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Finding Balance: 9 Steps to Creating Resilience, by Anusha Wijeyakumar, MA

(Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal.)

Would it not be a wonderful thing to have a calm and serene mind through the ups and downs of our daily lives? To have the ability to learn ways in which to stop the constant cascading thoughts (often negative) from arising? Do you sometimes feel that you will never be able to change your way of thinking no matter how hard you try?

There is a beautiful parable about a frog that was aiming to reach the top of a tree. All the other frogs told this frog that it was impossible, and that frog would never reach the top. The frog thought that all of the negative comments were in fact positive encouragement urging her to fulfill her dream, so she reached the top by turning a deaf ear to all of the negativity surrounding her.

We can all resonate with the story of this frog, and I encourage you all to take the lesson of the frog into your own lives. As we progress on our paths towards recognizing our dreams and embracing our full potential in this life, there will always be people telling us we can't, that it will never happen...and the list goes on. I have lost count of the number of times I have heard that throughout my life! I have learned through meditation and mindfulness practices to drown out the outside noise and focus unwaveringly on my goals. We call this in yoga philosophy Dharana, the sixth limb on Sage Patanjali's eight-limb path of Yoga. With this single, pointed concentration and focus, if you put in the time and effort with no external noise deterring you from your goal, the path will lead you to where you have set your intention on going. I invite you all to be like the frog on your paths towards realizing your dreams and welcome this beautiful wisdom into your daily lives. The nine simple steps listed below will enable you to become that frog and help change your mindset to change your life!

1. Drowning Out the External Noise
   How many of us are constantly receiving unsolicited feedback from family, friends, and colleagues as to our choices in life? It began to dawn upon me recently how much unsolicited feedback we receive from people everyday about our lifestyle choices, what we eat, where we live, who we date, where we travel, what we wear, even down to our choice of hairstyle. If we allow ourselves, we become bombarded by this outside noise constantly, so much so that it begins to drown out our own inner voice and intuition. Throw in modern society, fast-paced lifestyles, and the onslaught of technology and it just gives you a headache trying to keep up with it all! Begin by closing your eyes and engaging a mindfulness of breath exercise where you taking a few deep calming inhales and slow relaxing exhales.
2. Knowing Your Personal Truth
   So, it really begs the question: how does one maintain sanity (and normal blood pressure!) in this modern age where we have so many endless choices that, sometimes, making a simple choice becomes a stress unto itself? Throw in added external pressure from family and friends and making decisions in life can become so confusing; I have witnessed people more than happy to allow others to make decisions for them to avoid the stress. Some people may think is a great thing, absolving yourself of your responsibility to lead your own life. However, not having your voice heard in even minor life choices can result in lasting blockages being created within you, along with a loss of confidence and the ability to speak your truth—or even losing the ability to know your truth deep within you.
3. Tuning in to Your Inner Voice
   The next logical question is: how are we able to tune in to our own inner voice? How we do we even hear it amongst all of the outside noise? This is often not an easy process, and one that takes time to develop in order to fully tune in to what is going on within us. How are we able to balance that fine line between tuning into our own inner voice while still respecting and valuing other people's input into our lives and encouraging it in a positive way? It begins with setting boundaries with yourself as to what input you will tolerate from other people and being very clear within yourself of your own personal boundaries. It may help to start journaling or making a list about what things make you feel good in your life and what things tend to have a disempowering effect. It can also help to sit alone in nature while you ponder these thoughts to gain more clarity, and nature always has a wonderful effect of grounding us in our own reality and giving us more clarity on our path. Once you are clear and resolute on your own personal boundaries, you can begin the next step: establishing an open form of dialogue and communication with family and friends where you do not feel disempowered or dejected by their feedback in your life, whether it is welcome or unwelcome.
4. Learning to Analyze Your Internal Dialogue
   Communication is key to success in life, whether in relationships, with family or friends, or in the workplace. How we communicate enables us to manifest our truth in our lives. The most important part of communication, however, is self-communication, of which many of us are not even aware. People often lament the fact that they do not get the desired responses they want out of situations or from people in their lives, and it all comes back to how we communicate with ourselves. What is your internal dialogue? How do you react when things go wrong or when they go right? Are you dejected at the slightest form of rejection in your life, or do you stand strong and tall in the face of adversity (which is a necessary part of life)? When things are going well, are you overly elated and jubilant about life only to fall very hard when things take a sudden change of direction? Start to become aware of the landscape of your thinking and the thoughts that run through your head on a daily basis. It is through awareness that change is possible, and often we are not even conscious of the constant dialogue going on within our own heads.
5. Beginning the Process of Changing the Tape
   Most of our emotional responses to situations are learned behavior from our formative years and the development of our brains in the first few years of our lives. Not all of our destructive thoughts come from traumatic events. Oftentimes, it is the repetition of thoughts that stay with us, becoming the landscape of our thinking patterns. Perhaps we tell ourselves constantly that we are not good at something. As a result, what can occur is a learned pattern of behavior of self-defeat and fear. When associations are built in the mind, a stimulus is connected to a thought and the neurons physically connect. Therefore, if one neuron fires the other fires, also, resulting in additional stimuli repeating the thoughts of self-defeat and fear. A single thought does not impact the mind or brain; rather, it is repetition of these thoughts that result in conditioning of the brain to think and react in a certain manner that comes to dominate our minds and lives.
6. Knowing that Change Is Possible
   The ability of the brain to vary or change its patterns is called plasticity. In the last twenty years, neuroscience has proven the correlation between meditation and regeneration of the brain. Therefore, the good news is that we are able to control the way our mind works if we can control our thoughts, and that all comes back to self-communication and the words that we feed ourselves in each and every moment. It is a process that we call in Yoga philosophy, "becoming the Sakshi (witness)," a silent impartial observer of your mind. It is only when we are aware and present in each and every moment that we begin to be able to observe the internal dialogue that is going on within our own minds. It is only when we become truly aware of our innermost thoughts that results in this conditioning of our minds, that we are able to change our patterns of thinking from negative to positive—and meditation is a proven method of being able to change the way we think. So the next time someone tells you that change is not possible or that you will never achieve your goals, just drown them out and instead go into your place of peace and quiet within where you know that anything is possible!
7. Turning Toward Meditation
   Meditation is a word that can conjure images of the lotus position and sitting in silence for long periods of time—which, quite frankly, is not accessible to most of us, or especially those who are new to meditation. Most of us are aware of the benefits of having a daily meditation practice in our lives. We have read about it, thought about it, or (for many of us) actually tried to sit down and do it, often without achieving great results. The number one complaint that I receive from my clients is that they have tried meditation before but it just does not see to work for them. We all lead busy lives, and the thought of sitting silently in lotus pose for 30 minutes each day with our monkey mind just does not seem feasible nor quite frankly any fun.
8. Learning Why Meditation Is Powerful
   On a basic level, meditation practices help calm an overactive brain, which can lead to anxiety and insomnia. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America found that 40 million Americans aged 18 and up suffer from anxiety disorders—which is 18% of the population. This is a worrying statistic! There is also an increasing reliance on prescription medicine to deal with a lot of these symptoms, unfortunately, can lead to the symptoms being treated without treating the root cause. It is only when we begin the journey into the mind to deal with what is really causing the anxiety, insomnia, or depression that we are then able to release this pain and heal ourselves from within. The benefits to meditating regularly are scientifically proven, and are, of course, endless. After all, who doesn't want peace of mind and inner sanctity in the craziness and constant whirlwind of activity that surrounds us? Science further verifies that cultivating compassion and mindful awareness in our lives and living in the present enables us to transform our relationship with ourselves also and become our own best friend. It all sounds so good in theory, but practice and results always seem the most difficult part to attain.
9. Discovering Tools for a Successful Daily Meditation Practice
   By creating and committing to a regular meditation practice, you lower your baseline level of emotional arousal so that when something negative occurs, or you start to have anxiety or worried thoughts, instead of your normal programmed reaction, you instead are able to retrain your mind to meet these situations with patience and mindfulness. We know that a daily meditation practice helps to ground us and sets us up for the day ahead, but how do we make it easy and approachable? My book Meditation with Intention includes some of my personal top tips for making sure that you carve out that much-needed time for yourself each day to meditate, and that you actually begin to look forward to doing so. If you can make a commitment to set aside five minutes each morning, preferably as soon as you have risen, you will find that this sets you up best for the day ahead, and you will not be disappointed. You can also visit www.shantiwithin.com/shop for my free five-minute mindfulness meditation and details of my meditation and coaching program.

Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal. Copyright Llewellyn Worldwide, 2021. All rights reserved.

I'm struggling with something that is deeply personal in nature. I've been married for 11 years now, and we have three children. About seven years ago, I had an affair. After a while, we broke it off because we didn't want to hurt anyone. Since then, however, I've gone from one affair to another. I feel I'm searching for something, but I don't know what it is. I hate that I'm doing this, but I can't seem to stop. I love my husband and he loves me, but I still feel like something really essential is missing. I know that being dishonest and "cheating" is wrong, but it feels like a deeper, truer part of myself - my soul or spirit - is insisting that I seek something more. I'm hoping you can help me figure out what I'm searching for and how I can find it. Thank you!
- T.

Dreamchaser:

Basically, you are seeking unconditional love. It is something you have never known, felt or experienced.

Though you are looking high and low, trying to fulfill this deep need for unconditional love, you are never going to find it outside of yourself. You think that the affairs are going to bring it to you, but they are not.

You need to find this divine love inside of yourself. Finding personal unconditional love inside of yourself is a matter of knowing you are enough just the way you are, that you don't have to change or become more or better or anything like that. You have worth and value just because you are who you really are, not because of what you do or don't do.

What you want is that higher power/Christ Energy - whatever term you want to use. It is available to everyone, but each of us must find our own way to access it. It is called many things, but in essence, it is the spirit of unconditional love.

Sadly, very few people actually find it, but practically everyone will try one way or another to chase after it.

You know you are walking on a tightrope here. It's only a matter of time before you lose everything you value most in your life. You will lose your family, and you won't gain anything as wonderful in return.

You want people in your life to show you unconditional love because you do not have it inside of yourself FOR yourself. Unless you find it inside, you will be on an endless search for it, and move from man to man, relationship to relationship.

I recommend you take one day a week if possible, or at least 15 minutes a day, and do something just for you that demonstrates love for yourself. You are always doing for everyone else in your house. Do something just for you. That is a good way to start.

I also recommend you buy a book called Living Through the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant. It's sort of a workbook, and it will really help you get to the crux of your issues with love and self-worth.

Now we need to address the negative stuff you feel about yourself. Guilt and self-hate are huge soul eaters. They are like termites of the soul. You feel elated when you meet a new man and start a new relationship, but very soon the shine wears off and you get to feeling bad again.

Then you look at your family and feel deep guilt. As the excitement starts to wear off the new relationship, it peters out, and then you start the cycle again.

Having these affairs only makes you feel good in the moment. What you're looking for in these affairs is a way to be truly happy. That's what your soul is seeking. I think that is why you came here looking for answers.

Get that book and take some time for yourself so you can figure out things you REALLY love to do.

I wish you TRUE peace and contentment.

*****

Astrea:

I don't think you're looking for someone to tell you what you're doing is wrong, or to judge you for doing it, either. You've already decided and judged yourself.

Trying to soothe yourself with the idea that some "message from Spirit" is causing you to have affairs isn't going to help you stop. While it's easy to give in to the feeling that this is "bigger" than you are, and something you seek because you are SUPPOSED to, that doesn't make it right. What you are doing is wrong TO your husband and bad FOR you.

If in a past life you were part of a harem, or a prostitute or a priestess, and the behavior is still in your spirit, it might explain your compulsion to keep having these affairs. When I look, I can't find ANY connection like that for you, however.

If you try past life regression with someone who knows their stuff, you may find a recurring theme in your past lives that sheds light on this. Otherwise, you're just having affairs because it's become a compulsion. Perhaps you feel the need to misbehave because you need to keep guilt alive and well in your life.

From your question, I can tell that you are an intelligent, caring woman. It's okay to be bored in your marriage. It's sad, but it happens all the time. It is NOT okay for a woman who is responsible for three children to have affair after affair with ANYONE, especially these days.

Even if your husband was a horrible person, he wouldn't deserve to be treated this way. Your children deserve the best you can give them, and you do too! Of course you love your husband and you don't want a divorce. You don't want to put him, your children or yourself through that trauma.

One PROBLEM is you don't feel fulfilled in your relationship with him, and I don't know how you can change that, since he doesn't fulfill you in a "soulful" way.

You say you broke off the affair seven years ago because the two of you didn't want to hurt anyone. Well, YOU are hurt! You're STILL hurting yourself with these affairs as surely as if you were obsessed with any other kind of self-destructive behavior.

You've made cheating your lifestyle all these years, so it's become a HABIT. Like smoking or drinking alcohol, bad habits can be extremely hard to break.

You're not searching for authentic love - you're giving in to an addiction.
Because you KNOW it's wrong, it's VERY wrong for you. No matter what it takes, you have to stop.

I'm not qualified to diagnose such a thing, but from what you say, it sounds like sex addiction is your real problem. Based on what I was able to read about it, this can be caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain or some trauma you suffered in childhood.

That sort of problem requires professional help, so get into therapy before it's too late.

Astrea:

Many times in life we hear, "You will always have what you NEED, but not necessarily what you WANT." Your spirit must have needed to experience the feeling of leaving your human body, and the suggestion in the next chapter of Sylvia Brown's book was all it took to get you there.

Even though you hadn't read it yet, your SOUL recognized the title of that chapter as something it had been seeking, and your soul, knowing that you had that reference to read after your experience, got with it and out you went!

While I don't usually recommend her books, Sylvia Brown has a wide reaching and powerful effect on lots of people. A Gemini like you would be able to relate easily to her writing and put it to good use. Synchronicity - you gotta love it!

I like your description of "getting caught." That's exactly what it feels like, isn't it? One minute you're free and hovering above the room, and the next minute, ZAP! back down into your corporeal form you go!

As a little kid, I loved that "feeling of return." With practice, most of the time we can control that event, but sometimes, when our physical ears hear a distracting noise or something else occurs to knock us back into reality, back we go. With practice you will be able to control your return better.

I find it interesting that you were visiting your mother-in-law and not someone in your own genetic family. Evidently, you and your husband got married for reasons that are even deeper than love. His family's interest in "psychic stuff" will nurture your children in such matters and help them to grow into their own abilities.

You'll never have to be concerned that when your daughter visits them, she'll be discouraged from exploring her own psychic life and power. My parents encouraged me to develop my psychic senses in a time when it wasn't nice to even discuss such things in public. Heck, it's STILL not considered a great topic at the dinner table in some families!

Your kids will get to talk about it ALL and ask questions and read and study. This is going to give them such an edge in life! Talk with your husband about how you want to present this to your kiddos, so that you are united in your approach and ready to tell them their experiences are all natural and okay.

A word or two of warning: Geminis often have difficulty staying grounded in REAL LIFE. Don't get so strung out on your ASTRAL life that you neglect what you're doing here on Earth.

You are at the beginning of a long journey to learn where your power really lies. Try to be patient with this process and take your time.