- The Power of Body LanguageContinue reading →
The Power of Body Language, by Richard Webster
(Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal.)
Understanding and using body language gives you a powerful tool that will improve your life in many ways. You can observe the body language of others to determine their moods, motivations, and feelings. You can also use body language to project whatever it is you want others to see. If you feel nervous and insecure, for instance, you can hold your head high and stand straight to convey an image of confidence. Other people will assume you are confident, and because your body is expressing it, you'll feel confident, too.
We all use body language unconsciously. If you meet a friend unexpectedly, you'll know instantly if he or she is happy, sad, angry, frustrated, or irritated. This is easy to do with friends and family, but you also constantly read the body language of strangers. You might notice someone in a shopping mall and know right away that he or she is feeling sad. Have you ever started to approach someone, and then hesitated or moved in another direction? Without a word being spoken, the other person's body language told you that it wasn't a good time to interrupt him or her. It's usually a simple matter to tell if someone is happy, even if he or she isn't smiling. You can probably tell if someone's smile is genuine or forced. You can sometimes tell from the person's body language if he or she is lying, or telling the truth. If you've ever noticed people freeze in terror, tremble with rage, shrug their shoulders, tap their fingers, raise an eyebrow, stiffen their upper lip, flush with embarrassment, or raise their chin, you've observed, and probably interpreted, their body language. Consequently, you, like everyone else, are already good at reading body language.
However, even though you possess these skills, good is not enough. Imagine you're a salesperson, and you're subconsciously sending out a message telling people that you're not approachable. You may have a habitual scowl on your face, and not know that it's turning people away. It's a simple matter to remedy that, and if you did, your sales would immediately increase. As a salesperson, you know that you need to gain rapport with your customers to make a sale. Certain body language techniques, such as mirroring the customer's posture, and listening with your eyes, are good ways to gain rapport.
You might be looking for a partner, or maybe just a date. Your chances of success will improve if you look happy and keep your arms and legs uncrossed. Crossed arms and legs create a barrier, and subliminally tell people you don't want to be approached. Salespeople learn techniques to make people uncross their arms, because they immediately become more open when the barrier has been removed. I find it fascinating that the biggest problem people have when seeking a partner is an inability to recognize the non verbal messages that are being sent to them. They either misunderstand them, or fail to recognize them. Speaking generally, women are better than men at picking up messages of this sort. If you study body language, your chances of getting a date improve enormously.
A few months ago, I met a friend for lunch. I knew she'd been finding it hard to get work, but all the same, I was surprised at how despondent she looked when she came into the restaurant. After ordering her a drink, I asked her how she was getting on.
"It's so hard out there," she told me. "It's almost impossible to get an interview, and even when I do, I can tell right away that they're not interested in employing me."
"Maybe you're sending out the wrong vibes," I said. "I saw you come in from the car park. You looked down in the dumps. What do you do when you get an interview?"
"I'm just me, I guess. I get nervous, and find it hard to give good replies to the questions they ask me."
When I found out she had an interview coming up, I offered to teach her a few body language tips that would make her feel more confident and at ease during the interview.
"Some may seem almost too obvious," I said. "Naturally you should appear happy, smile, and make good eye contact. When people are nervous, they find it hard to appear positive. You also need to start doing this before you even enter the building. You have no idea who may be watching you arrive. Stand tall, keep your head up, and walk with a sense of purpose. If you do that, you'll feel more confident, and that will carry on throughout the interview."
"That wouldn't fool anyone," she said.
I laughed. "Funnily enough, it will fool you. When you start acting in a confident manner, you'll feel confident, which means you'll be confident. When you're confident, you'll be able to sell yourself well at the interview."
We discussed a number of other ideas she could use to help sell herself at the interview. As it turned out, she didn't get that particular job, but she was excited when she spoke to me about it.
"I felt so different in the interview," she told me. "I kept both feet on the floor, sat upright in my chair, and kept my hands in my lap. I felt relaxed. I even asked questions, something I've always found hard to do in that sort of situation."
She also observed the body language of the person interviewing her. "I noticed his hand gestures, and how he nodded his head slowly when he wanted me to keep talking. He leaned forward and smiled frequently. I know why he did all those things now. It's funny—I never noticed things like that before."
It took her two more interviews before she was offered a position, and by that time she'd lost her fear of interviews. She's now observing her own, and other people's, body language everywhere she goes.
Knowledge of body language is useful in every area of life. Bodies really do speak louder than words. Once you've learned the basics, you can use your knowledge of body language to charm, captivate, and influence others. Other people will find you more approachable, and your dealings with others will be smoother and more successful than ever before. You'll feel in control in any type of situation.
Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal. Copyright Llewellyn Worldwide, 2014. All rights reserved.
- Double Vision: Why Did She Do This?Continue reading →
I am a Cancer, birth date 7-18-70, and back in May I started a relationship with a younger woman. Her birth date is 2-8-86. We started a friendship and then things got serious. We had closeness and intimacy. For months I tried to help her with her feelings for her ex-boyfriend. I fell in love with her. I did everything but buy a house for her, and then she started other relationships with other guys and called them friends. I finally found out the extent of those relationships. She got back recently with her ex, and now I am left with all these feelings and dreams that we started. I am both in love and depressed about it. Why did she push me so hard to get married, have sex, and plan a future with me, only to throw herself on other guys and finally go back to her ex? She tells her ex that we were just friends, but both of our families know we were dating. In fact, my mom thought we were going to get married. I think she is in denial. I still love her, but she hurt me so bad. I don't know what to do. Help! I want to know if there was anything that I haven't seen that I should know. She lies to everyone to get her way with them. I just wanted to love her as any real man loves a woman. I hope you can give me some guidance. Thanks.
- Bryan
Dreamchaser:
First, thank you for sharing this painful experience with us.
Now let's get down to what is happening here. The main lesson in this whole situation for you, Bryan, is for you to listen to your gut/ instincts/ inner voice - whatever word you want to choose.
Throughout this entire relationship, your gut was tweaking. You always "felt" that something was amiss, but because you loved her, you chose to ignore that nagging. We always know in our guts when something is not going to work out, or something is up. In retrospect we ALWAYS look back and say, "I knew it."
You absolutely must listen to your gut, even when it disagrees with what you think you want. Actually, it's especially important to listen then! The expression, "hindsight is 20/20" is popular for a good reason. We can look back and clearly see how things worked out for the best, even when we struggled against change at the time it was happening. Someday, in hindsight, you too will see how things worked out for the best here.
You have to not only understand but also accept that everything happens just as it is supposed to. She could not handle the practical details of the life you two were making together. She is the type of person who has to have drama happening all the time. For example, when things got settled and easy between you, she went to find new "friends."
She was very crafty in using that term. For your benefit, every other man in her life was a friend. For their benefit, you were a friend. She can have lots of friends taking care of her needs, and she doesn't have to work very hard to get by, nor does she have to make an actual commitment.
You want a commitment, and you are ready to commit to someone who will meet you halfway. If she had stayed with you, you would have stayed with her because you love her. By doing so, however, you would have kept yourself from the woman who is going to give you what you REALLY want and need, not what you THINK you want and need.
This is when life gets really tough. As human beings, we want love. We think we find someone that we want to love and we do whatever it takes to make that love work, even when it is not supposed to. However, as spiritual beings, we have this "knowledge" inside of us of what LOVE is supposed to be. So far you have not found that. You have proven you can love unconditionally, so it won't be long before the love you have to offer will be returned in kind.
In the mean time, please look inside of yourself and try to find out why you have this need to "fix" or "help" women. Is it perhaps so that you will become indispensable, and she will never want to leave you? Answer that question, and you'll move to a higher experience in love.
I wish for you the love you so desire.
*****
Astrea:
You poor thing! You got involved with a CHILD who APPEARED to be adult, when she was really running from one thing to another, trying to decide how she could be the happiest. At her young age, consideration for you was probably the LAST thing on her mind.
I'm so sorry you chose to let yourself be hurt by this youngster. I'm sure she didn't do any of the things that hurt you so much on PURPOSE; she just didn't know any better.
I see that she had a good time with you, and was momentarily grateful for the distraction you gave her from the other boyfriend, but ultimately, she was too immature to be with you, so she went back to that other person, who is more like her. Children have limits that are NATURALLY set by their ages and maturity levels, and it's easier for her to be with him.
Young girls are often about what is EASIEST for them. Your presence demanded that she behave in a mature fashion, and she just couldn't keep it up.
You say she was open to all your plans for the future. In the moment those plans were made, of course she was. Unfortunately, with kids her age, out of sight is out of mind, and as soon as you turned your back for a minute, she was off on some other teenage tangent. She couldn't focus on the future like you can.
The lying seems to be part of her personality, though if you asked her why she does that, she probably wouldn't know what you were talking about. She loved you as much as it was possible for her to love anyone. That is the way young girls who have never had to be responsible for their lives behave. Ten years from now, she might be ready to settle down with a nice guy like you, but she has too much growing up to do now.
You see, she thought you two were the SAME. She hasn't had enough life experience to realize that men your age who want to be in a committed relationship are SERIOUS about their marriage plans. She thought the two of you were just TALKING and having a good time, creating some kind of fairy tale "happily ever after" as she's seen on TV and in the movies. She had no idea your feelings for her ran any deeper than hers for you.
Perhaps the age difference should have tipped you off from the beginning. I do understand how easy it is to get caught up with people when we think we've found true love. However, expecting any eighteen-year-old person to be able to think clearly about her future is a stretch. Girls her age are still trying to decide what they are going to be when they grow up.
She's not in denial, because there is nothing for her to deny. You were fun until her other boyfriend came back, and as hurtful as that may sound to you, it's the truth.
Move on with your own life, and find someone you can TRUST with your heart. This time, try someone closer to your own age!