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5 Peculiar Secrets to Self Love, by Tess Whitehurst

(Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal.)

Self-love—you hear about it all the time, but what is it, really?

It's not having a high opinion of your abilities. That's self-esteem.

It's not giving yourself a hug when you feel stressed. That's self-kindness.

It's not taking time for a pedicure. That's self-care.

Self-esteem and self-kindness and self-care are just fine. They're great, actually. But they aren't the same thing as self-love.

Self-love is actually just what it sounds like. It's love…for your self.

But for some reason it's easier to consider what love is when you think about someone other than yourself. Your cat, say. Or your grandma. Or maybe your baby. Basically anyone you absolutely, positively, unquestioningly love. Do you know you love them because you have a high opinion of their talents? Do you know you love them because you gave them a hug? Do know you love them because you filed their toenails?

No. You know you love them because love is a powerful thing and there's nothing else like it. You see your loved one, and you connect with their eternal, worthy, adorable self. You feel expanded and uplifted when you're around them. You wish with your whole heart that they could always know their own inherent worth. You would drive into a 0% contained wildfire to save them. It's not because they're perfect, or even exceptional in any particular way. It's because…you love them.

Now turn that lens around. Imagine feeling that way about yourself.

That's self-love.

Now that we've identified it, how do we live it? Here’s how: we open our hearts to ourselves wider and wider over time. First the self-love shows up as a trickle. Then it might sputter a bit. Over time, it becomes a creek, and then a river, rainstorm, waterfall, and flood, and then eventually we get in touch with our self-love's ancient and eternal depths and it becomes the ocean.

Here are some strange and unexpected ways you can begin to open the floodgates.

1. Forget About Being Awesome.
   Let's revisit the example above: the person or animal you love. They might be amazingly awesome in certain ways. In fact, they almost definitely are. But that's not why you love them. And you would never, ever want them to feel like they had to be awesome in any particular way in order to deserve your love—or anyone else's, for that matter.So, stop demanding awesomeness of yourself as a prerequisite to self-love.

   This is not to say that you aren't awesome. I'm sure you are. But that's not what makes you worthy of love. Your lack of awesomeness in a particular area is not exactly a reason to love yourself, but it can be a portal into self-love.

   For example:

   • Do you act awkward on first dates? If the main character of a movie had that same tendency, you'd love her for it. Why not love yourself for it, too?
   • Do you panic whenever you need to parallel park in a pinch? Next time that happens, think of it as an opportunity to have compassion with yourself for being an imperfect human, doing her best.
   • How often do you cook up a meal only to realize you forgot an ingredient or left it in the oven too long? Or maybe you never cook up any meals at all. Either way: so relatable! Everyone else loves you for it—why can't you love yourself?
2. Eat Whatever You Want All the Time.
   Did you read that right? Did I mean to write, "Eat Whatever You Want…All The Time??Yes, ma'am. Alllllllllllll the time. As in, wake up, eat what you want. Then keep doing that all day. What if you wake up in the middle of the night and you're hungry? Eat! Whatever you want! And keep eating it until you don't want it anymore. If you haven't been initiated into the intuitive eating movement yet, that all sounds like crazy talk. I know. I know because that's exactly how it would have sounded to me before I learned that once you start eating what you want all the time, and then you stick to it, your cravings and desires start to even out. Your body starts to trust you to feed it what it wants when it needs to eat. So then it doesn't ask for chocolate or Fritos or birthday cake during every waking hour. It asks for those things sometimes, but other times it asks for green smoothies, grapes, salad, almond milk yogurt, or fire-roasted peppers and steamed kale over quinoa.

   But the best thing about intuitive eating? You don't have to obsess about food anymore. It's there when you want it. So when you don't want it, you know you don't want it, and you can concentrate on other things—like writing your romance novel or talking to your nephew about his new video game or watching the sunrise with your best friend…And loving yourself, exactly as you are—which includes letting your body be the exact size and shape it wants to be. (Which, spoiler alert, probably doesn't match the Photoshopped #fitspiration bodies on Instagram. And if having that sort of body involves obsessing about food all day? Then who needs it, honestly.)

3. What Random Person Annoys You? Investigate.
   Is there someone you secretly can't stand, and you don't know exactly why? Or maybe you do know why, but your annoyance seems a little disproportionate? Like, why on earth do I care so much? We're not talking about jealousy here (because we're talking about that below). We're talking about someone irritating you like an emotional mosquito bite.Here's your mission: figure it out. What exactly is it that bugs you? Describe it. Is she full of herself? Does he act entitled? Do they use figures of speech that irk you? What?

   Then, ask yourself: what if I let myself be that way? Just a little bit? Would it be fun? Could it be fun? What would it look like?

   Often those odd little inexplicable annoyances are pointing to something in your own personality that you haven't previously been willing to claim. Maybe you wish you could be a little more "full of yourself." Maybe you'd love to believe you were "entitled." Maybe you secretly desire to use trendy little slang expressions or just to be a little less strait-laced with your communication style.

   This is a way of getting to know yourself better. And to know you is to love you.

4. Name Your Inner Critic. Mine's Called Chad.
   Actually, my inner critic isn't called Chad anymore. The critical voice in my head used to appear as a sort of rapey party dude named Chad who had a lot of super rude opinions about my body and appearance. But after giving Chad a name and imagining him as a character, I realized I didn't really value his opinion, and he eventually disappeared. I still have an inner critic show up sometimes, but it's not the same guy.The point is, by naming the inner voices that speak negatively to you, you gain power over them. They don't seem so omniscient or omnipotent. You can be like, "You are so creepy! Why should I care what you think?" Or, depending on how your inner critic shows up and what they say to you, there may be other ways you can work with them to diminish their power to bring you down or keep you small.
5. Admit It: You're Jealous. But of Whom? Discuss.
   We don't like to admit to jealousy. It's not an attractive or elegant emotion to have. Nevertheless, most of us are at least a little jealous of someone. Or, more often, more than one someone.What's fun about jealousy is that it almost always holds the key to one or more positive qualities we already have but don't realize we have. Or possibly choices we wish we could make, but haven't yet. For example, if you have a natural talent for comedy, but you never tell jokes, you might be wildly jealous of the funniest guy you know. He might tell a joke and while everyone else is laughing, you're wondering what the hell everyone thinks is so funny. Or, maybe you've always wished you could explore the world, but instead you went to college and then immediately entered the workforce and had some kids. Your adventurous friend might light up the jealousy center in your brain whenever you scroll past another goddamn picture of her smiling in Rome or Amsterdam or Dubai.

   So, what is it? What part of you is asking to be seen, acknowledged, and set free? And how can you go ahead and let yourself out of that cage? By telling a joke or two? By planning a modest trip (it doesn't have to be Dubai)? Or what?

   Freeing yourself to be even more of yourself is an act of both giving and receiving love. To yourself.

Remember, opening up to loving yourself isn't a switch you flip. It's an emotional flow that becomes more and more robust over time. Choose to see yourself through eyes of love and take weird little steps like the ones above. In time, your drippy little faucet of self-love will be as wide and as deep as the sea.

Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal. Copyright Llewellyn Worldwide, 2021. All rights reserved.

I'm writing to try to figure out why I have such strong feelings of attraction for my nephew. I think they are too strong, and I feel very wrong and guilty about them. He is 38 years old and I'm in my fifties. I recently saw him after not seeing him for many years, and this sense of connection hit me right away. What's going on? I feel wrong and unsure of how to handle my feelings. I don't think he knows how I feel. He respects me as his aunt. He trusts me and opens up to me about his life and problems. I don't know what to think or how to feel, and am wondering if these deep feelings stem from a past life. Thank you!

J.

Astrea:

Of course you knew each other in a past incarnation. You have probably been together in a number of lives and in several different types of relationships. He is your nephew now, but he could have been your father, brother, lover or friend before. He could have even been your mother or your sister. Your souls bonded in those other times.

This emotional confusion is a natural part of the life experience with Old Souls. Old couples return as twins, as man and wife, and in other relationships too, for they always seek to reconnect with each other in whatever way they can.

Even though you might think your feelings for your nephew are wrong or inappropriate, with time and some healing, you'll be just fine. These feelings are upsetting you because they aren't considered normal, so you feel guilty and ashamed. Anyone would at first, but with knowledge that this attraction is part of the Whole Soul process, you can make peace with it all.

We all have that person in the world who is the opposite/same as us. The most accepted explanation of what happens at death is that one soul waits for the other, they learn what lessons they can, and they agree to return and go through the life journey together again.

The key here is for both souls to agree. Sometimes, souls have different ideas about what they want to experience, and as a result, one soul may arrive later than the other. The soul who is forced to be lonely for many years often finds another soul connection or someone at random to spend this waiting period with.

Then the other soul takes the plunge to return to Earth because it's vital that they be together. So while we often assume soul mates will be romantically involved, sometimes that's not practical or possible.

You and your nephew evolved past this frustration before you each returned this time. You feel a strong desire to be with him, but what you feel is NOT sexual desire, but rather spiritual attraction. He may go through the same strong sense of spiritual attraction later or even while you're in this phase.

Just be prepared for that possibility and resolve to let Nature guide you. She will. You may feel wrong now, but neither of you is going to DO anything wrong. Your situation feels extraordinary but it happens all the time.

I'm sure your nephew doesn't know how you're feeling. If you spend more time together, you'll work this out together too. You need each other. If you respect and focus on the spiritual foundation of your relationship, everything will work out just fine.

*****

Susyn:

The attraction you feel for your nephew could be rooted in many things, including the past lives you've lived together. From your email, I gather that you have not been close with him over the years, but only recently discovered this attraction.

It is believed that we tend to reincarnate in groups. For that reason, many of us naturally experience soul-based recognition of many of the family members and friends with whom we share our lives. Further, we know that they grew up with the same teachings we received, and that we share some of the same genes.

The fact that you are related to him makes this feel wrong and is the reason you are so concerned. I recommend you consider the possibility that you might be attracted to your nephew even if he were not related to you. Then, instead of thinking of yourself as a bad person for feeling this way, you may come to see that you are simply having a natural human reaction to someone you respect and admire.

While you are limited in what you can do about these feelings, you might have the same experience if you found yourself attracted to your boss, a married man or someone else who was beyond your reach for one reason or another.

When we experience feelings such as you describe, we must be strong enough within ourselves not to act on them. To avoid heartbreak, embarrassment and the loss that could come from inappropriate actions, you would be wise to keep your feelings tucked away.

You may also be sensing a connection the two of you shared from a past life in which you may have been blocked from having a relationship due to bad timing, social mores or other restrictions. You may have been secret lovers in a past life, which could be playing out in this lifetime with different boundaries.

The lessons we learn from these experiences are not about acting on our feelings or even understanding the reasons behind them. These lessons are designed to awaken, change or complete something that is missing within us on a deep soul level.

Though you are drawn to your nephew, if you hold your feelings in check, you can still enjoy a wonderful relationship with him. Just like if you had ended up feeling an attraction for a best friend who was not interested in a relationship, with the right mindset and boundaries, you could still maintain the friendship.

So be happy knowing that you have a great relationship with someone you admire. If you keep any inappropriate feelings to yourself, you can enjoy an enduring connection that will warm your heart in spiritual ways.

Astrea:

Many times in life we hear, "You will always have what you NEED, but not necessarily what you WANT." Your spirit must have needed to experience the feeling of leaving your human body, and the suggestion in the next chapter of Sylvia Brown's book was all it took to get you there.

Even though you hadn't read it yet, your SOUL recognized the title of that chapter as something it had been seeking, and your soul, knowing that you had that reference to read after your experience, got with it and out you went!

While I don't usually recommend her books, Sylvia Brown has a wide reaching and powerful effect on lots of people. A Gemini like you would be able to relate easily to her writing and put it to good use. Synchronicity - you gotta love it!

I like your description of "getting caught." That's exactly what it feels like, isn't it? One minute you're free and hovering above the room, and the next minute, ZAP! back down into your corporeal form you go!

As a little kid, I loved that "feeling of return." With practice, most of the time we can control that event, but sometimes, when our physical ears hear a distracting noise or something else occurs to knock us back into reality, back we go. With practice you will be able to control your return better.

I find it interesting that you were visiting your mother-in-law and not someone in your own genetic family. Evidently, you and your husband got married for reasons that are even deeper than love. His family's interest in "psychic stuff" will nurture your children in such matters and help them to grow into their own abilities.

You'll never have to be concerned that when your daughter visits them, she'll be discouraged from exploring her own psychic life and power. My parents encouraged me to develop my psychic senses in a time when it wasn't nice to even discuss such things in public. Heck, it's STILL not considered a great topic at the dinner table in some families!

Your kids will get to talk about it ALL and ask questions and read and study. This is going to give them such an edge in life! Talk with your husband about how you want to present this to your kiddos, so that you are united in your approach and ready to tell them their experiences are all natural and okay.

A word or two of warning: Geminis often have difficulty staying grounded in REAL LIFE. Don't get so strung out on your ASTRAL life that you neglect what you're doing here on Earth.

You are at the beginning of a long journey to learn where your power really lies. Try to be patient with this process and take your time.