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    • NO JUDGMENT: BE HONEST AND KIND WITH YOURSELF

      An excerpt from The Clutter Remedy: A Guide to Getting Organized for Those Who Love Their Stuff,

      by Marla Stone

      Decluttering effectively requires self-honesty, since the goal is to remove from your home whatever is inauthentic, out of date, and burying or blocking your authentic self and aspirations. As you do, little and big gems of understanding will fall into your lap, astounding and dazzling you. Clearing up hazy half-truths and stupefying, self-defeating behaviors clears the path to becoming a champion and builder of your empire.

      Ironically, one of the things people discover is how they could have fooled or misled themselves about their own lives, often with good intentions, yet in very unsettling ways. Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy are innocent, well-meaning untruths, but as a child
      I remember feeling a little squeamish when I realized I had been duped. Since then, it’s made me wonder: Do these early fictions teach us that it’s okay and sometimes preferred to lie and dupe ourselves? To tell “little white lies” or say yes when we want to say no? To pick a career that does not interest us because parents or society convince us that it is the only way to succeed? Or to choose a particular path because we think it will be the only thing we will be good at? Are we supposed to deny what we enjoy because others will judge us or we believe it’s wrong? When people are confused about what they want in life, the Clutter Remedy is an excellent process for recognizing personal truth.

      For this reason, I always advise people to approach decluttering from the stance of “no judgment.” See clearly, be honest, and avoid blame. Foster unconditional love and regard for yourself. Be kind, no matter what you discover. By going through this process, you’ve committed to remedying the accumulated clutter in your space, and this usually requires seeing and addressing your inner clutter: the issues, emotions, pain, and untruths that led to it. No one, including yourself, is allowed to judge you, criticize you, or complain about how much you own, how you collected it, or what you will keep. No one should be eyeing your stuff for themselves. It’s your stuff and nobody else ’s business. Accepting your clutter as you find it, without feeling shame or regret, is the optimal stance. This will help you see more clearly and will help you recognize any negative patterns and attitudes that you will want to work through prior to going through all your stuff. Focusing on blame and getting mired in judgment will only stress you out and bog you down.

      One thing that helps make the experience fun and uplifting is to remember that everything you own was chosen for a reason. You acquired things with good intentions; they were useful or they served a purpose or you simply loved them. So when you look at your possessions objectively, ask yourself, “Why is this in my real estate? Why did I think this was a good idea?” You could have chosen certain items because they reminded you of good times. Or they were expensive items that conveyed a certain status you desired. We buy and keep items for lots of reasons. Some items you find during decluttering will remain useful and serve a purpose and still be loved, while some will make no sense at all. Remaining nonjudgmental and enthusiastic rather than ashamed
      and befuddled over your stuff is easier when you see how it relates to your core values. Remember, the goal of decluttering is to create an organized, satisfying, and productive lifestyle.

      Marla Stone, MSW, is the owner of I-Deal-Lifestyle Inc., which provides decluttering, design, corporate training, and lifestyle coaching services. She is a former social worker and psychotherapist turned professional organizer who helps people live an ideal lifestyle by getting to the root of their mental, emotional, spiritual, and environmental challenges. She lives in Orange County, California. More information at www.i-deal-lifestyle.com

      Excerpted from the book The Clutter Remedy. Copyright © 2019 by Marla Stone. Printed with permission from New World Library.

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    • Double Vision: She's Easily Irritated
      scaredwoman

      I’m generally a very kind, spiritual person, and I always try to do the right thing in relationships. Lately, however, I find myself growing really impatient and irritable. Lots of little things get on my nerves, and I just want to be alone – to have some peace, quiet and space. I’m tired of the commotion of raising teenagers, and of constantly being the giver in most relationships. For example, I always strive to be kind, understanding, and generous with my stepdaughter, but she certainly doesn’t make the same effort in return. I’m struggling to remain tolerant, sweet and patient, but I feel burned out. I know there’s a spiritual issue or lesson in all of this for me, but I’m not sure what it is. Do I need to try harder to overcome my bristling ego, or give myself permission to do my own thing?

      – Rhonda

      Dreamchaser:

      There were two things that jumped out at me immediately upon reading your question. The first is that little word but. This is a very tricky word. Our minds react in interesting ways to certain words, and but is a big one.

      When we hear it, our minds automatically cross out whatever came before it and believe only what is said after it. I would like you to reread your question and remove everything you wrote before but.

      She does not make the same effort, I feel burned out, and I’m not sure what it is. That puts a new spin on things, doesn’t it? This is your bottom line: Your stepdaughter has NEVER made the same effort. Your whole entire life burns you out. You are not sure what is wrong, but you know something is.

      Of course, your stepdaughter is a teenager, and teenagers are the most ungrateful brood in the universe. They lie, they get in trouble, they eat all your food, they ride out all your gas. They are angry with you something like 75 percent of the time. It is a completely thankless job being a (step)parent to a teenager – that goes with the territory.

      The second thing that jumped out is about how you need to set some better boundaries. You aren’t sure how to do that with your stepdaughter – because she’s not your own child, you’re not sure where to draw the line with her.

      Here’s the line you’re looking for: If something she is doing is making your life miserable, you have the right to try to change or stop this from affecting you so much. You need to set boundaries with her and stick to them. You should expect for her to fight you, because she fights you on everything anyway.

      If you need peace, quiet and space, then by all means, get some for yourself. When my kids were younger, we lived in a place that had no doors except on the bedrooms. My room was the loft, so I had no door at all. I used to go in the bathroom, turn on the shower, and sit on the side of the tub just to get some peace and quiet.

      You have to take time for yourself or you will wither and become ill. It’s your sacred duty to take care of yourself. If you expect anyone else to take care of you, you will be let down time and time again.

      Just because you are a spiritual person doesn’t mean that your life will be trouble-free. You get to choose how you react to every single thing that happens around you and to you. This is one important reason why you must get the peace and quiet you need – it will help you remain centered so you can respond appropriately to life’s endless little dramas.

      I wish you calm peace on all levels.

      *****

      Astrea:

      I bet all mothers and stepmothers yearn for more time and space to themselves. Growing children are the most demanding people on Earth, but they can also be the most rewarding. Stepparents of teens have an especially difficult time because of the bad rap they get in fairy tales and the modern equivalent: television and the movies.

      One major difficulty in that relationship is that no one can clearly establish who you are in each other’s lives. You’re her daddy’s wife and she’s your husband’s daughter, but the relationship you have with one another is not so easily defined.

      I assume she has a Biological Unit (a birth mother) who further complicates things. It’s a rare blended family that doesn’t have resentment come up now and then. Teens normally rebel against anyone and everyone who wants the best for them – that’s just the way they are.

      Your step-daughter can’t help being who she is any more than you can change who you are. She’s going through her own private teenage hell, and we all have to do that alone.

      She can’t set good boundaries for herself in her current state of mind, and you can’t be expected to do that either. That’s a job for her mother and father. You two can be friends if you want, but you don’t have to be.

      On a practical note, if the stuff that bothers you doesn’t make sense, maybe there is something else going on. I recommend you go to the doctor and get a blood test to make sure YOUR hormones are balanced. In particular, make the doctor check your thyroid.

      Your situation with being easily irritated sounds familiar. When our hormones are out of whack, it becomes far more difficult to maintain balanced emotional reactions, so rule out the chance that this is a physical problem. Both emotional and physical balance is important, and your body may be trying to tell you something.

      Finally, look for the spiritual connection you have with your stepchild, because there definitely is one – you wouldn’t be with her dad unless the three of you had some kind of karma together. By finding that deeper connection, you and your step-daughter can learn to enjoy one another instead of getting on each other’s nerves all the time.

      Of course, you should also give yourself permission to do your own thing sometimes. You are absolutely NOT required to limit your own life for someone else’s children even when they are in your care, so do what you love to do.

      Also, the next time someone says, Well you knew what you were getting into when you married him! you have my permission to give them the dirtiest look possible!

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