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We hope you’ll enjoy this interview with Linda about the book.

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Tell us what you mean when you say in Love Skills that, “Love is an inside job.”

Many of the troubles we experience in relationships emerge from conflicts to which we ourselves contribute, behaviors we simply tolerate that cause silent resentment to build, and unexamined parts of our own psyches. The health of our intimate connections depends on how we deal with our own lingering demons and on our own motivation to grow and change.

What is the difference between love and loving?

Love is a feeling. Loving is a skill set that depends less on how we feel and more on what we do.

You say that a key message of many of the lessons in Love Skills is that “The wave is not the ocean.” What do you mean by that?

The times that feel the most perfect or intolerable between you and your partner will pass. There will always be another wave, another change. The ocean is made up of millions of individual waves, and a long-term relationship is made up of millions of moments, seasons, and times that are both delightful and painful. None of it is permanent; there will always be another wave.

The heart of Love Skills comes from the Love Cycles model you shared in your previous book, which explains that relationships develop in predictable stages, each of which presents its own challenges. What are the five stages of lasting love?

The first stage, fueled by a powerful love potion and marked by brain chemistry changes, causes us to become obsessed with the wonder and delight of our new partner. In this stage, we tend to see only the good, the similarities, and the possibilities.

The seductive power of this stage may also cause us to fall in love with an inappropriate partner. With consciousness and effort, we can choose what to do with our feelings. Do we fan the flames of a potentially dangerous fire, or do we control our passion and turn our attention elsewhere?

If we choose to move with our partner into Stage Two, Doubt and Denial, we wake up from the infatuation and begin to wonder whether this relationship is really the best choice. We find that our feelings of love are becoming more conditional, and power struggles are arising. We wonder whether our partner has changed.

During this stage, the spotlight shines on our beloved’s flaws. We now invest a lot of energy into getting our lover to become the partner we thought they would be. We are forced to give up our dream of perfect, unconditional love in which our partner always sees the best in us, says the right thing, never embarrasses us, and reads our mind so that they can please us in every way possible.

As our disappointment escalates, so do our biological responses to stress; we prepare for war, retreat, or don camouflage. Welcome to the third stage: Disillusionment. As differences continue to emerge, our proclivities to defend and preserve ourselves may grow even stronger; we may believe that we’re always in the right. Alternatively, those of us who cannot bear conflict shut our ears to every dissonant chord and pretend that everything is wonderful — or at least tolerable.

The point is that we choose how to respond. In this stage, it is particularly vital to move from reactivity to rationality. When we are calmly present, we are free to act for the good of the relationship rather than out of fear or neediness.

Of course, because we’re thoroughly human, we won’t always respond to our lover from our highest selves. Then what? Can we apologize, make amends, and take responsibility for how we’ve behaved, despite what our partner has done? We have the power to make that choice.

Let’s say that when we reach the fourth stage — Decision — we part ways. Can we wish our former partner the best? If that’s too hard, can we at least not wish them the worst?

If we remain together, we have the opportunity to learn lessons that will help to make us the best person we can be while also giving our relationship the chance to grow and deepen. This is where we enter the fifth stage: Wholehearted Loving. No longer two halves trying to make a whole, we are two complete people learning about love. Passion, safety, and generosity return to the relationship, along with humor and empathy.

You say that there are three magic words when it comes to communicating with our partner. What are they?

We often equate the expression “three magic words” with “I love you.” But there are three other magic words that can allow you to discover important things about your partner (and others) that you’d never have imagined. Just as important, these words will help your partner to feel deeply cared about and seen — and to want to respond to you in kind. The words are, “Tell me more.”
“Tell me more” is a powerful phrase when backed by a genuine willingness to pay attention to the answers. Listening with true presence — that is, taking in what the other is saying without judging, suggesting, or trying to fix — is a gift that we can offer another person.

You encourage couples to pay attention to four transition times throughout their day. What are they, and why are they important?

It actually takes very little time to feed and nourish a relationship if we do it consistently. Big trips away and long weekends are great, but research clearly shows that it is steady, consistent, and frequent nurturing that makes a real difference. The four transition times are waking up, parting for the day, coming back together at the day’s end, and going to sleep. If we put three minutes’ worth of connection into each of those times, we can have a huge impact on our relationship.

What is the main message you hope readers will take away from Love Skills?

Love is a feeling. We call it “FALLING IN LOVE”; it takes no skills, decisions, or mindfulness. Loving is a skill set, and we can all get better at it. I have spent my lifetime teaching the skills to hundreds — actually, thousands — of students. I have studied with the smartest people I could find to learn them; but, most importantly, I have practiced them in my own life — in my relationships with the people who matter most, especially my partner of 35 years. We can all get better at loving, and Love Skills offers a tried and true roadmap for how to do that.

Linda Carroll is the author of Love Skills and Love Cycles. While she has worked as a therapist and couple’s coach for over three decades and has acquired numerous certificates and degrees along the way, she says that her own thirty-five-year marriage is the primary source of her knowledge when it comes to the cycles of love. Visit her online at LindaCarroll.com.

Excerpted from the book Love Skills. Copyright ©2020 by Linda Carroll. Printed with permission from New World Library.

Does everyone have a soul mate? Is so, why does it seem like some people never really find their soul mates? Is it possible for our soul mates to end up with up with someone else, and for this to prevent us from meeting them? Could it lead to affairs when our soul mates later meet us?

- Nelly

Dreamchaser:

I am not of the belief that we get one and only one soul mate in any particular life. My guides have told me that we have a group of souls that we go from life to life with. Sometimes they are our lovers, sometimes they are our enemies, sometimes they are our family members, etc. They can come into our lives in any form.

As far as romantic soul mates go, I believe we get approximately five in each lifetime. The reason we get so many is because we are human beings, and we tend to make bad choices at times. We may run away in fear, or think we want more than what we have. As a result of these tendencies, sometimes we walk away from people who really are our soul mates, or they walk away from us.

Sometimes death parts soul mates. We need not be without love for the rest of our lives if a bad choice is made or if death comes calling. The Universe wants us to have as much love as we want in this lifetime, so we get more than one chance at it.

As for your questions about not meeting our soul mates or them winding up with someone else, if that were to happen, another soul mate would enter our lives, and we'd get another shot at true love.

You asked about these relationships potentially leading to affairs, and this is a matter I've been wanting to address. Sometimes our soul mates do come into our lives when we are already coupled with someone else. Let's face it: we often make mistakes and date the wrong person. Sometimes, we even marry them. It happens all the time.

Then there are those couples who came together, have been in a very long-term relationship, worked through all the old karma, and are now only staying together because they think they have to for some reason. Maybe it's for the kids, or because they're married and society expects them to stay together for the rest of their lives. If a new soul mate came into one of those people's lives, it could very well lead to an affair.

We can't choose who we love, and this statement is especially true when applied to soul mate situations. Sometimes people do commit adultery to have this kind of love. It does happen. I don't believe that anyone goes looking for that sort of turmoil. I think it finds us, even if we happen to be married, or if the person we meet is already married.

Some people never seem to find their soul mates because they have issues that keep them from really allowing love into their lives. For example, I walked around angry for 44 years. That is why I kept love away from my life - no one could get past the anger.

If you have not found your soul mate, look inside. Why are you blocking it? What wall have you built around yourself?

I wish you true love.

*****

Astrea:

For every person, there are thousands of soul mates who can be found all over the world, and each of those people has thousands of soul mates too. Everyone you meet is a potential soul mate. Anyone who is LIVING could be a soul mate for anyone else.

Soul mates are not exclusively romantic in nature. Parents can be soul mates with children, and people have animal soul mates sometimes too. Anything is possible with these loving connections.

People create soul mates. It's not just your destiny - it's also your choice. When two people love each other and work to build a lasting, fulfilling partnership, they can become soul mates. And yes, people always find each other, if that's what they want to do.

People who are unselfish in their desire to love others usually find people of like mind and become soul mates together. This is a process, however, so there are no guarantees. One person may think the other is a soul mate, but unless the two of them agree to build that sort of bond, it won't evolve.

Once a soul mate, always a soul mate. That's why I tell people to choose their life partners very carefully. On television and in the movies, a soul mate relationship can be created in forty minutes (plus commercials), but it doesn't happen that quickly in real life.

Soul recognition stems from past life associations. When you meet a person and feel that instant sense of connection, it means that you've probably shared an incarnation or two. It does NOT necessarily mean that you're going to fall madly in love with one another and be together forever.

I sincerely believe we have soul families, and that we return time and again to the people we've loved in past lives. It makes sense that when you feel a very strong pull toward someone, you've known that person before.

If married people are not with their soul mates, they should get single before they hunt for new and better love. Saying that you found a soul mate after you were committed to someone else is not a valid reason for having an affair. In my psychic world, these are what I call lame excuses for bad behavior!

You either think the person you're committed to is your soul mate, or you know that person is NOT, in which case it's better to move along anyway. Many times I hear I knew my wife/husband was not my soul mate, but I married him/her anyway. Try not to do that.

People who say they can't find a soul mate usually have unreasonable expectations that no one can meet. I'm not suggesting that anyone should lower their standards and settle, but to find a real soul mate, you have to look for a real person, someone who has warts and makes mistakes as we all do.