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An excerpt from Stop Checking Your Likes 
by Susie Moore

Now more than ever, we as a society are addicted to our phones. Even more so, we are addicted to getting “likes” on our social media posts — and it can work like an actual addiction in our brain chemistry, activating the ventral striatum part of our brains, which is the same area that lights up when we gamble, enjoy a slice of cake, or have sex. This helps explain why it is so easy to base our happiness and self-esteem on how many “likes” we get. But as so many of us know, getting love and approval from outside of ourselves is fleeting and soon we are picking up our phones again, searching for more approval. Author, life coach, and startup advisor Susie Moore is asking us to break free of the outside approval trap in favor of nourishing and loving ourselves. Stop Checking Your Likes: Shake Off the Need for Approval and Live an Incredible Life is not a self-help book, but a “sanity book,” showing a way out of the maze of likes and thumbs up, and showing the way back to ourselves.

We hope you enjoy this excerpt from the book.

Missing. It’s a good word. Too often, our brains skip over the idea that something is missing and just recognize something as being plain wrong instead. This keeps us stuck — and often in despair. As a result, “What’s missing?” is one of my favorite coaching questions to ask almost anyone.

Once I was coaching a lawyer named Elle who made great money and who seemed to have a nice family and a great life overall. She told me she was on antidepressants and couldn’t figure out why she felt so dissatisfied. Everything was “good enough,” so she felt guilty about her lack of joy. I asked, as most therapists and coaches would, “Well, what’s feels wrong? Or off  ? When did this all begin?”

When a doctor can’t identify an illness, they often will classify it as stress or depression. And then we leave the doctor’s office with prescriptions for drugs we don’t necessarily want or that aren’t genuinely a good fit for us. When I hear about this, it often reminds me of the words of the late dancer and musician Gabrielle Roth: “In many shamanic societies, if you came to a medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions:
When did you stop dancing?
When did you stop singing?
When did you stop being enchanted by stories?
When did you stop being comforted by the sweet territory of silence?”

For my client Elle, friends were missing. As part of the sandwich generation — taking care of her aging parents and her kids plus holding down a demanding job — she rarely saw her friends. Seeing friends regularly is a proven way to boost our spirits, lower cortisol, and even ease hypertension.

Just making the effort to reconnect with her girlfriends over sushi (or even a forty-five-minute glass of wine after work when that’s all she could squeeze into the calendar) lifted her up so much that her husband now encourages her to do it regularly. He sees a marked difference in her when she spends time with the women she loves. “They bring her back to herself,” he says.

That Missing Piece
On the path to satisfying your deep, personal desires — when things go wrong or feel off (and they will) — you can always ask, not what’s wrong, but what’s missing. I read this statement a long time ago, and it’s stuck with me ever since because it applies to nearly every problem.

When we think about what’s wrong, we panic. When we think about what’s missing, however, we become creative! It opens us up. We don’t have a stress response but a loving, open, innovative, even inventive response.

It’s a question that addresses the same issues — but with way more success. Do you see the giant distinction here? When my mom was fifty-five, she went to college to earn her diploma in childhood education. She had been a math teacher in Poland before she moved to England, and she missed working with children. But with English as her second language, and a strong Polish accent, she wasn’t confident enough to be a teacher in a new country. The woman earned a master’s degree from the University of Warsaw, which was almost impossible, especially for a woman, during the Communist regime after Hitler’s war.

After the years passed and her five daughters grew up, she went back to school. In an earlier chapter, I mentioned that these days, in her late seventies, she still works as a volunteer three days a week at a local school, where they call her Granny. But I didn’t mention that to get there, she had to get a whole new diploma in England in order to start working again and do what she loves. She encouraged the younger teachers, and as a woman living on her own, she cherished the connection to the community her job gave her, as well as the great contentment.

I respect this woman so much for knowing what was missing and having the courage — at age fifty-five — to join a classroom full of women less than half her age so she could pursue what she really wanted. She addressed what was missing. And it’s been paying off ever since.

When I felt down for a period in my adult life, I forgot to ask myself this question. I kept thinking instead, What’s wrong with me? I’d sit in my office during conference calls, gazing out the window at the New York City skyscrapers, and I’d constantly think, Is this all there is? The big buildings all around me felt like they were making it all worse — a ruthless reminder of other people’s manifestation of their big dreams, while I was listening to cheesy jazz on-hold music waiting for someone who was late (again).

One morning when I was at my corporate job in one of my on-rotation pencil skirts, I was sitting in my freezing office. Doused in artificial light as usual, I numbed my boredom by scouring Pinterest. I saw a pin that struck me, a quote from Mary Oliver: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

“Not this!” my soul screamed.

It was time to fill the hole left by what was missing. Deep down, I knew. I loved to write, and I loved to help other people work out their personal problems. These two skills came naturally to me, but these parts of myself were not active in my job at all. And so it began: my side hustle as a life coach and writer. It marked the true start of the rest of my life. There was a gaping hole in making what’s become my life’s work a reality, and I had to fill it. Overnight, after I signed up for life coaching classes at New York University, I felt different. Let’s not overthink this. What’s missing can be found. It’s willing and waiting and wanting to be found. And fast. But no one else can help you harness your inner desires, because no one can feel them but you.

Remembering that you don’t need anyone else’s approval (and that no one else knows what they’re doing either!), answer this one question:

What’s missing, my friend?
So you don’t love your career — what’s missing?
So your relationship’s in a rut — what’s missing?
So you want to be closer with your distant sibling — what’s missing?
So you don’t feel energized most days — what’s missing?
So you feel life is passing you by versus really being lived by you — what’s missing?

I want to stress that this doesn’t have to be super serious or significant. You don’t have to start a side hustle or a charity, or save the world. As with Elle, the solution can be as simple as one night out a week with a pal.

Being in Harmony with Your Needs
Remember this truth: how you spend your days is a direct, honest reflection of your truest priorities. There are no exceptions to this.

Because finally taking that trip to France, making amends with a relative after years of conflict, or even enjoying a simple glass of Chardonnay with an uplifting friend on a Tuesday night might be the remedy that you need. And you want to be in harmony with your needs, not at war with them. Happiness cannot exist without harmony.

Doing new, hard things, from launching a business to stretching your body physically, is even easier when you can ask yourself this question:

Where’s the pressure for me to be perfect out of the gate at this new thing?

In. Your. Head.

I’m willing to be bad at rock-climbing, among other things — and have a blast nonetheless. Because it’s no one’s job to be good at everything. So you can resign from being perfect at any endeavor right now. Phew. You can relax! There’s nothing to prove. Remember, life is to be enjoyed, not endured.

Think for a moment: What is something you’re willing to be bad at? And why might that be good for you? Trying something new is good in and of itself, and while that particular thing may not be what’s missing in your life (rock-climbing in particular wasn’t necessarily missing from mine), it’s the fact that you’re trying something, stretching yourself, getting out of your comfort zone, and opening yourself up to finding what’s missing that matters. And that’s what doing something fun and new and challenging like going rock-climbing (if you’re not normally someone who does that!) can bring to you. Right now I’m psyched to have more nature and physical beauty as a part of my world.

Whatever you decide to try, doing your best is enough. And don’t let the world (or social media) fool you into thinking that fame, fortune, and the adoration of others is the answer to what’s missing. If that were true, rich and famous people would never kill themselves, when sadly, suicide is more common among celebrities than it is among many other populations.

So let’s relax into it, okay? This life thing is meant to be full and fun. The next time you don’t feel great, or you feel plain restless, ask yourself the delicious, curious question: What’s missing?

Think about it. Needy, unhappy, draining people rarely have questions. Because there’s no curiosity there! That’s not you. You have needs, yes, because you’re a human, but you’re not “needy” — because you don’t just want to complain about your needs. You’re curious and open and willing to satisfy them. That’s why you’re reading this book.

Remember, curiosity fuels wisdom. Even our sockless friend Albert Einstein said, “I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.”

There’s no pressure. The answers will present themselves when they’re met halfway with your willingness. Stop searching for a problem. When you search for problems, you’ll find one (or several) just because our brains like finding answers. Do yourself the favor of a lifetime and locate what’s missing instead. It’s a fun space to be filled as opposed to something terrible to be fixed. Then see what happens!

Because the authority in your life always knows how to fill that space once you pass her the mic. So pick it up, will ya?

Check this:
Complete the “What’s Missing for Me?” exercise. Freewrite!
Keep asking yourself, “What else?” Keep going until you’ve written it all out.
Take a few breaths, and review your list.
Take action on one thing this week that’s missing for you. And another the following. Journal on your emotions after taking the action and notice what arrives for you.
Let it be fun (and easy).

Susie Moore is the author of Stop Checking Your Likes and What If It Does Work Out? which was named by Entrepreneur as one of the “8 Business Books Entrepreneurs Must Read to Dominate Their Industry.” A former Silicon Valley sales director turned life coach, she has been featured on The Today Show, as well as in O Magazine, Business Insider, Forbes, Time, and Marie Claire. She lives in Miami, Florida with her husband Heath and their Yorkshire Terrier, Coconut. Find out more about her work at www.Susie-Moore.com.

Excerpted from the book Stop Checking Your Likes. Copyright ©2020 by Susie Moore. Printed with permission from New World Library.

I know it's easier to see auras against a blank, light backdrop, and indeed, I often see my toddler's aura when she is in the bathtub and my husband's aura when I'm sitting and he's standing above me with the white ceiling behind him. I have noticed that I see the auras of my toddler and my husband a lot, but I hardly ever see anyone else's aura. Why can I see some auras, but not others? Also, why is it that sometimes I can see theirs, but most of the time I can't? Thanks!

- Aubrey

Dreamchaser:

I believe the answer to your question is really simple. You can see your child's and your husband's auras because you know them and feel comfortable with them. You also feel the energy exchange going on between you and them. These factors open you up to interact on a higher spiritual plane with them than with others.

Energy moves between all living things. We can feel it and be open to it, or we can not feel it and be closed to it. It is hard for you to get to know people, to allow people into your life and your "energy field." As a result, it will be harder for you to get to know them "spiritually."

You absolutely can see other people's auras if you are willing to open up to their energy exchange with you. If you notice, you see your husband's and child's auras when you are at peace and in a relaxed state, when you have no walls or defenses up.

I think you should try the "Bubble Method" that I write about so often in this column. When you go outside the house, picture yourself inside a bubble. You can make the bubble of any material and any color that you would like. My bubble is made of purple water. Just picture yourself stepping into a bubble and it sealing around you. Your energy can get out, but no one's energy can get in if you don't want it to.

Imagining yourself in this bubble is like making a pact with the Universe. The Universe will protect you so that you can experience the energies of the world. When you're in your bubble, you can safely feel OPEN to people around you.

Open up your solar plexus by taking some deep breaths and feel the energies that you want to feel. Remember, your bubble will protect you at all times from any negative or "harmful" energies or entities. I bet you will start to see auras once you are used to being protected inside of your bubble.

I always "bubble" when I am reading for clients. I need to protect my energies so that I don't get drained. I choose to feel my clients' energy enough to give them a good reading, but do not let them "vampire" me.

Once you start to feel safer with energies around you and start to see more auras, I also think you are going to find that you are an empath. That is why it's so hard for you to connect to energies - you learned early in life that it was draining for you to do so.

I wish you safe and enlightening encounters with energies and auras.

*****

Astrea:

Many times I will see the auras of my husband and my family, but most of the time, their auras are hugged close to their physical bodies because they aren't allowing anyone to view them.

People naturally pull their auras in close to their physical bodies most of the time. Unless they are spiritually enlightened and aware that they CAN manage their own energy field and know how to do that, our ability to see their auras will be sort of hit or miss. Once you've had more practice with people outside your own family, you'll be able to access the auras of people who will allow that to happen.

There are lots of good books about aura viewing, and many people think that auras can be photographed. Find a book that contains the photographs of many people's auras and study those photos. You'll begin to see various patterns in most of them. For example, people who are old, young, well or ill will share some of the same aura characteristics. This knowledge will help you view others who are willing to let you.

If there is someone in your area who is teaching aura viewing, it would be good to go and take a class or two with them. Sometimes it just takes another person doing something to help you step into the power to do it too.

Through study and practice, you'll find that some people don't have an aura that extends much beyond their physical presence. People who have suffered physical or emotional abuse, for example, may never be able to let their auric protection out where others can perceive it.

Though you'll be unable to see their auras even with their permission, this will give you a clue as to who they are and what has happened to them in their lives. Sometimes a simple discussion of what has taken place will "free" people like this to release that energy, which should enable you to see it around them.

The only time we can see someone else's aura is when that other person is either consciously or unconsciously ALLOWING us to see it. Your child and your own husband don't feel you are invading their personal space by viewing their auras from time to time. They are "open" with you.

To see the auras of people with whom you're not intimately connected will take some work and lots of practice. It may also take their permission, whether stated out loud or telepathically. Try to be patient, for practice always makes perfect!