KAJAMA.COM NEWSLETTER

by Andrea Mathews

(Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal.)

There's a lot of talk these days about the authentic self. The common advice, "Just be yourself," is today's take on Shakespeare's, "To thine own self be true." But what most of us don't know is that there is a difference between identity and the authentic self. In fact, most of us have so identified with our identity that we don't know that it is often operating on a level of consciousness that excludes our authenticity.

An identity is a mask and costume we unconsciously wear, to which we have become so accustomed over the years that we do not know that it is not who we actually are. We may, in fact, think that we are being true to ourselves, because this is just what we do. As a practicing psychotherapist, I have commonly heard people describe themselves as, "Well, I'm just one of those people who gives, gives, gives. You know that's just me." What they mean is that this is what they do. This is what they have always done. This is what they have done for so long and so hard, that this is all that they understand of a "me." What they don't know is that there is another "me" down under all of that, a "me" that is seeking to be heard, seeking to be known, and seeking to be lived. They sent that other "me" away into the unconscious years ago, when they were so young that they don't even remember it. They did this sending away because it seemed to be required of them by parents or caregivers who had already decided, whether consciously or unconsciously, who this child was supposed to be.

Depending on which study you read, anywhere between 50% and 90% of our communication is non-verbal. This is so much more true for the child who is pre-verbal. All of their communication with their caregivers is non-verbal. This means that they are picking up information communicated by the body, by the spirit, by the non-verbal cues given off by their primary caregiver. And since they are also, at this early time of their development, looking for mirrors into which to look and define themselves, they often get the external cues mixed up with a mirror.

They might look, for example, into the eyes of a parent who needs to have a child who is very good, makes the parent look very good, never embarrasses the parent, always pleases the parent and the parent's world, and pick up that message without the parent ever speaking it. They might assume that what they see in their parent's eyes, and pick up from the parent's non-verbal cues is actually a mirror, and they might think, "Oh, okay, that's who I am." This child might be picking up a good-guy identity. (This identity is explored in-depth in my book, Letting Go of Good: Dispel the Myth of Good ness to Find Your Authentic Self.)

Children also need very much to belong to the systems in which they were born. If the parent really needs for the child to be good in the way described above, then the child may try to belong to the parent by becoming what that parent needs. In fact, the child would find it very difficult—if not impossible—to say "no" to the parent's need, given the child's own need to belong. So the child starts, even at this very young age, becoming what the parent needs—they will develop a good guy identity.

Depending on the continuing reinforcement of this identity, this child may grow up believing that it is her role in the family to be the good kid. So, she is always trying to serve and please others, always trying to be very loving and kind, always trying to do the right thing. But, of course, since she also has an authentic self, hiding now deep in the unconscious but still full of energy, she may also need to act out of the authentic self from time to time. Or she may develop feelings that are intended to be messages from the authentic self.

For example, if she is always serving others, she may develop some resentments over time. Resentments that say, "I'm always doing loving things towards them, why can't they ever do anything nice for me!?" Or, "I'm so tired, so tired, I just don't want to do that for them right now." These feelings, however, will be shooed away in the name of the identity. In fact the identity will begin to feel very guilty about having such feelings—for these feelings are not loving and kind. But actually, those feelings are trying to save this individual's life. She is being informed of where she might put appropriate boundaries if she will but listen to the messages of the feelings.

But she must not, dare not, listen. She must continue to do good. In fact, over time, guilt becomes the predominate organizer of her life. Guilt says, "You must do this, you have to do this, you should do this, for it is the right thing to do." Guilt raises no questions about authentic desire, authentic compassion, or authentic passion. Those are all hidden in the unconscious. Rather, guilt says, "Get up and do it, now, because it is the right thing to do, and because I'm going to make you feel really terrible if you don't do it."

And so the good guy identity becomes enslaved to guilt. So enslaved, in fact, that she is unable to do anything but what guilt bids her to do. She is totally out of touch with her own desires. She knows nothing about paying attention to her own exhaustion, her own internal voices, her own authenticity. She must always be loving and kind. Even when others are abusive to her, she is unable to draw boundaries, say "no," or leave them if necessary. This is just the "me" that the good guy identity believes to be the truest self. That other voice, the authentic one, is relegated to the back rooms and closets of the living experience.

This person is doomed to continue this pattern until she starts listening to the voice of the authentic self. In order to do that, she might have to walk through some guilt. But the authentic self has many methods of soothing us when we are willing to do the work of becoming authentic.

It isn't easy to imagine that being "good" could be a problem. But we must come to understand that the values called "goodness," instilled from one family to the next, from one culture to the next, can be very different. What is good to one family or culture could be bad to another. Therefore, though we may try and try, goodness is not really a standard that can be adhered to, for its definition fluctuates. But authenticity can be known as truth, and lived as genuineness.

Those who identify with goodness are often stuck in patterns of behavior that are not true to who they actually are. They are split off from any awareness of who they are. If you ask them what they want, they do not know. If you try to help them get in touch with authentic belief or original thought, they do not know these either. What they know is that they will feel very guilty if they don't do what they are supposed to do. And what they are supposed to do is determined by external pressures.

This is obviously a miserable way to live, and all done simply because a person is trying to be good. In fact, they are trying to earn worthiness—a value that cannot be earned, only discovered. It is discovered deep within us when we access and begin to live out of the genuine self. And Letting Go of Good: Dispel the Myth of Goodness to Find Your Genuine Self is going to show you exactly how to go about accessing and beginning to live from your truest self.

Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal. Copyright Llewellyn Worldwide, 2017. All rights reserved.

Does everyone have a soul mate? Is so, why does it seem like some people never really find their soul mates? Is it possible for our soul mates to end up with up with someone else, and for this to prevent us from meeting them? Could it lead to affairs when our soul mates later meet us?

- Nelly

Dreamchaser:

I am not of the belief that we get one and only one soul mate in any particular life. My guides have told me that we have a group of souls that we go from life to life with. Sometimes they are our lovers, sometimes they are our enemies, sometimes they are our family members, etc. They can come into our lives in any form.

As far as romantic soul mates go, I believe we get approximately five in each lifetime. The reason we get so many is because we are human beings, and we tend to make bad choices at times. We may run away in fear, or think we want more than what we have. As a result of these tendencies, sometimes we walk away from people who really are our soul mates, or they walk away from us.

Sometimes death parts soul mates. We need not be without love for the rest of our lives if a bad choice is made or if death comes calling. The Universe wants us to have as much love as we want in this lifetime, so we get more than one chance at it.

As for your questions about not meeting our soul mates or them winding up with someone else, if that were to happen, another soul mate would enter our lives, and we'd get another shot at true love.

You asked about these relationships potentially leading to affairs, and this is a matter I've been wanting to address. Sometimes our soul mates do come into our lives when we are already coupled with someone else. Let's face it: we often make mistakes and date the wrong person. Sometimes, we even marry them. It happens all the time.

Then there are those couples who came together, have been in a very long-term relationship, worked through all the old karma, and are now only staying together because they think they have to for some reason. Maybe it's for the kids, or because they're married and society expects them to stay together for the rest of their lives. If a new soul mate came into one of those people's lives, it could very well lead to an affair.

We can't choose who we love, and this statement is especially true when applied to soul mate situations. Sometimes people do commit adultery to have this kind of love. It does happen. I don't believe that anyone goes looking for that sort of turmoil. I think it finds us, even if we happen to be married, or if the person we meet is already married.

Some people never seem to find their soul mates because they have issues that keep them from really allowing love into their lives. For example, I walked around angry for 44 years. That is why I kept love away from my life - no one could get past the anger.

If you have not found your soul mate, look inside. Why are you blocking it? What wall have you built around yourself?

I wish you true love.

*****

Astrea:

For every person, there are thousands of soul mates who can be found all over the world, and each of those people has thousands of soul mates too. Everyone you meet is a potential soul mate. Anyone who is LIVING could be a soul mate for anyone else.

Soul mates are not exclusively romantic in nature. Parents can be soul mates with children, and people have animal soul mates sometimes too. Anything is possible with these loving connections.

People create soul mates. It's not just your destiny - it's also your choice. When two people love each other and work to build a lasting, fulfilling partnership, they can become soul mates. And yes, people always find each other, if that's what they want to do.

People who are unselfish in their desire to love others usually find people of like mind and become soul mates together. This is a process, however, so there are no guarantees. One person may think the other is a soul mate, but unless the two of them agree to build that sort of bond, it won't evolve.

Once a soul mate, always a soul mate. That's why I tell people to choose their life partners very carefully. On television and in the movies, a soul mate relationship can be created in forty minutes (plus commercials), but it doesn't happen that quickly in real life.

Soul recognition stems from past life associations. When you meet a person and feel that instant sense of connection, it means that you've probably shared an incarnation or two. It does NOT necessarily mean that you're going to fall madly in love with one another and be together forever.

I sincerely believe we have soul families, and that we return time and again to the people we've loved in past lives. It makes sense that when you feel a very strong pull toward someone, you've known that person before.

If married people are not with their soul mates, they should get single before they hunt for new and better love. Saying that you found a soul mate after you were committed to someone else is not a valid reason for having an affair. In my psychic world, these are what I call lame excuses for bad behavior!

You either think the person you're committed to is your soul mate, or you know that person is NOT, in which case it's better to move along anyway. Many times I hear I knew my wife/husband was not my soul mate, but I married him/her anyway. Try not to do that.

People who say they can't find a soul mate usually have unreasonable expectations that no one can meet. I'm not suggesting that anyone should lower their standards and settle, but to find a real soul mate, you have to look for a real person, someone who has warts and makes mistakes as we all do.