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Elevating Sex into Authentic Soul Union
An Excerpt from Holy Love by Elisa Romeo, MFT, and Adam Foley

Most people believe sex begins in the bedroom, but sex begins with the energetic relationship we cultivate in our daily lives. Soul sex doesn’t start when he leans forward to kiss her but when he takes out the trash. Soul sex is not initiated when she takes off her clothes but when she lights up as he walks through the door. Talking, sitting together in silence, and going for a walk can all be forms of energetic preparation for Soul sex. Any activity can set the energetic mood, so to speak, if we are present, intimate, and in a state of unconditional love together. This may sound simple enough, yet couples rarely are emotionally available to bask in a state of absolute acceptance and unconditionality. If we cannot reach this state in our daily lives, we certainly cannot attain it in the bedroom. But we can build up to this state of being through what we like to call unconditional foreplay.

Unconditional foreplay consists of daily acts, no matter how small, done with pure love. These acts show our partners — and convince their nervous system — that they are safe and cared for. These small, yet powerful, loving acts slowly permit our partner to enter a state of receiving true love. Our acts of love are defined, not by what we do, but by how we do them.

What may look externally like an unconditional act may in truth be conditional. If we are motivated by codependency, needing approval or seeking an emotional reward from our partner, our action remains conditional, and so does our sex. The difference has everything to do with intention, with the energy underlying the act. For instance, if we buy flowers for our partner because we are motivated by the desire for approval, it is a conditional (or inherently fear-based) act. We are giving them a gift in exchange for affection; it is an attempt to purchase love. We may even get upset with our partner if they do not like the flowers or they do not give us the egoic validation we want. Conditional love has rules and expectations.

But this same act, while looking identical on the outside, can also be motivated by Soul’s unadulterated love. In unconditional acts, we celebrate our love. We do not ask our partners to be personal stewards of approval; rather, we give love freely. We do not love our partners merely because they make us feel good but because we see and champion the unique beauty of their Souls. In unconditional relationship we do not addictively chase a particular feeling but rejoice in another’s simple existence. We do not attempt to control our partner’s feelings so that we feel better ourselves; we simply love, endlessly.

If we want to elevate sex into authentic Soul union, we must start by living authentically, as Soul, in daily relationship. Our sexual issues of disconnection do not originate or heal in the bedroom but in the daily minutiae of our lives. If we want Holy Love to visit us in bed, we must nurture it outside of the bedroom. Couples often live in an ego-to-ego relationship all day long and then feel disappointed when they don’t have meaningful, mind-blowing sex at night. This leads couples to assume they have physical intimacy issues when in truth their discord is a result of avoiding emotional intimacy in their everyday interactions. The old Zen saying “How you do one thing is how you do everything” teaches us to be mindful of how we show up in all areas of our lives. If, at 5 p.m., we ask our partner in a rushed and urgent manner about the details of the bank account, at 10 p.m. the bedroom vibe will most likely be rushed and urgent. To enter an unconditional state of union, we must use spiritual information paired with real-world action.

Many of us have blocks to receiving Holy Love, especially if we were neglected, abandoned, or rejected in relationships before. Daily acts of unconditional love allow even the deepest wounds of intimacy to heal. Such acts calm our base emotional needs — such as the need for safety — while bringing down to earth the spiritual potential of Holy Love. The result is a mutual spiritual trust that deepens over time. In the words of the famed theologian Beatrice Bruteau, “Love seeks the ultimately real.” This real truth is found, Bruteau writes, by “an outflowing action of loving another person.” When we create the environment of love within our relationships, we open space for the Soul to come forth.

We do not necessarily need unconditional foreplay to have Soul sex. At times Soul may possess us with love. Soul may find a window in which our wounds are not triggered, anxiety is low, and hearts are open. But these moments are dependent on circumstance. If we wish to have a conscious and regular practice of Soul sex, we must begin by implementing loving actions in our relationship. When we see through the eyes of Soul in intimate relationship, every action (or lack of action) carries weight. Every act in relationships is either spiritual foreplay (increasing the ability to receive unconditionality) or distancing (increasing the belief in conditionality). From this vantage point, any time spent together becomes an opportunity for unconditional foreplay.

Elisa Romeo, MFT, and Adam Foley are the authors of Holy Love: The Essential Guide to Soul-Fulfilling Relationships and cohosts of the Holy & Human Podcast.  Together, they help individuals awaken and deepen their soulful nature within relationship. Visit them online at holyandhuman.com.

Excerpted from the book from Holy Love: The Essential Guide to Soul-Fulfilling Relationships. Copyright ©2022 by Elisa Romeo, MFT, and Adam Foley. Printed with permission from New World Library.

I grew up with cats, so I'm familiar with their behavior in general. For the past three years or so, I've had a cat that is unlike any other cat I've ever met. She meows constantly, seems very restless, and does other strange things like she's trying to communicate with me. For example, it's like she will do tricks for me to try to get my attention. She'll roll over on her back, stare back up at me, and when I look at her, she'll flip over, stand up and start meowing earnestly again. Recently a friend met her for the first time, saw all of this, and announced, That cat was definitely human in a past life! Do you think that's possible? Can we be reborn as animals? If so, is my cat a tortured human who is trapped in a cat's body and trying desperately to tell someone who she really is? I love your column!

- Jess

Dreamchaser:

Many people assume that humans can become animals, but it just doesn't happen. Humans have never and will never incarnate into the body of an animal. Animals evolve and become humans, but the reverse is never true.

Just because your cat can communicate this way doesn't mean she was human - it just means she is very smart! She is a thinking, living being and has learned how to get you to pay attention. I can understand why your friend would make a comment like that about your cat, because she does seem to be so much more interactive than most cats.

Your pet is what witches of old called a familiar. A familiar is a spirit in the form of a cat. Your cat is your living animal totem. She's there to help you with big decisions, emotional dilemmas, and sticky situations. She's also there to bring you joy and make you laugh.

When you're feeling bad, she will come over to you, lay near you, suck up your negativity and go lay down somewhere and sleep it off. That is what she and many other cats do for their life's work. She is a fabulous friend and a very helpful teacher.

You need to learn to listen to her. I have found the best way to hear an animal is to put at least one of my hands on the animal's back or side to let the animal know, I am here. Get quiet and I will listen. Then I usually close my eyes or look into the animal's eyes (most cats do not like this), and just listen to the thoughts that enter my head.

That is how all guides speak to us - they use our own thoughts to communicate what we need to hear. When she starts acting up to get your attention, she has something she really wants or needs to say.

Cats and dogs are obviously the most available animal totems people might have as pets. They are so common that they are often overlooked as the great teachers they are. Cats teach us about things like independence, how to bounce back after hardships, unpredictability, curiosity, healing, cleverness, love, and the ability to fight when cornered.

They also show us how to meditate. I don't know about you, but if I'm lying down and one of my cats comes and lies down beside me, that purring puts me into a very deep trance.

Your cat is a special being sent to you by Spirit for you to have as a helper, teacher, guide and friend. Pay attention to her - she is very wise.

I wish you and your cat purr-fectly happy and fulfilling lives!

*****

Astrea:

I have several cats who exhibit this exact same behavior!

Your kitty is not a human trapped in a cat's body. Of that I'm sure, as animals don't incarnate as human beings. I've never known a human who was an animal before, or an animal who was a human before. In my opinion, it's impossible.

When we were little, our parents might have said, Be careful or you'll come back as a WORM! but it doesn't happen that way. Humans are humans, and cats are cats.

Of course, since my opinion is just my opinion, I took your question to some experts. I discussed the matter with Mars, my big orange Tabby, and he says he would NEVER reincarnate as a human with only one life, and that no other self-respecting feline would either.

Little Schmetz, our baby black kitty, says that he's looking forward to experiencing all nine of his lives. (I hate to inform him that because he was an impound cat, a couple of those have already been spent!)

Trixie, the most human-acting of the bunch, says With nine lives of my own, what good would one human incarnation do me? I agree. It doesn't seem like a very good trade to be human and not a cat in my house!

To them, it's better to be a cat instead of a silly human. I'm reminded of a sign I saw at my vet's one time: Dogs have masters. Cats have staff!

We have a different thought process than our animal friends. We have moral judgement and free will. Those two things are uniquely human - our darling pets don't possess those qualities.

We may personify their actions, and they may seem human, but that just comes from paying attention to the kinds of things that please us, that get our attention or the response they're looking for.

They want us to be happy, and they want food and a nice place to stay. Beyond that, they're cats. They'll hunt and stalk and eat and sleep and sleep and sleep. I believe they love us, but there are people who would argue even THAT point with you.

Highly evolved animals can seem very human, and they can love us and share our love with others. As human as they may seem, however, they're only our animal companions and pets.

That doesn't mean, however, that they can't communicate with us! Mine talk to me. In my dreams, they even speak to me in words sometimes. The ones who have crossed over visit me in dreams too, and they assure me they're waiting for me on the other side.

I love them and like to believe that they think like I do too, because then they seem like even greater companions.

Astrea:

Many times in life we hear, "You will always have what you NEED, but not necessarily what you WANT." Your spirit must have needed to experience the feeling of leaving your human body, and the suggestion in the next chapter of Sylvia Brown's book was all it took to get you there.

Even though you hadn't read it yet, your SOUL recognized the title of that chapter as something it had been seeking, and your soul, knowing that you had that reference to read after your experience, got with it and out you went!

While I don't usually recommend her books, Sylvia Brown has a wide reaching and powerful effect on lots of people. A Gemini like you would be able to relate easily to her writing and put it to good use. Synchronicity - you gotta love it!

I like your description of "getting caught." That's exactly what it feels like, isn't it? One minute you're free and hovering above the room, and the next minute, ZAP! back down into your corporeal form you go!

As a little kid, I loved that "feeling of return." With practice, most of the time we can control that event, but sometimes, when our physical ears hear a distracting noise or something else occurs to knock us back into reality, back we go. With practice you will be able to control your return better.

I find it interesting that you were visiting your mother-in-law and not someone in your own genetic family. Evidently, you and your husband got married for reasons that are even deeper than love. His family's interest in "psychic stuff" will nurture your children in such matters and help them to grow into their own abilities.

You'll never have to be concerned that when your daughter visits them, she'll be discouraged from exploring her own psychic life and power. My parents encouraged me to develop my psychic senses in a time when it wasn't nice to even discuss such things in public. Heck, it's STILL not considered a great topic at the dinner table in some families!

Your kids will get to talk about it ALL and ask questions and read and study. This is going to give them such an edge in life! Talk with your husband about how you want to present this to your kiddos, so that you are united in your approach and ready to tell them their experiences are all natural and okay.

A word or two of warning: Geminis often have difficulty staying grounded in REAL LIFE. Don't get so strung out on your ASTRAL life that you neglect what you're doing here on Earth.

You are at the beginning of a long journey to learn where your power really lies. Try to be patient with this process and take your time.