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An excerpt from Overwhelmed and Over It 
by Christine Arylo

Women stretched beyond capacity. Women struggling to get it all done. Women sacrificing themselves to take care of everything and everyone else. Not just for a moment or a season, but as an ongoing cycle from which they can’t break free.

In her new book Overwhelmed and Over It: Embrace Your Power to Stay Centered and Sustained in a Chaotic World, bestselling author Christine Arylo offers women who have come to accept the frenzied, fast pace with which they live and work to stand up and say: “This way of working isn’t working. And it has to change now!” We hope you’ll enjoy this excerpt from the book.

Asking for support does not make you weak; it makes you wise. Cultivating sisterhood isn’t a nice-to-have; it’s a necessity. When a woman feels supported, she thrives. When she feels connected and held in sisterhood, she exhales. When she tries to do it on her own, she flounders, drowns, and depletes herself. So why can it be so hard to ask for support? Why do we lack the deeper sisterhood and connection we crave, and just make do without it? Why is it that even when support shows up — whether it’s a simple act, like a man offering to take your suitcase down from the overhead bin on an airplane, or someone making a bigger offer to help you with a project or personal situation that involves the giving of time, money, or effort — you refuse or repel the support rather than receive it with grace?

We have become so self-sufficient as self-empowered women that we have become overly self-reliant.

We’ve become so used to doing whatever needs doing that we don’t pause to consider that we may need help to do it. We don’t consider that if we don’t have the resources we need, maybe we shouldn’t take it on. We’ve grown so accustomed to having to fight for what we need or just barely scrape by that we’ve gotten used to making do and doing more ourselves.

We seem to be stuck in a vicious cycle in which the responsibility to do it all on our own, without sufficient support, is our reality. Like Olympic weightlifters, we’ve hoisted the burdens on our shoulders, and held them there. But truthfully, too many women are buckling at the knees, and our girls are feeling the pressure much too young. I’ve witnessed women break bones, get sick, lose breasts, because only then, when their physical bodies broke down or got slowed down, were they forced to receive support. And even still, they resisted receiving. Needing others made them feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Not being able to take care of themselves made them feel weak, lazy. This was not their fault, nor is it your fault if you’ve experienced a major health or life crisis that required you to receive help. I am being blunt and real with my language because my fierce feminine heart is saying, No more, for any and all of us. This deep imprinting against receiving support has made it almost impossible for us to receive what we need — so much unnecessary guilt, shame, judgment, and overgiving — and it’s costing us in significant, life-altering ways.

Our inability to receive as women has an impact on our physical, emotional, and mental health and quality of life, as well as our intimate relationships, families, desires, and work, in big ways. And in small ways with respect to how we block support — whether it’s a compliment or an offer to take care of something for us. I see it every time I hold a retreat and women arrive to check in and are greeted by my partner, Noah, who offers to take their bags. Noah stands over six feet tall, is 250 pounds, and like a gentle giant can carry three times what we could without breaking a sweat. You would think most women would gladly hand over their heavy bags. After all, they are on a retreat. But oh no! Over half react from some deeply embedded protective response: “No, I’ve got it!” In other words, “Back off, Mr. Man. I’m a self-empowered woman who does not need a man’s help.”

The other half pause for a moment to take in what has just occurred. I watch their eyes and can see their internal operating systems shifting, hearts and heads upgrading. These wise women, instead of contracting or asserting their she-woman strength, open their hearts. They receive Noah’s offer of support. As each one hands Noah her bags, I witness her exhale. Imprint breaker. Consciousness elevator. The bags, a metaphor for all the responsibility she carries in her life, have just been given to someone else to take away. The women realize they need to set down the burden of their lives. They received the unexpected support, and now they are free! The other half struggle and sweat their way to their rooms, once again choosing to carry the burden versus receive support.

This inability to receive support without guilt or apology has got to stop, now. Our lives, our missions, and the lives of our children depend on it.

Self-Sustainability Stands for Strengthening Your Capacity to Receive

Next are some self-sustainability stands that can help you cultivate support and sisterhood now.

1. I receive, versus refuse, support. Whether it’s a simple compliment or an offer of money, time, or effort, instead of contracting or blocking the support, open up to receive the support.
2. I receive support without feeling guilty or like I have to give in return. Embrace what is being offered as a gift, without feeling like you have to give in return or like you are a burden.
3. I know what I need, and I name it, without apology. Be direct and clear about what you need, instead of feeling like you have to prove or justify your needs. Then be open to how the support comes, as it often shows up in ways different than you 
think.
4. I make choices based on the resources actually available. In the running of your life, family, organization, team, and projects, operate based on the support you actually have, not the resources you wish you had or were promised.
5. I cultivate a strong web of support and sisterhood so the support is there when I need it. Create this support web for yourself as if your life depends on it, because it does. Don’t rely on just one person or one community. Cultivate multiple meaningful connections with individuals and communities — it’s about quality, not quantity — in which you connect in person and online; both are needed. This web will be what holds you when the challenges, doubt, and swirl stir you up.
6. When I set goals for what I desire to achieve, I also name the support I need to receive. When you set your intentions and plans for your business, organization, wealth, health, relationships, self-expression, and so on, use the four Wings of Support to identify the support you need. This way, giving and receiving will both be woven into how you work, create, relate, and operate.

You now know that in order to reach your goals, meet the demands of your life, and stay sustained, receiving support and sisterhood is a nonnegotiable. Your role is to get clear on what you need, ask for it, and open up to receive it, however it comes. This is a practice for how you design your life and meet both the expected and unexpected challenges and opportunities that come your way.

Christine Arylo, MBA, is the author of Overwhelmed and Over It. As a transformational leadership advisor, three-time bestselling author, and host of the popular Feminine Power Time podcast, she is recognized worldwide for her work helping women to make shifts happen — in the lives they lead, the work they do, and the world they wish to create. Arylo offers workshops globally and lives near Seattle. Visit her online at OverwhelmedandOverIt.com.

Excerpted from the book Overwhelmed and Over It. Copyright ©2020 by Christine Arylo. Printed with permission from New World Library.

My husband and I were married for 29 years. He passed away in November of 2001. After his death, I found out that he'd had an affair with another woman, and they had a son together. I forgave him for this, but it seems something or someone doesn't want me to move on. Things keep missing from his grave. I will put them there, and when I go back, they are gone. Also, I have a three-year-old grandson who never met my husband, and he keeps saying, "Grandma, do you see that man?" when there is no one around. When I go to my husband's grave, I just feel nervous and sometimes scared. When I am there it feels as though he is looking at me. We had a good marriage most of the time, until he got really sick - then I was called everything but my name. On the last night he was alive, we spent a good couple of hours together, and we had a really nice conversation and he said he loved me. Why are these strange things happening, and why do I feel so nervous about him? Thank you for your time.

Bonnie

Dreamchaser:

Let's deal first with the things missing from the grave. I know that in most cemeteries, you pay for the gravesite to be cleaned and maintained. There is a person who goes around and cleans up all the debris from on and around the graves. The things that you put on the grave are picked up by this person. If you want to double-check, please go to the office the next time you are there and ask the caretaker if he knows what is happening to the things you leave on your husband's grave.

The next thing we need to discuss is your little grandson. Children are born with the gift to "see." Have you ever watched a baby talking to "nothing but air?" Show your grandson a picture of your husband and ask him if that is the man he keeps seeing.

Your grandson sees all sorts of spirits in the house, not just your husband. Before you jump to conclusions on this one, make sure you two are talking about the same man. You can always ask children to tell you things about the person they see, or to draw you pictures. If you encourage them, they will give you amazing details.

I find it interesting that the first details you offered us were about how you discovered after your husband's death that he'd had an affair, and a child was born from that affair. You then say you forgave him. While your questions really had nothing to do with those facts, your mention of this right from the beginning IS meaningful.

I feel you have not really forgiven your husband, and that he knows that and is waiting around for your complete forgiveness. I think you are scared of the spirit of him because you know you really are still very mad at him. He never told you about the affair, not even at the end, and when you found out, you were so stunned that it took quite a while for you to even believe it.

That is NOT something that a man who loves his wife or has a happy marriage does, at least not according to what you have always believed. The whole situation has thrown you for a big loop. You had that wonderful last day together, and you felt so loved. Then you found this out, and it cast a big proverbial shadow over everything you believed your marriage to be.

I have an idea: I think you should have it out with him. I think you should speak to the air just like you would speak to him and let him know how you feel about him dying, how he treated you at times, and especially how you feel about his affair. Really hash it out with him. You will feel better after you say it all.

Nothing is holding you back from moving forward. This is all about you and your grief. Please do not push yourself. When it is time for you, you will be able to start to move forward. You are reconciling a lot heavy experiences and truth in your head. Give yourself time to completely heal.

I wish you peace with the past.

*****

Astrea:

Losing a spouse after all those years together has to be one of the most difficult experiences to deal with. It takes a VERY long time to get over something like that. Discovering that your husband had a separate family would be a shock for ANYONE, but I'm sure it feels even worse after that person has moved on into the Light.

You've not been able to confront him about what he did to you. You don't get to discuss why he did it or what made him feel he could betray you that way with another woman. Twenty-nine years is a lifetime, and to discover he had such a huge secret from you must hurt very deeply. It's a shame it couldn't have remained a secret until you join him again in Heaven, when he might be able to explain himself.

Nevertheless, this secret does not mean that he didn't truly love you, and still loves you from where he is now. Nothing is keeping you from moving on but YOU, because even though you've tried to forgive him, you're still not truly over what happened. When you're ready, you WILL move on.

Teenagers steal things from graveyards and keep them as souvenirs. That's what's happening at the cemetery with the things you leave on your husband's grave. I see a "pack" of them scavenging weekly. Sometimes kids take things to scare themselves into thinking they'll see apparitions or "ghosts." I don't see anything magical or metaphysical going on there - just a normal bunch of delinquents getting their kicks. They do it to scare people, too. It's a game to them, and it happens in every cemetery. I've seen kids with a room full of graveyard "souvenirs."

Having your husband mistreat you while he was ill has also stuck with you, and that's why you feel nervous and unsettled at his grave when you visit. You never got over that bad treatment, and it's stuck with you like glue. It's hard to let go of that cruelty.

Since it makes you UNHAPPY to visit his grave, stop going. Your husband isn't at the cemetery or in his grave anyway; he's in Heaven having a FINE OLD TIME.

The only time his Spirit is close by is when he's with your grandson. He's watching over him, and the kiddo is still little enough to SEE him and not feel it's crazy or scary. Considering some of the things your husband did when he was alive, looking after your grandson is the LEAST he could do. It's sort of a "GUARDIAN ANGEL" job. Your husband loved his work in life, so it's natural for him to still be working now.

I wish you could see him as your grandson does. Get him to describe to you what they do together before he gets too old to do it, or gets all hung up about telling you. This is going to make it easier for you to move on and have a GOOD life. You'll be able to see your husband through your grandson's eyes as the loving, caring person he was when he was well and truly with you.

Astrea:

Many times in life we hear, "You will always have what you NEED, but not necessarily what you WANT." Your spirit must have needed to experience the feeling of leaving your human body, and the suggestion in the next chapter of Sylvia Brown's book was all it took to get you there.

Even though you hadn't read it yet, your SOUL recognized the title of that chapter as something it had been seeking, and your soul, knowing that you had that reference to read after your experience, got with it and out you went!

While I don't usually recommend her books, Sylvia Brown has a wide reaching and powerful effect on lots of people. A Gemini like you would be able to relate easily to her writing and put it to good use. Synchronicity - you gotta love it!

I like your description of "getting caught." That's exactly what it feels like, isn't it? One minute you're free and hovering above the room, and the next minute, ZAP! back down into your corporeal form you go!

As a little kid, I loved that "feeling of return." With practice, most of the time we can control that event, but sometimes, when our physical ears hear a distracting noise or something else occurs to knock us back into reality, back we go. With practice you will be able to control your return better.

I find it interesting that you were visiting your mother-in-law and not someone in your own genetic family. Evidently, you and your husband got married for reasons that are even deeper than love. His family's interest in "psychic stuff" will nurture your children in such matters and help them to grow into their own abilities.

You'll never have to be concerned that when your daughter visits them, she'll be discouraged from exploring her own psychic life and power. My parents encouraged me to develop my psychic senses in a time when it wasn't nice to even discuss such things in public. Heck, it's STILL not considered a great topic at the dinner table in some families!

Your kids will get to talk about it ALL and ask questions and read and study. This is going to give them such an edge in life! Talk with your husband about how you want to present this to your kiddos, so that you are united in your approach and ready to tell them their experiences are all natural and okay.

A word or two of warning: Geminis often have difficulty staying grounded in REAL LIFE. Don't get so strung out on your ASTRAL life that you neglect what you're doing here on Earth.

You are at the beginning of a long journey to learn where your power really lies. Try to be patient with this process and take your time.