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An excerpt from Stop Checking Your Likes 
by Susie Moore

Now more than ever, we as a society are addicted to our phones. Even more so, we are addicted to getting “likes” on our social media posts — and it can work like an actual addiction in our brain chemistry, activating the ventral striatum part of our brains, which is the same area that lights up when we gamble, enjoy a slice of cake, or have sex. This helps explain why it is so easy to base our happiness and self-esteem on how many “likes” we get. But as so many of us know, getting love and approval from outside of ourselves is fleeting and soon we are picking up our phones again, searching for more approval. Author, life coach, and startup advisor Susie Moore is asking us to break free of the outside approval trap in favor of nourishing and loving ourselves. Stop Checking Your Likes: Shake Off the Need for Approval and Live an Incredible Life is not a self-help book, but a “sanity book,” showing a way out of the maze of likes and thumbs up, and showing the way back to ourselves.

We hope you enjoy this excerpt from the book.

Missing. It’s a good word. Too often, our brains skip over the idea that something is missing and just recognize something as being plain wrong instead. This keeps us stuck — and often in despair. As a result, “What’s missing?” is one of my favorite coaching questions to ask almost anyone.

Once I was coaching a lawyer named Elle who made great money and who seemed to have a nice family and a great life overall. She told me she was on antidepressants and couldn’t figure out why she felt so dissatisfied. Everything was “good enough,” so she felt guilty about her lack of joy. I asked, as most therapists and coaches would, “Well, what’s feels wrong? Or off  ? When did this all begin?”

When a doctor can’t identify an illness, they often will classify it as stress or depression. And then we leave the doctor’s office with prescriptions for drugs we don’t necessarily want or that aren’t genuinely a good fit for us. When I hear about this, it often reminds me of the words of the late dancer and musician Gabrielle Roth: “In many shamanic societies, if you came to a medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions:
When did you stop dancing?
When did you stop singing?
When did you stop being enchanted by stories?
When did you stop being comforted by the sweet territory of silence?”

For my client Elle, friends were missing. As part of the sandwich generation — taking care of her aging parents and her kids plus holding down a demanding job — she rarely saw her friends. Seeing friends regularly is a proven way to boost our spirits, lower cortisol, and even ease hypertension.

Just making the effort to reconnect with her girlfriends over sushi (or even a forty-five-minute glass of wine after work when that’s all she could squeeze into the calendar) lifted her up so much that her husband now encourages her to do it regularly. He sees a marked difference in her when she spends time with the women she loves. “They bring her back to herself,” he says.

That Missing Piece
On the path to satisfying your deep, personal desires — when things go wrong or feel off (and they will) — you can always ask, not what’s wrong, but what’s missing. I read this statement a long time ago, and it’s stuck with me ever since because it applies to nearly every problem.

When we think about what’s wrong, we panic. When we think about what’s missing, however, we become creative! It opens us up. We don’t have a stress response but a loving, open, innovative, even inventive response.

It’s a question that addresses the same issues — but with way more success. Do you see the giant distinction here? When my mom was fifty-five, she went to college to earn her diploma in childhood education. She had been a math teacher in Poland before she moved to England, and she missed working with children. But with English as her second language, and a strong Polish accent, she wasn’t confident enough to be a teacher in a new country. The woman earned a master’s degree from the University of Warsaw, which was almost impossible, especially for a woman, during the Communist regime after Hitler’s war.

After the years passed and her five daughters grew up, she went back to school. In an earlier chapter, I mentioned that these days, in her late seventies, she still works as a volunteer three days a week at a local school, where they call her Granny. But I didn’t mention that to get there, she had to get a whole new diploma in England in order to start working again and do what she loves. She encouraged the younger teachers, and as a woman living on her own, she cherished the connection to the community her job gave her, as well as the great contentment.

I respect this woman so much for knowing what was missing and having the courage — at age fifty-five — to join a classroom full of women less than half her age so she could pursue what she really wanted. She addressed what was missing. And it’s been paying off ever since.

When I felt down for a period in my adult life, I forgot to ask myself this question. I kept thinking instead, What’s wrong with me? I’d sit in my office during conference calls, gazing out the window at the New York City skyscrapers, and I’d constantly think, Is this all there is? The big buildings all around me felt like they were making it all worse — a ruthless reminder of other people’s manifestation of their big dreams, while I was listening to cheesy jazz on-hold music waiting for someone who was late (again).

One morning when I was at my corporate job in one of my on-rotation pencil skirts, I was sitting in my freezing office. Doused in artificial light as usual, I numbed my boredom by scouring Pinterest. I saw a pin that struck me, a quote from Mary Oliver: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

“Not this!” my soul screamed.

It was time to fill the hole left by what was missing. Deep down, I knew. I loved to write, and I loved to help other people work out their personal problems. These two skills came naturally to me, but these parts of myself were not active in my job at all. And so it began: my side hustle as a life coach and writer. It marked the true start of the rest of my life. There was a gaping hole in making what’s become my life’s work a reality, and I had to fill it. Overnight, after I signed up for life coaching classes at New York University, I felt different. Let’s not overthink this. What’s missing can be found. It’s willing and waiting and wanting to be found. And fast. But no one else can help you harness your inner desires, because no one can feel them but you.

Remembering that you don’t need anyone else’s approval (and that no one else knows what they’re doing either!), answer this one question:

What’s missing, my friend?
So you don’t love your career — what’s missing?
So your relationship’s in a rut — what’s missing?
So you want to be closer with your distant sibling — what’s missing?
So you don’t feel energized most days — what’s missing?
So you feel life is passing you by versus really being lived by you — what’s missing?

I want to stress that this doesn’t have to be super serious or significant. You don’t have to start a side hustle or a charity, or save the world. As with Elle, the solution can be as simple as one night out a week with a pal.

Being in Harmony with Your Needs
Remember this truth: how you spend your days is a direct, honest reflection of your truest priorities. There are no exceptions to this.

Because finally taking that trip to France, making amends with a relative after years of conflict, or even enjoying a simple glass of Chardonnay with an uplifting friend on a Tuesday night might be the remedy that you need. And you want to be in harmony with your needs, not at war with them. Happiness cannot exist without harmony.

Doing new, hard things, from launching a business to stretching your body physically, is even easier when you can ask yourself this question:

Where’s the pressure for me to be perfect out of the gate at this new thing?

In. Your. Head.

I’m willing to be bad at rock-climbing, among other things — and have a blast nonetheless. Because it’s no one’s job to be good at everything. So you can resign from being perfect at any endeavor right now. Phew. You can relax! There’s nothing to prove. Remember, life is to be enjoyed, not endured.

Think for a moment: What is something you’re willing to be bad at? And why might that be good for you? Trying something new is good in and of itself, and while that particular thing may not be what’s missing in your life (rock-climbing in particular wasn’t necessarily missing from mine), it’s the fact that you’re trying something, stretching yourself, getting out of your comfort zone, and opening yourself up to finding what’s missing that matters. And that’s what doing something fun and new and challenging like going rock-climbing (if you’re not normally someone who does that!) can bring to you. Right now I’m psyched to have more nature and physical beauty as a part of my world.

Whatever you decide to try, doing your best is enough. And don’t let the world (or social media) fool you into thinking that fame, fortune, and the adoration of others is the answer to what’s missing. If that were true, rich and famous people would never kill themselves, when sadly, suicide is more common among celebrities than it is among many other populations.

So let’s relax into it, okay? This life thing is meant to be full and fun. The next time you don’t feel great, or you feel plain restless, ask yourself the delicious, curious question: What’s missing?

Think about it. Needy, unhappy, draining people rarely have questions. Because there’s no curiosity there! That’s not you. You have needs, yes, because you’re a human, but you’re not “needy” — because you don’t just want to complain about your needs. You’re curious and open and willing to satisfy them. That’s why you’re reading this book.

Remember, curiosity fuels wisdom. Even our sockless friend Albert Einstein said, “I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.”

There’s no pressure. The answers will present themselves when they’re met halfway with your willingness. Stop searching for a problem. When you search for problems, you’ll find one (or several) just because our brains like finding answers. Do yourself the favor of a lifetime and locate what’s missing instead. It’s a fun space to be filled as opposed to something terrible to be fixed. Then see what happens!

Because the authority in your life always knows how to fill that space once you pass her the mic. So pick it up, will ya?

Check this:
Complete the “What’s Missing for Me?” exercise. Freewrite!
Keep asking yourself, “What else?” Keep going until you’ve written it all out.
Take a few breaths, and review your list.
Take action on one thing this week that’s missing for you. And another the following. Journal on your emotions after taking the action and notice what arrives for you.
Let it be fun (and easy).

Susie Moore is the author of Stop Checking Your Likes and What If It Does Work Out? which was named by Entrepreneur as one of the “8 Business Books Entrepreneurs Must Read to Dominate Their Industry.” A former Silicon Valley sales director turned life coach, she has been featured on The Today Show, as well as in O Magazine, Business Insider, Forbes, Time, and Marie Claire. She lives in Miami, Florida with her husband Heath and their Yorkshire Terrier, Coconut. Find out more about her work at www.Susie-Moore.com.

Excerpted from the book Stop Checking Your Likes. Copyright ©2020 by Susie Moore. Printed with permission from New World Library.

My husband is police officer, and about eight months ago, he was assigned a new partner - an attractive single woman. (She got divorced about a year ago.) They work a late shift together, and spend a lot of time riding around in their patrol car. A few months ago, I started getting weird vibes about this situation. He is fond of her and tells me about these long, deep conversations they have. I was doing okay with it until I had a couple of run-ins with her, where she acted very different than she does when he is around. She made it quite clear to me that she is after my husband, and is pretty confident she's "winning" at this point. My feeling is that she might just win him in the short term, but later he would regret it. We have three kids and have had a good marriage. I'm very open with him and have told him all she's said to me, how I feel, etc., and he has a hard time believing it. I feel like he's gullible, she's conniving, and I may be in for a world of hurt if I don't handle this right. Since she's a cop, it's not like I can threaten to kick her butt! Any spiritual advice on how I can safeguard my marriage?

- Frannie

Dreamchaser:

First and foremost, Frannie, there is no spiritual trick to protecting your marriage. You said that you and your husband have a "good marriage." Happy men who are in love and have a "good marriage" do not have affairs.

I do feel that your husband is very close to his partner. However, people who are in partnership situations SHOULD develop a close bond. When I was a commercial diver, I was very close to my partner, who happened to be male. When he got involved in a serious relationship, I remained very close to him. His girlfriend often felt threatened by our bond, so I did what I could to alleviate her fears. I think that is the missing ingredient here with you - your husband's partner is doing nothing to alleviate your fears.

I don't want to in any way invalidate your feelings or undermine you. However, I don't feel that she did make it quite clear that she is after your husband and winning. Instead, you read that into her words and actions. When you told him what she was doing and he had a hard time believing it, it's because he knows you both. He knows how each of you think and act and how each of you talk, and he knows that she would never do such a thing.

Believe it or not, she is NOT after your husband. She considers him her best friend, and she can talk to him about everything. She can tell him anything. I think you should be grateful that she feels that way about him, because one day, he may just need her as back-up, and she may just save his life.

She is not the first woman that you thought was out to steal your husband. This has happened before, and he did not leave that time. He will not leave this time either.

I think the best thing you can do is just step up your "wifely" efforts. Be the best wife to him that you can be. Do not fake anything, and do not put on an act, but love him and be good to him and most of all, BELIEVE him. He is not looking to cheat on you or break up your marriage. He just has a great partnership with a new partner who happens to be a woman.

I also think that you need to look deep inside yourself to find out why you have these issues. I think a good place to start would be to buy a book called In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant. It is a workbook of sorts, so you are going to have to have a pad and paper ready to answer some questions about yourself. In this way, you can get to the roots of your insecurities and heal them and leave them behind.

Your husband is a good man and a good provider, and he loves you very much. Be good to him and believe what he says to you.

I wish you a long and happy marriage.

*****

Astrea:

That girl may think she's going to take your husband, but she is sadly mistaken. He knows that she's lonely and on the make.

To him she is no different than any partner he's had before. If you think back on the other partners he's had over the years, you'll realize he had long intimate talks with them too. They were probably men, however, so you didn't notice as much.

Didn't he talk about his favorite rookie he trained with equal fondness? What about that old guy who trained HIM? Your husband is a loving, caring, compassionate guy, but he's not about to be victimized by this twit!

The spiritual way to handle this predatory female is to turn the matter over to his Guardian Angels. Ask St. Michael to ride with them every evening as he goes to work. Get him a piece of rodachrosite to carry in his right pants pocket for general protection.

Ask the Archangel Gabriel to enlighten his thoughts so that he can't be victimized by deception. Ask all four Archangels to quiet your mind and keep you from worrying about this so you won't manifest it in some way.

Here is some practical advice too. The next time your husband starts going on and on about this girl, ask him what the morals clause in their law enforcement contract says about officers becoming overly involved with each other. In my own experience, police departments don't like that kind of thing. Don't be accusatory, just curious.

Also, while you can't outright "kick her butt," you can let others know that you know what she's doing. Fortunately, the timing is right, for she's ready to move on to her next victim. She has met enough resistance from you to give up on your husband and go after someone else.

Your husband is in a profession where he is allowed to have TWO life partners: a wife (you) and his partner at work. This new one just flatters him, flirts with him and strokes his ego. As upsetting as this is to you right now, you're not in trouble with your marriage.

He tells you everything they talk about and everything she says. You may think he doesn't believe you, but he knows better! He knows that she's "on the hunt" for someone to replace her former husband, and he would never betray you in that way.

He may talk like he likes her, but you're not married to a cheater! You have a great marriage with three fabulous children, and he is not going to jeopardize that.

Listen to what he tells you about her, and let him talk about her as much as he needs to. It's always better to be informed than to be in the dark. She's done this before, and she'll do it again. She's just been passing through your lives, that's all.