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The Hunger for Reality: Our Search for Essence, by Richard Harvey

(Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal.)

We have a great hunger. I don't mean obvious hunger—hunger for love, food, nourishment, a warm bed, a partner, a creative happy life. All these are valid hungers, and it is hard to be a human being without experiencing them. But, the hunger to which I am referring is not only greater, but also deeper than any of these. It is the hunger for what is real, for what is true—a hunger for the essence of life.

When you think about it, reality is the only feasible foundation for your life; it underpins absolutely everything. Take the hungers above—just a cursory list—you could have any one of them, but if it is not real, then what good is it?

Real or Not?
Take love. You meet someone who you like. You stay together for a while and the relationship deepens into love. But, a little way down the line, you or your partner becomes attracted to someone else. What has happened to the love? Is it real? Was it ever real? When you are cheated on, betrayed, or jilted, was the love real or not?

Then take food and nourishment. The reality of this today is surely without doubt. Only the most credulous of us are ignorant of real, organic, unprocessed, natural foods and their superiority in all ways over junk food, confectionery, candy, and convenience foods. Real nourishment is healthy, tastes good, and strengthens our immune system.

The Inner Experience of Reality
"Real" is what we want and what we need; instinctively and intuitively we know it. Now, would it surprise you if I said that reality as you experience it (mainly outer reality) relies on your inner experience of reality? When you are real within, the rest will follow. Stay with me if you are not sure.

You and I are born into a world that is not of our own making. It is a challenging world, possibly a hostile one, and one where our needs are almost certain to be ignored or sidelined. There may be many individual reasons for this: incompetence, ignorance, insensitivity, selfishness, busy-ness, but one universal reason is that all children have unrealistic expectations. From the cradle to puberty you expect all sorts of incredible things, perfect things, ideals of perfection. And naturally you are disappointed. How could you not be? You are disappointed, and according to your reaction to this disappointment you begin a lengthy and complex process of building defenses, ways to resist the pain of disappointment, the sadness and cruelty of a world that does not respond to what you need.

Your Essence is Spiritual
You could say that as children we are too close to heaven. Yet, the first seven years of life, at least, are characterized by the ordeal of corporal identity or incarnation.

You are in essence a spiritual being. I know that for some of you this will not be a surprise. But whether it is or not, take it in for a moment. You are a spiritual being in essence. You were born, and you found yourself with this appendage, this gross dependent: a body. You are spirit walking around in a temple that is attached to you, as surely as a crab is joined to its shell. This body defines you and your relationship to the physical, just as your spirit defines and occupies your body. Hence, we say that the eyes are the windows of the soul or we detect physical grace, ease, and flowing movement in the aware or awakened human being.

But before that is possible, we have to grapple with a truth: we have been hindered with a gross duty and responsibility to a body that, far sooner than we think or desire, is in an inevitable process of deterioration that ends in physical death. A human being has every reason to fear, worry, plan, and seek security in such a predicament! One thing is for sure: we are bound to die.

But wait! This physical death is only your own death if you are absolutely sure that you and the physical body are one and the same; that is, if you identify yourself with your physical body. Identifying with the physical body is very close to defining yourself as a separate self, a defended character, a mass of stories, experiences, judgments, and prejudices that comprise your character, what you are like, both hidden and apparent.

Fear of Death/Fear of Life
Now, fear of death is projected into your present existence as fear of life. In fact, the fear of death comprises all your fears, so it is the only one you really need to focus on and heal. Healing your fear of death is not as difficult as you may think; the key is to locate your identification. What are you? Who are you? Don't falter over this question or deal with it too hastily. Plenty of spiritual adepts in the East have spent their entire lives working with the discipline that's inherent in this question: Who am I? It is, in fact, the question—without some semblance of an answer what are you going to do, think, or feel that's of any consequence? What is the foundation of your life? What are you building on?

You may answer, "I am me" (fill in the gaps with experiences, stories, prejudices, thoughts, opinions, and so on) "in a world of others" (things, people, the earth, and so on; fill in the gap with everything that is not me). This may be how it looks, but it is patently untrue! You cannot possibly exist in a world separate from everything else, divided from the others. You are like everyone else—continually in context. Look at any photograph of yourself and what do you see? Other people, trees, a dog, sidewalk, beach, sky, clouds, sunlight, nature, a street. See what I mean? In fact, you do not exist without these things (and arguably they may not exist without you).

Identity, Separation, and Division
Yet, by means of a threefold process of identifying yourself, separating yourself, and dividing yourself, you have created the basis for a consensus reality that everyone more or less subscribes to. In other words, you are not alone; you have supporters—in your delusion.

Having supporters is a comfort and a consolation, and it tends to be fine until one of two things happen: dissatisfaction or crisis.

Some dissatisfaction or crisis is necessary to propel you into inner work. Something provokes the conviction that this is not enough and you want more! (And this "more" will lead you to reality.) Inner reality demands an archaeological dig to skillfully clear the layers of emotional-behavioral patterns, restrictive life-statements, repressed emotions, and deeply-held protective beliefs that cover your essence. Your essence is intact beneath these many veils and waiting for you. It is as I have written in my book Your Essential Self: you awaken to a most welcome stranger, your true self.

The Gifts of Life
What people most want today falls into four broad categories:

• Love and partnership
• Money and pleasure
• Attractiveness and popularity
• Health and long life

Once you are living from your essence, these and other treasures come to you and you are showered with the gifts of life—attractiveness, confidence, authenticity, genuine heartfelt-ness, compassion, feeling, kindness, soulfulness, charisma, creativity, and purpose.

This journey of self-discovery is enormously challenging, but the curious thing is you get everything you want. When you survey the desires of people today, the way they go about getting what they want seems transparently misguided. It is there within you for the taking!

Connect with Your Essence
But, if you don't have yourself in reality, then you don't have anything, because no one is here to possess it. Thus, when you are rejected in a love relationship, for example, doesn't it really hurt because it re-stimulates your inner rejection of yourself? When you are ambitious for more money, could it be because you don't have access to your inner treasures? When you are seeking to improve your outward appearance at the gym or through dieting, what difference could it make if you learned instead to love yourself?

So, look inside first and then look outside. Connect with your core, your essential self inside, before you start superficial manipulations, alterations, and interferences that don't actually work in the long run.

Gillian's story
Gillian was a young woman in her late twenties who came to see me for psychotherapy. Her problem was her grief at the end of her relationship of some two years. As we explored her sadness, her regrets, and her resentments, we stumbled on an entirely new subject. It was her relationship with her father. For some weeks she had maintained that her daughter-father relationship was positive, close to ideal. This made me suspicious. As her trust in therapy and me deepened, she revealed that her father had loved her as a small child but around the age of ten he had taken her off his knee, where she remembered she used to sit and chat with him, announcing that she was now, "too old to cuddle." This hurt the child Gillian enormously. She was bereft, and although she couldn't share it with anyone she expressed her grief alone in her bedroom at night. Through her soul-searching she tried to make sense of her father's rejection. Eventually she arrived at one inescapable conclusion, the only one that made any sense and which of course exonerated her beloved and later idealized father from blame: she was unlovable.

When we make discoveries like this in early life they form guiding dictums for our lives. They become inner law. We unconsciously become guided by these formative experiences and seminal beliefs. Thus, Gillian believed she was unlovable simply because her father rejected her.

Unconsciously, for the next almost twenty years, she had followed the implications of this life-statement (that she was unlovable), which brought us to the present and the demise of her latest relationship.

Looking back, she realized that sometimes she had been rejected and at other times she had rejected her partners, since she had absorbed the full experience from both sides of the relationship dynamic between herself and her father. We had to return more than once to this poignant memory of her father taking her off of his knee. But, eventually she understood clearly that she didn't have to live according to the emotional conclusions she had drawn from this early experience.

A Return to Reality Gillian returned to reality—or really arrived in it for the first time. Without this archaeological dig she may never have realized that she harbored a deep belief in her own unlovableness, and her relationships would have failed as a result.

Setting Up an Inner Practice to Discover your Essence
To set up an inner practice through which you can develop your essence by feeding your hunger for reality, follow these steps:

• First, out of respect for your decision to delve deeply into your inner world, allot a certain amount of time each week to inner work. But please don't overreach! If fifteen minutes is possible for you, that's good. If thirty minutes, that's good, too. Don't aim for some length of time you will find difficult to stick to.
• Second, create a special place or a corner of your room where you can have a notebook and some thoughtful, precious, meaningful objects. Now you can begin.
• Third, recall important episodes from your early life. Write them down if it helps you to connect with them. Draw pictures, too. You should have an inner work notebook specifically for this purpose, and it is your private workbook.
• Examine your work for what life-statements can you glean from these episodes. You read how Gillian made sense of her father's rejection by taking the responsibility on herself and exonerating him. What did you learn from your early memories about life, relationships, time, money, love, sharing emotions, men and women, giving and taking, teaching and learning, self worth, and values?
• Finally, progress your contemplations throughout your life right up to now. Ask yourself where and how these life-statements have acted on your journey through life and affected you.

Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal. Copyright Llewellyn Worldwide, 2013. All rights reserved.

I was born 12/22/56. I'm in a transitional phase of life right now, especially regarding my 20-year marriage. I can't seem to move forward. One day I know I need to leave, and the next day I feel it would be disastrous for the family. Help! I'm going crazy! Is it possible that I'm torn because I was born on the cusp of two very different signs?

Kathryn

Astrea:

I will probably make you mad, but the truth must be told. You're right; you are in a big transition, maybe the last chance transition of your life! It's not just having a birthday on the cusp but also your particular birth date that is causing you inner conflict. You were born at the closing of the year, and Yule is a confusing time for everyone.

It's true that people with cusp birthdays usually have dual characters, which can make it difficult to get rid of clutter in their lives. Yes, a husband who doesn't make you happy qualifies as clutter. It sounds shocking, but you know in your heart it's true.

Your description of your situation is pure Capricorn. Capricorn women complain to high heaven about being unhappy but will do very little to remedy that unhappiness. Am I making you mad yet? Mad enough to DO something?

This guy has had 20 years of your life! Do you really want him to get more? The family isn't a good excuse, for you will only disappoint them more by staying where you don't feel happy and fulfilled. Most of the family members you want to stay miserable for are so self-involved they don't really know what is going on with you. They don't appreciate what you're doing for them or know the sacrifices you've made to keep everyone together.

What will they learn from you doing that? Capricorn women are great at finding a way to hang in there and survive, but do you really want to just survive? The Sagittarius in you is screaming for freedom and the possibility of happiness. She doesn't want to stay in an unhappy situation - she wants out because she wants to LIVE.

That Sagittarius part of you is trying to assert itself. You're finally hearing it, but are you really listening? If you let it, the Sag part of you will save your life. If you know deep down that you need to leave, then it's time to go.

You are indeed conflicted, for you have a lovely, giving, nurturing Capricorn inside who is really stuck, and a wild, crazy Sag who is yearning for fun and excitement. Your heart is calling you to live your own life for you, not for others.

You've done your best - I know that, Darlin'. Twenty years is long enough to give someone second, third and fourth chances. Of course your husband doesn't want to lose you. You've always done your best to make him the happy one, but it's time for you to please YOU now!

Please un-ground yourself for a moment Capricorn. Remember that fire needs air to burn, and quit smothering your inner fire. I hope you're mad enough to really make a change!

*****

Susyn:

I can understand your frustration in not knowing which direction to move. Finding yourself in a life cycle like this can be maddening, for the more effort we put into determining which direction to move, the more confusion we tend to feel.

When we find ourselves embroiled in this kind of struggle, it's usually because we are going back and forth between being heart-centered and intellect-centered. One day you might feel in your heart that it's time to leave, and the next, your head is coming up with all kinds of reasons you should try to stick things out.

When we try to decide something this important on our own, we tend to sit endlessly on the fence, unable to move in any direction. Once we can turn the choice over to Spirit and become willing to follow our intuition, however, a clear picture of what we need to do next begins to emerge.

As you turn this situation over to a higher source for resolution, you can simply request that if you are supposed to leave your marriage, doors will begin to open and you'll have the strength to walk through them. If it is not yet time to make this kind of change, ask that the Universe block your movements and take away the desire to leave.

It may be that you are looking for an action to take without having searched for the deeper reasons you are unhappy. If this is the case, you will be unable to move forward until you have explored all aspects of what is behind your desire to leave.

Being born on the cusp between Sagittarius and Capricorn is not the reason you are having trouble making a decision, though people born with a mix of two zodiac personalities do usually carry traits of both signs. While your Sagittarius side insists you be fair, nurturing and balanced, the Capricorn part of you will be determined, headstrong and prone to making decisions and sticking with them.

This combination usually indicates a person who does not make decisions lightly, who reviews all aspects of their choices and considers how their behavior will affect all the people involved. Once a decision has been made, however, someone with a mix of Sagittarius and Capricorn will usually move forward.

To clear up this confusion, you must let go of the idea that you are responsible for making this decision by yourself, and ask a higher spiritual source to help you come to some sort of resolution. Once you surrender to all of the feelings and thoughts you are having about leaving your marriage, the Universe will begin to work on your behalf and lead you in the right direction.

Astrea:

Many times in life we hear, "You will always have what you NEED, but not necessarily what you WANT." Your spirit must have needed to experience the feeling of leaving your human body, and the suggestion in the next chapter of Sylvia Brown's book was all it took to get you there.

Even though you hadn't read it yet, your SOUL recognized the title of that chapter as something it had been seeking, and your soul, knowing that you had that reference to read after your experience, got with it and out you went!

While I don't usually recommend her books, Sylvia Brown has a wide reaching and powerful effect on lots of people. A Gemini like you would be able to relate easily to her writing and put it to good use. Synchronicity - you gotta love it!

I like your description of "getting caught." That's exactly what it feels like, isn't it? One minute you're free and hovering above the room, and the next minute, ZAP! back down into your corporeal form you go!

As a little kid, I loved that "feeling of return." With practice, most of the time we can control that event, but sometimes, when our physical ears hear a distracting noise or something else occurs to knock us back into reality, back we go. With practice you will be able to control your return better.

I find it interesting that you were visiting your mother-in-law and not someone in your own genetic family. Evidently, you and your husband got married for reasons that are even deeper than love. His family's interest in "psychic stuff" will nurture your children in such matters and help them to grow into their own abilities.

You'll never have to be concerned that when your daughter visits them, she'll be discouraged from exploring her own psychic life and power. My parents encouraged me to develop my psychic senses in a time when it wasn't nice to even discuss such things in public. Heck, it's STILL not considered a great topic at the dinner table in some families!

Your kids will get to talk about it ALL and ask questions and read and study. This is going to give them such an edge in life! Talk with your husband about how you want to present this to your kiddos, so that you are united in your approach and ready to tell them their experiences are all natural and okay.

A word or two of warning: Geminis often have difficulty staying grounded in REAL LIFE. Don't get so strung out on your ASTRAL life that you neglect what you're doing here on Earth.

You are at the beginning of a long journey to learn where your power really lies. Try to be patient with this process and take your time.