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We hope you’ll enjoy this interview with Linda about the book.

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Tell us what you mean when you say in Love Skills that, “Love is an inside job.”

Many of the troubles we experience in relationships emerge from conflicts to which we ourselves contribute, behaviors we simply tolerate that cause silent resentment to build, and unexamined parts of our own psyches. The health of our intimate connections depends on how we deal with our own lingering demons and on our own motivation to grow and change.

What is the difference between love and loving?

Love is a feeling. Loving is a skill set that depends less on how we feel and more on what we do.

You say that a key message of many of the lessons in Love Skills is that “The wave is not the ocean.” What do you mean by that?

The times that feel the most perfect or intolerable between you and your partner will pass. There will always be another wave, another change. The ocean is made up of millions of individual waves, and a long-term relationship is made up of millions of moments, seasons, and times that are both delightful and painful. None of it is permanent; there will always be another wave.

The heart of Love Skills comes from the Love Cycles model you shared in your previous book, which explains that relationships develop in predictable stages, each of which presents its own challenges. What are the five stages of lasting love?

The first stage, fueled by a powerful love potion and marked by brain chemistry changes, causes us to become obsessed with the wonder and delight of our new partner. In this stage, we tend to see only the good, the similarities, and the possibilities.

The seductive power of this stage may also cause us to fall in love with an inappropriate partner. With consciousness and effort, we can choose what to do with our feelings. Do we fan the flames of a potentially dangerous fire, or do we control our passion and turn our attention elsewhere?

If we choose to move with our partner into Stage Two, Doubt and Denial, we wake up from the infatuation and begin to wonder whether this relationship is really the best choice. We find that our feelings of love are becoming more conditional, and power struggles are arising. We wonder whether our partner has changed.

During this stage, the spotlight shines on our beloved’s flaws. We now invest a lot of energy into getting our lover to become the partner we thought they would be. We are forced to give up our dream of perfect, unconditional love in which our partner always sees the best in us, says the right thing, never embarrasses us, and reads our mind so that they can please us in every way possible.

As our disappointment escalates, so do our biological responses to stress; we prepare for war, retreat, or don camouflage. Welcome to the third stage: Disillusionment. As differences continue to emerge, our proclivities to defend and preserve ourselves may grow even stronger; we may believe that we’re always in the right. Alternatively, those of us who cannot bear conflict shut our ears to every dissonant chord and pretend that everything is wonderful — or at least tolerable.

The point is that we choose how to respond. In this stage, it is particularly vital to move from reactivity to rationality. When we are calmly present, we are free to act for the good of the relationship rather than out of fear or neediness.

Of course, because we’re thoroughly human, we won’t always respond to our lover from our highest selves. Then what? Can we apologize, make amends, and take responsibility for how we’ve behaved, despite what our partner has done? We have the power to make that choice.

Let’s say that when we reach the fourth stage — Decision — we part ways. Can we wish our former partner the best? If that’s too hard, can we at least not wish them the worst?

If we remain together, we have the opportunity to learn lessons that will help to make us the best person we can be while also giving our relationship the chance to grow and deepen. This is where we enter the fifth stage: Wholehearted Loving. No longer two halves trying to make a whole, we are two complete people learning about love. Passion, safety, and generosity return to the relationship, along with humor and empathy.

You say that there are three magic words when it comes to communicating with our partner. What are they?

We often equate the expression “three magic words” with “I love you.” But there are three other magic words that can allow you to discover important things about your partner (and others) that you’d never have imagined. Just as important, these words will help your partner to feel deeply cared about and seen — and to want to respond to you in kind. The words are, “Tell me more.”
“Tell me more” is a powerful phrase when backed by a genuine willingness to pay attention to the answers. Listening with true presence — that is, taking in what the other is saying without judging, suggesting, or trying to fix — is a gift that we can offer another person.

You encourage couples to pay attention to four transition times throughout their day. What are they, and why are they important?

It actually takes very little time to feed and nourish a relationship if we do it consistently. Big trips away and long weekends are great, but research clearly shows that it is steady, consistent, and frequent nurturing that makes a real difference. The four transition times are waking up, parting for the day, coming back together at the day’s end, and going to sleep. If we put three minutes’ worth of connection into each of those times, we can have a huge impact on our relationship.

What is the main message you hope readers will take away from Love Skills?

Love is a feeling. We call it “FALLING IN LOVE”; it takes no skills, decisions, or mindfulness. Loving is a skill set, and we can all get better at it. I have spent my lifetime teaching the skills to hundreds — actually, thousands — of students. I have studied with the smartest people I could find to learn them; but, most importantly, I have practiced them in my own life — in my relationships with the people who matter most, especially my partner of 35 years. We can all get better at loving, and Love Skills offers a tried and true roadmap for how to do that.

Linda Carroll is the author of Love Skills and Love Cycles. While she has worked as a therapist and couple’s coach for over three decades and has acquired numerous certificates and degrees along the way, she says that her own thirty-five-year marriage is the primary source of her knowledge when it comes to the cycles of love. Visit her online at LindaCarroll.com.

Excerpted from the book Love Skills. Copyright ©2020 by Linda Carroll. Printed with permission from New World Library.

I believe in reincarnation, but I'm confused about something. How can our loved ones who have passed into Spirit be there to greet us on the other side if they have been born again already? Is it possible that I won't see some of my loved ones on the other side because they have already reincarnated? If they haven't been born back into my family, then is it possible to find them somehow? Does this happen naturally? (Do souls that love each other just gravitate back into each other's lives?) The recent movie "Birth" with Nicole Kidman got me thinking about all of this!
Thank you!

Teresa

Dreamchaser:

I'm glad you asked this question, for I know many people wonder the same thing. Basically, we are split in two. We are spiritual, but when we are here on Earth, we are also human. As I often explain here, when we sleep, our souls leave our bodies. They go to wherever they have to go to heal from today and prepare for tomorrow.

If you put those two ideas together, you'll see how a soul can be somewhere else, even on the Otherside, and at the same time in a body here on Earth. I believe that is how we can see our loved ones on the Otherside when it is our time to go. There are times I get very sleepy and have to take a quick nap for "no apparent reason." I think my soul is required elsewhere during those times.

I also believe that we have a pack of souls we go from life to with. I call this our "soul family." Those people just come to us. Sometimes they are in our family and sometimes they are friends. Not every member of our soul family is here in what we would consider a peaceful capacity. Sometimes we run up on people who become arch enemies, or at least difficult people in our lives.

I believe that these people in our soul family are brought to us by "fate" or "karma" - we don't have to seek them out. When they show up, we instantly know who they are by our reaction to them. They are the people we meet and instantly like and feel a connection to. They are also the people we meet that we instantly dislike and/ or feel a sense of darkness or negativity about.

It is important to realize that not everyone who is a "soul mate" (which is a term that is much overused these days) is someone who is here to bring us love and light and roses. Sometimes we are going to have to face more difficult lessons and interactions via these very powerful relationships.

If you have any questions about who is here for what in your life, feel free to ask in meditation, or you can always ask your spirit guides. If you don't know how to contact your spirit guides, read the other question in this column this week. You could also come to Psychic Chat and get a past life reading from me or one of my colleagues. We would be happy to explore the past life connections between you and other people in your experience.

I wish you a supportive "family."

*****

Astrea:

I believe you are referring to the concept of Ka-Tet (for lack of a better term). Your Ka-Tet is your Karmic Family, and includes scores of individuals you have known in other incarnations. You return to Earth as a group after you've had time for your souls to rest in Heaven for a while. None of us on Earth know how long those Celestial Incarnations last, but I believe they last long enough for the entire Ka-Tet (which sometimes includes hundreds of people) to reach the Celestial Plane, reunite, and get together to plan for the NEXT time you will all incarnate on Earth.

In order to return at all, the Ka-Tet must meet in Soul Life and agree to come back, though not necessarily all together. This all happens as naturally as birth, living, growing old, and releasing one's Spirit back to Heaven.

Thus our loved ones who have Crossed Over before ARE able to meet us when we come to the Celestial Plane, and these souls are not born back into the family during your own lifetime. The people who go before you wait for you on your path, as you wait for those who cross over after you.

The exception to this process is when a baby is lost before he or she is born, and chooses to return to the mother at a later time. If the person is not born alive, the Soul CAN return to the mother as another child, using the same Spirit. This doesn't ALWAYS happen - it's more of an occasional thing - but at times, the Soul that belongs in your Ka-Tet is so drawn to returning that it will take that second opportunity to do so. The sex of the child might be different, but the Spirit will be the same.

Souls who have loved one another DO gravitate back to each other. There is an invisible (to us) thread that connects everyone in a Ka-Tet, and there is a strong pull to reunite with those we loved, no matter how far away we may be born from each other. Nowadays, it's much easier to find one another - I see the Internet making that possible more and more. We live in a very magical time in many ways. Evolution affects EVERYTHING - even Karma!

Be happy and comforted, because you WILL see all your loved ones who have Crossed Over before AND after you when you return to Heaven. Everyone you love and want to see will be there for you, never fear!