diet, you just say no to cookies. When you try to quit drinking, you just say no to alcohol. When you are trying to quit musicians, just say no to musicians. It can be that simple.

Figure out what you want and only say YES to that. There is no magick spell or easy way to do it - you just have to do it. Since this has been so difficult for you in the past, however, I must question whether you are truly ready to quit musicians for good, so you might want to try to manifest a musician who makes a great boyfriend instead.

I wish you a deeply fulfilling love life!

*****

Astrea:

Many young girls are attracted to musicians, actors, and other people in the limelight. A psychologist might say you are attracted to musicians because you don't want to show off yourself, but you do want to be with someone people know and recognize. In a way, when we're with someone famous or well known, some of their notoriety rubs off on us, and it's like we're on stage too.

Some girls only feel special when someone significant like a musician chooses them over all the other girls who hit on him. They may seek the company of bad boys and flakes because they can't get a date with a stock broker, and think that they don't deserve a great boyfriend or authentic love.

They repeat this behavior over and over again until they either learn that they ARE worthy, or they move on to a different form of the same experience. These are just lost girls with low self-esteem who are trying to feel important through others.

In your case, however, this absolutely does stem from past life experiences. It goes all the way back to ancient Greece when the muses (the goddesses of art, dance, poetry and music) were worshiped and revered alongside the other gods and goddesses.

Every art form had its own muse, and musicians got three of the nine. Their names are Polyhymnia (muse of sacred song) Calliope (muse of epic song) and Euterpe (muse of lyric song). Euterpe is the one that is pertinent here.

I see that you were a priestess in the Temple of Euterpe for many years. Most likely, you were dedicated to that goddess because one or both of your parents were musicians, and they made an offering of you to this goddess to boost their own success.

You became the High Priestess of that cult when you were 19, and served as the Lady of the Temple for a long time. This is why you carry the need to inspire musicians now. Of course, in that lifetime, you never married or had any children, but you did learn to read and write, which was almost unheard of during those times.

You've carried a strong attraction to musicians ever since that experience. In fact, you are always going to want to be around music, and there is nothing wrong with that! It's a big part of you even if you don't feel compelled to sing or play an instrument yourself.

Even though it seems like musicians are poor choices for mates, that is not always the case. I have dear friends who are musicians who have nice homes, marriages, kids and educations. At your young age, those guys are few and far between, but they ARE out there.