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My Search for Freedom, by Bob Delmer

(Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal.)

Bob is such a great, positive name. It's light and fun when compared to Robert or Jonathan or Donald. People even use it to describe something floating gently on the water, saying, for example, "Watch that duck bob on the ocean's waves."

When the events I'm going to describe took place my life had been anything but a gentle float on the waves of life. It had been more like an endless downward spiral. I think it started just as I was turning into an adult. I had a 4.0 grade-point average in high school. But something happened, and I barely graduated from college with a 2.0. I was probably lucky to get that.

I bummed around for another five years before I decided to really focus on my career, find a wife, and start a family. But the downward spiral held true. Over the past ten years I've held twelve different jobs. "Laid off." "Downsized." "Rightsized." It doesn't matter what they called it, I was fired. And those instances don't even count the times I was dismissed for getting into fights with co-workers who would do things that would just drive me crazy.

And with each loss of a job I felt my confidence slipping. Each new job resulted in a lower salary, sinking my feelings of self-worth even more. A wife and family? Not even close. I don't think I'd even had a girlfriend in the last six or eight months. Time just flies by when you are sinking lower and lower.

All this effected me physically, too. I weighed about forty pounds more than when I was in college and I would huff-and-puff going up even a small stairway. I coughed all the time and I seemed to be getting colds or sore throats about once a month.

In short, my life was a mess. So when I got laid off — again — I found myself wandering the streets of St. Joseph, just walking, feeling piteous and filled with rage. At about 11:00 p.m. I wandered into a coffee shop for a slice of apple pie and coffee.

THE GIFT

I took a drink of bitter and acidic black coffee. It would have tasted better with some cream and sugar, but it matched my mood, so I drank some more. The pie was... well... it was typical of what you would find at a cheap diner. Rather than eat it I cut it into pieces and played with it, feeling miserable and sorry for myself.

Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Yes?" I said, turning to see who had accosted me. It was a man of about 60 who was all smiles. He looked like he would be light on his toes and was so filled with energy that he seemed to be glowing. His eyes sparkled and he was obviously very happy. Considering my mood, if I had been a violent person I would have killed him right there for daring to interrupt my pity party.

"What's your name?" he asked. I could hear the energy and strength in his voice.

"Uh...Bob." I replied only because I had no reason not to. If he started to talk about some multi-level marketing scheme I knew I would be able to hurt him even if I couldn't kill him. Thankfully, he didn't.

"I saw you from my table. I thought you might need this." He put a bag down on the table and picked up my check.

"Wait," I said. "Who are you? What's this about?"

"You'll see," he said, his back to me as he paid for my snack and walked out the door.

It was several seconds before I was able to realize what happened and close my mouth, which had been hanging open. Was this guy some sort of a "nut job," or was he trying to sell me something?

I looked back at the bag he had left and pulled out the contents. It was a book called Freedom From the Ties that Bind by Guy Finley. "What is this?" I wondered. I looked at the title page and saw that someone, maybe the man who had left it for me, had scribbled a message there. It read:"No money. No tricks. Just read this book. You need it."

I got up and looked out the door of the diner. The man was definitely gone. I went back to my chair and started looking at the book. On the back cover it said, "Imagine finding an inexhaustible source of strength within that allows you to leave all self-punishing patterns behind. Imagine having the power to choose the life you really want, and to know that you won't have to go through this life alone." Again my mouth dropped open in surprise. I wondered if that man had been reading my mind.

The back cover went on to say that the book "...reveals hundreds of breakthrough secrets of self-liberation that show you exactly how to be fully independent and free of any unhappy condition. Even the most difficult people won't be able to try your temper or get you flustered. You'll feel anxieties and doubts about your future fade away. And you'll enjoy solid, meaningful relationships based on your conscious choices rather than self-defeating compromises."

Now, I know that the words on the covers of books are intended to encourage people to buy them, but I got the distinct impression that this book was written especially for me. And even if it wasn't, somehow the man who paid for my coffee and pie knew that I needed it.

After a day of walking around and punishing myself, I decided to do two things. First, I would go home and get a good night's sleep, and second, I would study this book tomorrow.

REVELATIONS

The next morning I made some coffee and sat down with the book. The first paragraph of the book floored me. It read, "What if you knew that everything was all right, right now? Isn't this what you really want? When you face the sun, the shadows are at your back, so what if the only reason your life isn't going as well as you would like is because you've been searching for the sunrise while facing west?!" (p.ix)

This was the first revelation I received from the book. All along, I had been blaming my problems on others—bad teachers, bad jobs, bad co-workers, bad bosses, women not looking for relationships, and so on. It had always been someone else's fault. Now, this book was claiming that my situation wasn't caused by all those other people, it was caused by me! I was responsible for what was happening to me.

"Okay," I thought. "What should I do about this?" The answer came on the next page. It says that in this book I'll learn "...the sense—and sanity—in doing nothing! Imagine: you'll learn to not respond to the call to action that's kept you running in circles up till now.

"The thought in your mind now is, 'What do you mean, "do nothing"?! I have too much to do; I'll never catch up! Besides, I'm not lazy; I'm a doer! If I don't do it all, who will? If I don't keep up the pace, I'll fall behind—and then where will I be?' And the answer is: you'll be off the treadmill and out of the rat race. From this new vantage point on the sidelines you'll gain a true view of your life and events. From this solid ground you'll reap your heart's desires." (p. x-xi)

My breath, now, was coming in rapid pants and I was trembling with excitement. These few words had made me realize that the "ties that bind" are things that I was doing to myself. The only way I was going to come out of this downward spiral was to start thinking and acting in ways that were different from my past. I had a feeling that this book would help me in that quest.

SELF-OBSERVATION

I thumbed through the book, looking for practical ideas. I read this practice: "Become aware, right now, without thinking about it, that you are thinking. See that there are thoughts and feelings coursing through you. As you watch their movements, be their silent witness. Just observe...[A]ssume no position on the thoughts and feelings you see moving through you. Don't put yourself on either side of any thought's content. In other words, be neither for nor against any thought with any other thought." (p.44-45)

Well, that sounded weird. But I decided I'd give it a try and see what happened. I shook my body a bit and got comfortable, then I took a deep breath and let it out. I was feeling hungry. I was feeling alert. I was having thoughts about the feelings. I realized that these thoughts and feelings were not "me," they were simply something I was experiencing. I was not my thoughts or feelings, but I could choose to act on them if I wished to do so.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, I remembered an old co-worker who had treated me badly. I felt angry and could feel the rage surge through me.

I came out of my reverie wondering what this proved. The book continued: "If you can't see some thought or feeling as it goes through you, then you don't have the choice whether to be that thought or feeling..." (p.45)

And finally, it made sense. Merely because my co-worker had treated me badly didn't mean I had to get angry. Merely because I was angry didn't mean I had to get into a screaming argument with him, like the argument that ended up getting me fired. I could have simply recognized my anger and its cause and "done nothing." If I had followed that pattern I would still have my job.

"But the guy had insulted me and my work," I thought. "Should I have just taken it? He would have moved ahead and I would have been left behind simply because he had not told the truth." And then I laughed. So when the layoffs came, my reaction based on anger had resulted in me being sacked while he was still there. I might have done better if I had...done nothing.

THIRTY KEYS

For the next several days I did three things. First, I started looking for a new job. Second, I continued practicing the simple technique of self-observation. And third, I continued to read Freedom From the Ties that Bind.

Toward the end of the book, there is a section called "Thirty Keys to Change Your Destiny." They ended up changing my life.

The first key read, "Step out of the rush and into your own life." (p.161) This started me considering what I wanted for my own life. I sat down and wrote out a short list of the things I really wanted. A family. Enough money to support a family. Time with my family. Then I looked at the job offers in the paper that I had circled. Fully half of them didn't pay enough or would have required too much time. I didn't have to settle. I crossed those off my list.

The fifth key read: "Go beyond the best that you think you can." (p.162). I had circled several of what I had called my "if only" jobs. They were ones that sounded great "if only" I possessed all of the qualifications requested in the ad. But they were the ones that were the best. They were forward-looking. I crossed out all of the others.

The ninth key was "Face those fearful feelings." (p.163) Money was getting low and I really needed a job. Should I waste my time going to interviews for jobs where I didn't have all of the desired qualifications? I was afraid of doing it. As an insight into this key the book reveals that, "Any weakness faced by looking in this new direction becomes the foundation of a new strength. Face those fearful feelings. Fearlessness follows." (p.163)

I started to laugh. Why was I afraid? The worst they would do is throw out my resumé. I sent out seven resumés that afternoon.

Within two weeks I had heard back from two of the companies and arranged interviews with them. Each of them told me that although I didn't have all of the qualifications I was better qualified than any of the other applicants and, if I got the position, they were willing to train me! I ended up having two job offers with higher salaries—much higher—than I had ever had in my life. But which one should I choose?

Freedom From the Ties that Bind had given me such good advice that I went back to it. Key 16 said that "Now is always the time to: Follow what you love." And that's what I did. I chose the job that gave me a future doing what I wanted, working with finance in big business.

EPILOGUE

Although I didn't list all of the keys here, I have been following them all. In fact, I find that for me it's good to read Freedom From the Ties that Bind every other month or so to refresh my memory of how to be free of my old way of thinking and acting, the ties that bound me to an unhappy past. I always seem to learn something new, too.

That was two years ago. In that time I've received training at my job and three raises. The people at work like me and I get along so well with co-workers, even the rotten ones, that I have more friends than I know what to do with. I'm healthier than I've been in years and lost thirty pounds without doing anything or even thinking about it. Sara, my girlfriend (we've been together for almost a year, now), helped me choose a wonderful new house, which I purchased. I think she's hoping I'll ask her to marry me so we can have a reason for decorating the "extra" room in pink or blue. I don't think she knows that I already have a ring and I'm going to propose on her birthday next week.

I told her about the book and the changes I've been through, and now she's read it, too. About once a month I go out, late at night, with a copy of Freedom From the Ties that Bind placed discreetly in a plain bag under my arm. I go to coffee shops that are open and look for someone sitting alone at the counter who looks angry and bitter. I go up, tap him or her on the shoulder, and say, "I thought you might need this." Then I give him or her the bag with the book, pay their bill, and leave. I hope they see the feeling of joy I have now. I hope it helps.

Editor's note: All quotes used by permission.

Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal. Copyright Llewellyn Worldwide, 2001. All rights reserved.

I had a disturbing dream that I hope you can help me interpret. I dreamed that my husband went missing for a few days, and then he was found dead. He had committed suicide by jumping off a cliff. I didn't find him but I was called to identify him. He was lying face down in a pool of water and long grass. He still had his work uniform on, and this detail really stood out from the others. My father-in-law was in the dream too; he was the one who phoned to let me know that my husband had been found dead. I remember this dream as clear as day. I woke up in the middle of the night in lots of tears. My husband and I did have a big argument before we went to bed that night; I'm not sure if that had something to do with the dream. Thanks!

Rachael

Astrea:

Death in a dream rarely means death. In most dreams, death signifies change or a need for change. Dreams prepare us for our destinies. Often the object of a dream (in this case your husband) can represent a different person or the need to take a new and different attitude about something. Like the Death Card in Tarot, it represents spiritual awakening or a change of mind or circumstances.

It certainly isn't unusual to dream of the demise of someone after we've had an argument with them. Our subconscious minds can find all sorts of ways to bump someone off who annoyed us right before we fell asleep.

Dreaming of your husband committing suicide is unsettling, but since you had an argument that night, it's not surprising. In your dream, you wanted extreme change to happen, but you didn't want to be responsible for causing that change, so he killed himself instead of you taking bold action.

From your description of your dream and your reaction to it, my guess is that you argued about money and/or other material things. When we dream of a death after an argument with someone, it often indicates that person is being inflexible abut financial matters.

In your dream, your husband leaves you in the most terrible, irreversible way possible. This is even worse than being abandoned, for you are left behind to deal with and take over every aspect of your shared lives forever. You felt abandoned after your disagreement, and your subconscious mind came up with this dramatic symbol for how you were feeling.

When we're upset, it's common to dream of abandonment in various ways. In lighter dreams, we may get lost from one another, while in heavier dreams, death is a powerful symbol for our intense emotions.

In your case, I think your Guides and Angels were giving you one of those It's a Wonderful Life experiences via your dream. You were seeing what your life might be like without your husband in it. This was to make you appreciate what you have with him more, not to frighten you. This dream was designed to make you more tolerant of him in the future.

I don't think your husband is planning on checking out on you that way or dying anytime soon, so I doubt you have to worry about that. You seem to have a strong, well-developed personality, so I have to assume he does too and that your argument was just a bump in the road of marriage.

He needs to listen to your opinion more and keep a more open mind. You need to be more patient when you explain your views to him. Those are the changes your dream was trying to indicate to you.

*****

Susyn:

Our dreams are where we work out our greatest fears. They also lead us beyond our anger or upset to the truth of how we really feel. In this case, it seems your subconscious was responding to how angry you were about the argument by illuminating how important your husband is to you. The fact that he was found dead, presumably by his own hand, suggests that he too may have been upset by the argument.

I do not believe this dream was a premonition or a harbinger of things that will actually come to pass. Instead, I feel the events in the dream are symbolic of other issues.

You do not go into detail about the nature of the argument you two had, but if it was work or money-related, that could explain why your husband was found in his work uniform and why this stood out to you in the dream. You might have felt he was not living up to his potential at work or that he was taking actions that might actually cost him his job, hence the appearance that his death was caused by his own choices.

This dream might also be a sign that your husband needs to change jobs. The demands of his current job may be too much, and could be contributing to the arguments the two of you are having.

Your father-in-law's presence in the dream speaks to family ties. It could be that you are noticing a lot of similarities between father and son.

Upon closer investigation, some of the images in your dream might reveal certain aspects of your husband or your life together that only you would be able to connect. You may want to write this dream (and others of this nature) down in more detail. Then you can look at each aspect of the dream as a separate factor and try to connect it to circumstances in your life. When you make those associations, you may then be better able to interpret the dream as a whole.

Keep in mind that our dreams fulfill a wonderful purpose in that they can alert us to deeper feelings, troubles or concerns we have been unable to address consciously. Because the two of you argued before you had the dream, this could be the reason it seemed so intense, and why it continues to linger in your mind.

I'm sure that once you awoke, you discovered your feelings of anger had dissipated and the two of you made up, which could have been the greater purpose of this dream. Also, if you feel that certain aspects of his work ethics or job need to be addressed, you'll be able to see what they are more clearly now, and help him make some important changes.

Astrea:

Many times in life we hear, "You will always have what you NEED, but not necessarily what you WANT." Your spirit must have needed to experience the feeling of leaving your human body, and the suggestion in the next chapter of Sylvia Brown's book was all it took to get you there.

Even though you hadn't read it yet, your SOUL recognized the title of that chapter as something it had been seeking, and your soul, knowing that you had that reference to read after your experience, got with it and out you went!

While I don't usually recommend her books, Sylvia Brown has a wide reaching and powerful effect on lots of people. A Gemini like you would be able to relate easily to her writing and put it to good use. Synchronicity - you gotta love it!

I like your description of "getting caught." That's exactly what it feels like, isn't it? One minute you're free and hovering above the room, and the next minute, ZAP! back down into your corporeal form you go!

As a little kid, I loved that "feeling of return." With practice, most of the time we can control that event, but sometimes, when our physical ears hear a distracting noise or something else occurs to knock us back into reality, back we go. With practice you will be able to control your return better.

I find it interesting that you were visiting your mother-in-law and not someone in your own genetic family. Evidently, you and your husband got married for reasons that are even deeper than love. His family's interest in "psychic stuff" will nurture your children in such matters and help them to grow into their own abilities.

You'll never have to be concerned that when your daughter visits them, she'll be discouraged from exploring her own psychic life and power. My parents encouraged me to develop my psychic senses in a time when it wasn't nice to even discuss such things in public. Heck, it's STILL not considered a great topic at the dinner table in some families!

Your kids will get to talk about it ALL and ask questions and read and study. This is going to give them such an edge in life! Talk with your husband about how you want to present this to your kiddos, so that you are united in your approach and ready to tell them their experiences are all natural and okay.

A word or two of warning: Geminis often have difficulty staying grounded in REAL LIFE. Don't get so strung out on your ASTRAL life that you neglect what you're doing here on Earth.

You are at the beginning of a long journey to learn where your power really lies. Try to be patient with this process and take your time.