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An excerpt from Stop Checking Your Likes 
by Susie Moore

Now more than ever, we as a society are addicted to our phones. Even more so, we are addicted to getting “likes” on our social media posts — and it can work like an actual addiction in our brain chemistry, activating the ventral striatum part of our brains, which is the same area that lights up when we gamble, enjoy a slice of cake, or have sex. This helps explain why it is so easy to base our happiness and self-esteem on how many “likes” we get. But as so many of us know, getting love and approval from outside of ourselves is fleeting and soon we are picking up our phones again, searching for more approval. Author, life coach, and startup advisor Susie Moore is asking us to break free of the outside approval trap in favor of nourishing and loving ourselves. Stop Checking Your Likes: Shake Off the Need for Approval and Live an Incredible Life is not a self-help book, but a “sanity book,” showing a way out of the maze of likes and thumbs up, and showing the way back to ourselves.

We hope you enjoy this excerpt from the book.

Missing. It’s a good word. Too often, our brains skip over the idea that something is missing and just recognize something as being plain wrong instead. This keeps us stuck — and often in despair. As a result, “What’s missing?” is one of my favorite coaching questions to ask almost anyone.

Once I was coaching a lawyer named Elle who made great money and who seemed to have a nice family and a great life overall. She told me she was on antidepressants and couldn’t figure out why she felt so dissatisfied. Everything was “good enough,” so she felt guilty about her lack of joy. I asked, as most therapists and coaches would, “Well, what’s feels wrong? Or off  ? When did this all begin?”

When a doctor can’t identify an illness, they often will classify it as stress or depression. And then we leave the doctor’s office with prescriptions for drugs we don’t necessarily want or that aren’t genuinely a good fit for us. When I hear about this, it often reminds me of the words of the late dancer and musician Gabrielle Roth: “In many shamanic societies, if you came to a medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions:
When did you stop dancing?
When did you stop singing?
When did you stop being enchanted by stories?
When did you stop being comforted by the sweet territory of silence?”

For my client Elle, friends were missing. As part of the sandwich generation — taking care of her aging parents and her kids plus holding down a demanding job — she rarely saw her friends. Seeing friends regularly is a proven way to boost our spirits, lower cortisol, and even ease hypertension.

Just making the effort to reconnect with her girlfriends over sushi (or even a forty-five-minute glass of wine after work when that’s all she could squeeze into the calendar) lifted her up so much that her husband now encourages her to do it regularly. He sees a marked difference in her when she spends time with the women she loves. “They bring her back to herself,” he says.

That Missing Piece
On the path to satisfying your deep, personal desires — when things go wrong or feel off (and they will) — you can always ask, not what’s wrong, but what’s missing. I read this statement a long time ago, and it’s stuck with me ever since because it applies to nearly every problem.

When we think about what’s wrong, we panic. When we think about what’s missing, however, we become creative! It opens us up. We don’t have a stress response but a loving, open, innovative, even inventive response.

It’s a question that addresses the same issues — but with way more success. Do you see the giant distinction here? When my mom was fifty-five, she went to college to earn her diploma in childhood education. She had been a math teacher in Poland before she moved to England, and she missed working with children. But with English as her second language, and a strong Polish accent, she wasn’t confident enough to be a teacher in a new country. The woman earned a master’s degree from the University of Warsaw, which was almost impossible, especially for a woman, during the Communist regime after Hitler’s war.

After the years passed and her five daughters grew up, she went back to school. In an earlier chapter, I mentioned that these days, in her late seventies, she still works as a volunteer three days a week at a local school, where they call her Granny. But I didn’t mention that to get there, she had to get a whole new diploma in England in order to start working again and do what she loves. She encouraged the younger teachers, and as a woman living on her own, she cherished the connection to the community her job gave her, as well as the great contentment.

I respect this woman so much for knowing what was missing and having the courage — at age fifty-five — to join a classroom full of women less than half her age so she could pursue what she really wanted. She addressed what was missing. And it’s been paying off ever since.

When I felt down for a period in my adult life, I forgot to ask myself this question. I kept thinking instead, What’s wrong with me? I’d sit in my office during conference calls, gazing out the window at the New York City skyscrapers, and I’d constantly think, Is this all there is? The big buildings all around me felt like they were making it all worse — a ruthless reminder of other people’s manifestation of their big dreams, while I was listening to cheesy jazz on-hold music waiting for someone who was late (again).

One morning when I was at my corporate job in one of my on-rotation pencil skirts, I was sitting in my freezing office. Doused in artificial light as usual, I numbed my boredom by scouring Pinterest. I saw a pin that struck me, a quote from Mary Oliver: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

“Not this!” my soul screamed.

It was time to fill the hole left by what was missing. Deep down, I knew. I loved to write, and I loved to help other people work out their personal problems. These two skills came naturally to me, but these parts of myself were not active in my job at all. And so it began: my side hustle as a life coach and writer. It marked the true start of the rest of my life. There was a gaping hole in making what’s become my life’s work a reality, and I had to fill it. Overnight, after I signed up for life coaching classes at New York University, I felt different. Let’s not overthink this. What’s missing can be found. It’s willing and waiting and wanting to be found. And fast. But no one else can help you harness your inner desires, because no one can feel them but you.

Remembering that you don’t need anyone else’s approval (and that no one else knows what they’re doing either!), answer this one question:

What’s missing, my friend?
So you don’t love your career — what’s missing?
So your relationship’s in a rut — what’s missing?
So you want to be closer with your distant sibling — what’s missing?
So you don’t feel energized most days — what’s missing?
So you feel life is passing you by versus really being lived by you — what’s missing?

I want to stress that this doesn’t have to be super serious or significant. You don’t have to start a side hustle or a charity, or save the world. As with Elle, the solution can be as simple as one night out a week with a pal.

Being in Harmony with Your Needs
Remember this truth: how you spend your days is a direct, honest reflection of your truest priorities. There are no exceptions to this.

Because finally taking that trip to France, making amends with a relative after years of conflict, or even enjoying a simple glass of Chardonnay with an uplifting friend on a Tuesday night might be the remedy that you need. And you want to be in harmony with your needs, not at war with them. Happiness cannot exist without harmony.

Doing new, hard things, from launching a business to stretching your body physically, is even easier when you can ask yourself this question:

Where’s the pressure for me to be perfect out of the gate at this new thing?

In. Your. Head.

I’m willing to be bad at rock-climbing, among other things — and have a blast nonetheless. Because it’s no one’s job to be good at everything. So you can resign from being perfect at any endeavor right now. Phew. You can relax! There’s nothing to prove. Remember, life is to be enjoyed, not endured.

Think for a moment: What is something you’re willing to be bad at? And why might that be good for you? Trying something new is good in and of itself, and while that particular thing may not be what’s missing in your life (rock-climbing in particular wasn’t necessarily missing from mine), it’s the fact that you’re trying something, stretching yourself, getting out of your comfort zone, and opening yourself up to finding what’s missing that matters. And that’s what doing something fun and new and challenging like going rock-climbing (if you’re not normally someone who does that!) can bring to you. Right now I’m psyched to have more nature and physical beauty as a part of my world.

Whatever you decide to try, doing your best is enough. And don’t let the world (or social media) fool you into thinking that fame, fortune, and the adoration of others is the answer to what’s missing. If that were true, rich and famous people would never kill themselves, when sadly, suicide is more common among celebrities than it is among many other populations.

So let’s relax into it, okay? This life thing is meant to be full and fun. The next time you don’t feel great, or you feel plain restless, ask yourself the delicious, curious question: What’s missing?

Think about it. Needy, unhappy, draining people rarely have questions. Because there’s no curiosity there! That’s not you. You have needs, yes, because you’re a human, but you’re not “needy” — because you don’t just want to complain about your needs. You’re curious and open and willing to satisfy them. That’s why you’re reading this book.

Remember, curiosity fuels wisdom. Even our sockless friend Albert Einstein said, “I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.”

There’s no pressure. The answers will present themselves when they’re met halfway with your willingness. Stop searching for a problem. When you search for problems, you’ll find one (or several) just because our brains like finding answers. Do yourself the favor of a lifetime and locate what’s missing instead. It’s a fun space to be filled as opposed to something terrible to be fixed. Then see what happens!

Because the authority in your life always knows how to fill that space once you pass her the mic. So pick it up, will ya?

Check this:
Complete the “What’s Missing for Me?” exercise. Freewrite!
Keep asking yourself, “What else?” Keep going until you’ve written it all out.
Take a few breaths, and review your list.
Take action on one thing this week that’s missing for you. And another the following. Journal on your emotions after taking the action and notice what arrives for you.
Let it be fun (and easy).

Susie Moore is the author of Stop Checking Your Likes and What If It Does Work Out? which was named by Entrepreneur as one of the “8 Business Books Entrepreneurs Must Read to Dominate Their Industry.” A former Silicon Valley sales director turned life coach, she has been featured on The Today Show, as well as in O Magazine, Business Insider, Forbes, Time, and Marie Claire. She lives in Miami, Florida with her husband Heath and their Yorkshire Terrier, Coconut. Find out more about her work at www.Susie-Moore.com.

Excerpted from the book Stop Checking Your Likes. Copyright ©2020 by Susie Moore. Printed with permission from New World Library.

I'm having a hard time sorting out my feelings about marriage, and am wondering what you two think. What is your spiritual view of marriage? Do you think it's an outdated concept or an institution that works for some people and not for others? Of course, it's not something people should enter into lightly, but are there certain people who should avoid marriage all together? To prevent divorce, what do you think both partners should bring (or in some cases not bring) to a marriage to create a lasting partnership? Does Spirit have anything to say about marriage, why it seems to be a dwindling institution, and how it fits into the "New Age?" Thanks very much! - B.

Dreamchaser:

As my regular clients know, I am not married because I personally do not believe in marriage. I have studied this subject myself, however, so I will tell you what I learned.

There are all kinds of belief systems for all kinds of different nationalities or religions. For example, some Native American tribes used to believe that every year, couples should come together and decide if they wanted to stay together for another year or not. If they did not, they would simply gather their belongings and go back to their parents' tent. No big fuss was made about the decision.

As you know, Mormon men used to take multiple wives, as did other groups of people. We have all heard about harems in stories read to us when we were children. So our current beliefs about marriage are just that - our current beliefs. They don't necessarily reflect any divine or unchanging truth.

I personally believe that marriage is a completely outdated system. I think that since women can now work, vote, drive, pay our own bills, etc., we no longer need to marry for protection or to provide for our daily needs and personal care. We can take care of ourselves and do not NEED a husband anymore. Marriage arose the meet the needs of people living in social situations vastly different from the modern world.

If two people do choose to get married, they need two things, or the marriage will fail. They need to be willing to work HARD on the marriage on a daily basis with tools like listening, caring, thoughtfulness, putting the other before themselves, etc.

They also need to openly communicate. So many people do not know how to communicate before they get into a relationship. I always wonder how they think that any relationship will last if they can't communicate their needs, fears, desires, etc. When I talk to clients who are cheating in their relationship, the most common reason they give is, "We just do not communicate anymore" or "He/She does not really talk to me any more."

I do not think that Spirit has an opinion on marriage, since marriage is a human idea. I think Spirit will bring us love, and what we do with it is up to us. Spirit totally believes in LOVE - after all, "God" is love.

The New Age belief system is based on what is best for your personal soul. If you believe in marriage and want to experience it, then by all means, find the best partner for you and go at it. If you do not believe in marriage and would prefer to foster your own spiritual development in this life, then do that.

I wish you a happy relationship either with someone else or with yourself, whichever you choose.

*****

Astrea:

I believe marriage is a Holy Union between two people. People who get married should be prepared to live with one another for the rest of their lives and love each other as unconditionally as possible.

Some people are much better at this than others. I went through a few husbands before I found the right one, but once I did, I finally understood all that marriage can be. I think there are lots of people who will say that they didn't grasp the true value of marriage when they wed for the first, second, or even the third time, yet they continued to long for this union of Spirit and Body.

Besides, I need help around the house! I could take care of my life alone, but why should I when I can have this perfect, gorgeous, kind, gentle, intelligent man by my side? Grumpy has his moments, but for the most part, I FEEL HAPPY being married. I wouldn't feel this happy without someone to share my joy. I know myself: I need outside input just to know I'm not crazy, and I need it daily.

People who can't commit to one person for life should obviously avoid marriage altogether. That is a very simple statement that covers LOTS of ground, but if one marrying thinks even for a moment that he or she can't be faithful, that's the time to say "No." A person who knows himself will tell his partner if he isn't ready for marriage. Further, if a person can't be TOTALLY HONEST with her partner before she marries him, she shouldn't marry him at all.

I'm not saying you have to lose every bit of emotional baggage before getting married. Love can overcome a LOT of issues. In fact, love can overcome everything when it's real and true.

I'm not sure where you got the idea that marriage is a "dwindling institution." While lots of people divorce, the reason is simple: we're in too big a hurry to know what's going to happen in relationships; we want everything supposedly settled for good. I don't think marriage is going to disappear, however, for as long as people love one another, they're going to seek a committed union on paper and from God.

As for what Spirit says, I "hear" that it's unfortunate that everyone can't be legally married here in the U.S. Men and men, women and women - ALL OF US should be able to enjoy the benefits of marriage. Anyone who wants to join together with God to celebrate their union should be able to do so without fear of hatred and discrimination.

Spirit says the same thing about marriage as Spirit says about life, and that is that we're here to love one another, have a nice time, and work through our karma. As long as we meet each other with LOVE, we're on the right track.

Astrea:

Many times in life we hear, "You will always have what you NEED, but not necessarily what you WANT." Your spirit must have needed to experience the feeling of leaving your human body, and the suggestion in the next chapter of Sylvia Brown's book was all it took to get you there.

Even though you hadn't read it yet, your SOUL recognized the title of that chapter as something it had been seeking, and your soul, knowing that you had that reference to read after your experience, got with it and out you went!

While I don't usually recommend her books, Sylvia Brown has a wide reaching and powerful effect on lots of people. A Gemini like you would be able to relate easily to her writing and put it to good use. Synchronicity - you gotta love it!

I like your description of "getting caught." That's exactly what it feels like, isn't it? One minute you're free and hovering above the room, and the next minute, ZAP! back down into your corporeal form you go!

As a little kid, I loved that "feeling of return." With practice, most of the time we can control that event, but sometimes, when our physical ears hear a distracting noise or something else occurs to knock us back into reality, back we go. With practice you will be able to control your return better.

I find it interesting that you were visiting your mother-in-law and not someone in your own genetic family. Evidently, you and your husband got married for reasons that are even deeper than love. His family's interest in "psychic stuff" will nurture your children in such matters and help them to grow into their own abilities.

You'll never have to be concerned that when your daughter visits them, she'll be discouraged from exploring her own psychic life and power. My parents encouraged me to develop my psychic senses in a time when it wasn't nice to even discuss such things in public. Heck, it's STILL not considered a great topic at the dinner table in some families!

Your kids will get to talk about it ALL and ask questions and read and study. This is going to give them such an edge in life! Talk with your husband about how you want to present this to your kiddos, so that you are united in your approach and ready to tell them their experiences are all natural and okay.

A word or two of warning: Geminis often have difficulty staying grounded in REAL LIFE. Don't get so strung out on your ASTRAL life that you neglect what you're doing here on Earth.

You are at the beginning of a long journey to learn where your power really lies. Try to be patient with this process and take your time.