KAJAMA.COM NEWSLETTER


An excerpt from Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child 
by Tina Gilbertson

Ten million Gen X and Baby Boomer parents have estranged adult children. Parents wonder: How did this happen? Where did I go wrong? While time, in and of itself, does not necessarily heal, actions do, and while every estrangement includes situation-specific variables, there are practical, effective, and universal techniques for understanding and healing these not-uncommon breaches. Psychotherapist and author of Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship, Tina Gilbertson has developed techniques and tools over years of face-to-face and online work with parents who have foundher strategies transformative and even life-changing. Gilbertson cuts through the blame, shame, and guilt on both sides of the broken relationship, so parents will feel heard and understood but also challenged —and guided — to reclaim their role as “tone setter” and grow psychologically.

We hope you enjoy this excerpt from the book.

The price of positive change is fear. Several different species of fear may crop up in the attempt to change how you communicate. Let’s look at the fears that might show up when you consider adopting a clear, direct communication style.

Fear of being vulnerable. Open and honest communication requires us to expose our true thoughts and feelings. Once those are out of our mouths, they can be criticized, ridiculed, or rejected. When we’re not used to being vulnerable, it seems safer to stay a little closed off, and even to be vague at times in what we say. Without built-in deniability, we feel like sitting ducks.

Fear of conflict. What if we say something that someone else disagrees with? Or worse, what if it hurts or offends someone to hear what we have to say? Expressing ourselves clearly and directly invites the last thing most of us want in our lives: conflict. Fear of conflict is as common as conflict itself. That’s probably because we humans can be pretty bad at managing it. But conflict is a necessary part of relationships. It’s born out of different people having different points of view, which is inevitable. We can learn to tolerate conflict by coming through it repeatedly without lasting damage.

Fear of the unknown. What would happen if everyone owned and openly expressed their thoughts and feelings? Who knows? Familiarity is a balm, even when our familiar patterns of communication are not the best way, or even the easiest. But for parents with estranged adult children, those familiar ways of communicating are often part of the problem. There comes a point when the fear of the unknown starts to be eclipsed by the fear of things staying as they are. Estrangement can create such a turning point.

Fear of intimacy. Those of us who don’t like to let others get too close may feel threatened by the idea of using clear and direct communication ourselves, even if we appreciate it in others. Sharing our true thoughts, feelings, and needs is akin to letting a listener get to know our real selves. And many of us have an unconscious habit of keeping ourselves hidden unless we know we’re safe from judgment or personal attacks.

Changing the Pattern
Why does all this concern with communication matter for the estrangement with your child? Isn’t it too late for the family to improve communication? Yes and no. Your child might never move back in with you (although in this day and age, you never know), but you can still be the vanguard of a new wave of clear, direct communication in your family. In every estrangement, there are emotions at play. Even if your child expresses nothing but apathy toward you, he didn’t start out apathetic. Voluntary estrangement is motivated by emotion. And if you’re going to get to the bottom of it and help your child heal whatever needs healing, you’ll want the best communication tools you can muster, with emotional literacy as the centerpiece.

To make sure communication goes well with your estranged child when you have contact, you’ll need to understand how to respond if your child gets triggered even by calm, clear, direct, ownership-taking statements from you. The more adept you are at identifying and tolerating your own feelings, the easier it will be for you to respond appropriately to theirs. You’ll also want to be able to differentiate between their feelings and yours, so you can hear that they’re angry or hurt without becoming angry or hurt yourself. This takes lots and lots of practice. So why not start today?

Tina Gilbertson is a psychotherapist and author of Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child. Her work has been featured in Forbes, Fast Company, Glamour, Real Simple and Redbook. In 2019, Tina cofounded www.ReconnectionClub.com, offering education, community, and support to help estranged parents repair their relationships with their adult children. Originally from Vancouver, B.C., Canada, she now lives in Denver, CO. Find out more about her work at www.TinaGilbertson.com.

Excerpted from the book Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child. Copyright ©2020 by Tina Gilbertson. Printed with permission from New World Library.

I was born on July 10, 1965. I am very psychic/intuitive and sensitive in every way. This can be burdensome and exhausting, because I take in so much visible and invisible stimuli. I do realize it is a gift, however, and I am trying to figure how I can best use it for myself and others. I also have Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder, and while I can focus on the spiritual realm within, I have a hard time focusing on my job as a night auditor at a hotel. My work is very detail-oriented, and I am constantly getting interrupted by guests and the phone ringing. I get off track easily and it takes me too long to get back "in the groove" and refocus on what I was doing. It can be very overwhelming at times, but I believe I do have the potential to do a good job. I've been here for five months, and am getting pressure from management to "get it together." I am wondering what I should ask my angels/spirit guides in order to get the help I need to do a good job. Right now my intuition is telling me that I might be getting fired soon, even though many of the guests have praised me to management. Do you think angels/spirit guides can help with ADHD?

Patty

Dreamchaser:

I know you don't want to hear this, but I really feel you are in the wrong job. Each one of us has to find work that suits our personal strengths and weaknesses, and your current situation is just not ideal given your ADHD issues. This work is too detail-oriented, and you are just interrupted too often. Towards the end of the shift, it is practically impossible for you to get back on track. As a result of all of this, you are under tremendous stress every time you go to work.

Patty, you are SO good with people. The guests even comment on how kind and helpful you are. This is one of your strong suits. I think you should consider working with people instead of numbers and details.

I am a HUGE proponent of using our guides, angels, God, helpers of all kind, etc., to help us find the perfect job for us. I am living proof of the wisdom of this approach. By now most of you know I worked as an accountant for many years. I could not stand going to work, and would hit the snooze button at least twice every morning.

It was what most people considered a "great" job: I made a lot of money and I was "in the game." I had a good reputation for being thorough, and everyone thought I had a very bright future. I was in line to become a partner. Despite all of this, I dreaded going to work. I finally asked the Universe (and all the helpers in it) to put me where I belong, and I wound up at Psychic Chat.

Your destiny gave birth to you; your destiny will find you if you allow it. I strongly advise you to start asking out loud for help from the Universe. Ask your angels to lead you to your perfect working situation.

I don't want to sound naive and I'm certainly not a doctor, but I believe if you are in the right position for you, your AD/HD will not be a glaring problem. The old cliche "if you have lemons, make lemonade" keeps coming to mind. Even if you suffer from ADHD, you can find a good job for you. Instead of asking your angels to help you with your AD/HD, I would ask them to help you find the place where your unique gifts can do you and the world the greatest good. It worked for me!

You have to ask yourself why you want to keep this job so badly. Since it's causing you so much stress, perhaps losing it would be for the best!

I wish you the ideal career for you.

*****

Astrea:

ADD and AD/HD afflict so many people now. I often wonder what happened before these conditions were so readily diagnosed. I know that you are not trying to find excuses for what's going on in your life, and that you're challenged by a very real condition.

However, it sounds to me like you're not just a night auditor - you're the night receptionist and desk clerk too! You seem to be doing YOUR job plus two more. No wonder you get scattered with all of those interruptions.

While I'm sure it is much more pleasant to engage in conversations with the guests than to crunch the numbers tucked away in some office, you're getting in trouble just for doing your job. Perhaps you could have a calm talk with the person who hired you and discuss moving to a full-time desk position where your talents and abilities could be put to better use.

If the hotel hired an additional person to be the night auditor, you could stay where you're most needed and do the job you most enjoy: interacting with the guests and serving as a representative of the hotel.

Your Guides and Angels want to support you in this, but you have to help them to help you. They're not sure what it is you want them to do. Since you feel you need some help remaining focused, here is a short ritual that may help you access the information you need.

The Japanese hold a festival for tailors called "The Festival of Broken Needles." A shrine is built from the broken needles that tailors saved through the year. These are intended as an offering and reminder of the work the needles have performed over the course of the past twelve months.

In honor of this festival, ask your Guides and Angels, "What are my broken needles? What tools do I rely on now?" Once you have chosen them, build a little shrine of your tools to include your Guides and Angels in your work. Burn an orange candle to represent the "harvest" or what you must reap from your job. Burn a brown candle for new duties and endeavors at work. Carefully reflect on your job and ask your Guides and Angels to continue to be with you and support you in this area of your life. Before you blow out the two candles, say a prayer of thanksgiving, and ask for the highest and the best blessings to come your way. Then be on the lookout for positive changes!

Astrea:

Many times in life we hear, "You will always have what you NEED, but not necessarily what you WANT." Your spirit must have needed to experience the feeling of leaving your human body, and the suggestion in the next chapter of Sylvia Brown's book was all it took to get you there.

Even though you hadn't read it yet, your SOUL recognized the title of that chapter as something it had been seeking, and your soul, knowing that you had that reference to read after your experience, got with it and out you went!

While I don't usually recommend her books, Sylvia Brown has a wide reaching and powerful effect on lots of people. A Gemini like you would be able to relate easily to her writing and put it to good use. Synchronicity - you gotta love it!

I like your description of "getting caught." That's exactly what it feels like, isn't it? One minute you're free and hovering above the room, and the next minute, ZAP! back down into your corporeal form you go!

As a little kid, I loved that "feeling of return." With practice, most of the time we can control that event, but sometimes, when our physical ears hear a distracting noise or something else occurs to knock us back into reality, back we go. With practice you will be able to control your return better.

I find it interesting that you were visiting your mother-in-law and not someone in your own genetic family. Evidently, you and your husband got married for reasons that are even deeper than love. His family's interest in "psychic stuff" will nurture your children in such matters and help them to grow into their own abilities.

You'll never have to be concerned that when your daughter visits them, she'll be discouraged from exploring her own psychic life and power. My parents encouraged me to develop my psychic senses in a time when it wasn't nice to even discuss such things in public. Heck, it's STILL not considered a great topic at the dinner table in some families!

Your kids will get to talk about it ALL and ask questions and read and study. This is going to give them such an edge in life! Talk with your husband about how you want to present this to your kiddos, so that you are united in your approach and ready to tell them their experiences are all natural and okay.

A word or two of warning: Geminis often have difficulty staying grounded in REAL LIFE. Don't get so strung out on your ASTRAL life that you neglect what you're doing here on Earth.

You are at the beginning of a long journey to learn where your power really lies. Try to be patient with this process and take your time.