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by Nathalie W. Herrman

(Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal.)

For many years I misunderstood my own power. I thought I could will things into being with the sheer intensity of my desire—that I could invoke them out of thin air and attract them to me without having to do any specific groundwork. But there is a practical side of manifestation that I was missing completely, a set of logical and orderly action steps. There is a preparation phase, a beginning phase, and a maintenance phase, and in any or all of these, challenges must be met and obstacles overcome. I have had to learn how to partner with spiritual principles and align with divine grace. And perhaps all of this sounds complicated, but it's really not.

Life is challenging. We struggle to figure things out, to fix what we perceive as being broken, to get through the day, the week, the month, and the year. We struggle over finances, body image, relationships, and all of the things that we have to get done. We struggle over the future and the past—who we are, how we grew up, and all that we think should be happening in our lives. We get so busy struggling that we forget to pause and consider our dreams. What do we want? That's the first thing to ask.

And even as we answer this question it becomes convoluted. We start second-guessing ourselves right away and thinking of all the reasons that we can't have it. We are habituated to being victims of life, and our desire is muddied before we even begin. But if we can simplify the situation and quiet our minds enough to hear the kernel of truth in our answer, then we have a starting point. And that's all we need.

This is not about pie-in-the-sky wanting, like winning the lottery and things of that nature that we have no ability to control, but down-to-earth wanting—like more financial security, improved health, natural relaxation, and harmonious relationships. Or maybe something completely different. Maybe we want to travel to Ireland, run a marathon, take a cruise, buy a particular car, go back to school, or quit our job. Whatever we want, it's ok to want it. But it doesn't end there.

In order to make it a reality, we have to set it up. It's a process, and we have to identify the steps. We have to understand what's required. It may be finances, or time, or a shift in attitude or behavior. We have to clear what's blocking us, engage spiritual principles, and doggedly persist. We may need to give something up in order to get what we want. We may have to experience discomfort. We may have to change our habits and overcome daunting odds. But if we are willing to do what it takes, then we can manifest anything. This is a universal truth based on cause and effect.

Let's say, for example, that we want to stop feeling so rushed and overwhelmed, and to more readily enjoy the experience of time. There is a practical side to this desire, and an emotional one as well. We will likely have to change some things about our physical routine—maybe wake up a little earlier, say no to over-booking ourselves and set other boundary-setting limits, stop responding instantaneously to any and every email and text that comes our way, and make better plans. And from a spiritual perspective we may need to shift our attitude about time and learn to pay attention to the present moment more effectively than we are in the habit of doing, and learn to observe and appreciate the shifting light, and the natural cycles from sun-up to sun-down, and seasonally.

Perhaps that seems overwhelming, and in some ways it may be, but that's where the simple steps come in. We break it down. We identify what we want, look honestly at the reality of our current situation, and then pick one thing that's not working for us and stop doing it. Then we start doing something that works better, and sustain the new behavior until it becomes a habit. Then we repeat the steps again and again, ever improving our lives in whatever direction we choose. It really can be that simple. Let's return to our example.

1. We identify what we want: To feel more relaxed and stop rushing.
2. Two parts:
   • Part One. We honestly examine one facet of our current situation that is blocking us from having what we want: We are always running late in the morning and that makes us feel behind the clock all day.
   • Part Two: We consider what we are doing that makes us run late: We are over-indulging the snooze button on our alarm clock.
3. We courageously STOP over snoozing.
4. We use discipline to START waking up when the alarm clock goes off the first time.
5. We SUSTAIN the new behavior (waking up right when the alarm clock goes off) until such a point that it becomes a habit.

And what we experience is discomfort at first, and resistance to the new behavior. It's excruciating to not hit the snooze button. But if we stick with it, eventually it becomes easy, and the REWARD is that we have more time in the morning, and are no longer rushed. And then we move on, and repeat the process to address the next issue in regards to our having a more relaxed experience of life.

1. We identify what we want: To stop being interrupted every five minutes.
2. Two parts:
   • Part One: We honestly examine one facet of our current situation that is blocking us from having what we want: Every time we get on a roll, someone contacts us, and we have to change gears and take care of business that wasn't even on our agenda.
   • Part Two: We consider what we are doing that makes us feel so on demand: We have our phones with us 24/7 with a notification sound activated, and respond immediately every time a text or email comes in.
3. We courageously STOP responding to every notification that comes in.
4. We use discipline to START turning the sound off and put our phone away for periods of time while we are busy with other things.
5. We SUSTAIN the new behavior (keeping our phones silent so we can be uninterrupted when we need to focus our attention elsewhere) until such a point that it becomes a habit.

And again, this will be uncomfortable, excruciating even, at first, but if we stick with it, the discomfort passes, and it becomes automatic and routine and the REWARD is that we begin to feel like we have more control over our time, and we can go as long as we need to without being interrupted by our phones. This is empowering!

The specific example may not exactly apply to your situation. But the point is that the formula for change can work across the board. If we can identify what we want; what we are doing that is blocking our access to it; and then become willing to stop, start, and sustain appropriate beliefs and behaviors to move us in the right direction, we can get where we want to go. I know this from personal experience.

I have stopped drinking this way, changed how I eat and how I view and experience my body, improved my relationships so that I no longer feel like a doormat, and learned to appreciate what I have that I once took for granted. I have worked steadily in the direction of my dreams to become the top personal trainer at the gym where I work, a published author, and an aspiring professional speaker.

Anything is possible. That's what I have learned, and that's what I have experienced. It doesn't have to be complicated. Nothing is out of our reach. We can have anything, do anything, and be anything. We have simply to identify our goal and proceed towards it in a practical way using logical steps.

I think what most of us are after is a good life, a sense of inner peace and well-being, the experience of love, and a certain overall satisfaction, rather than some particular and audacious accomplishment. But in either case, the results come from the same simple action steps. This is the theme of my new book, The Art of Good Habits, and my passion, and my core belief. It is in this way that we empower our lives. And it's not easy, but it is worth it, because we are worth it. I sincerely believe, and have a knowing from the gut, that fulfillment and life-satisfaction, however we may particularly understand these things, are possible, practical, and available to us all.

Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal. Copyright Llewellyn Worldwide, 2015. All rights reserved.

I have three kids, nearly all grown. Two are in their twenties and have left the nest, and my youngest is a teen and will be off on his own before too long. Suddenly I find myself facing the future with no idea who I am supposed to be or what I am supposed to do. I've talked to other women about this issue, and we all agree that modern parenthood seems very deceptive in many ways. We spend years putting our kids first, devoting tremendous time and energy to them, and often get little but heartache in return. Then one day they leave and never look back. I'm wondering if our modern absorption with our children is distorted - if we do too much and expect too much from the whole experience. What would a "natural spiritual" relationship with one's children look like?

 R.

Dreamchaser:

I have two teenagers myself, so I can relate to various aspects of your question. The part that concerns me is you saying that you "often get little but heartache in return." I am truly sorry you feel that way.

I take a little of this and a little of that when it comes to organized religion, and then formulate what works for me. Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, who changed his name to Osho later in his life, is one person I learn from. He was a teacher/ guru whom many believe was an ascended master.

His advice on raising children was to teach them what society says is right and wrong, then step back and let them choose their own way, because they will anyway. You can lose sleep; pull your hair out; yell, scream, and argue; but that child will still do what that child will do.

I think that as spiritual beings, we have to understand that souls have a path that they must follow. We choose lessons to learn before we arrive on earth. We have certain things we must do in this life to learn those lessons.

If what your children are doing does not align with what you think is "right," you need to find peace in faith that they are simply being true to themselves. In being troublesome, that child is stretching her soul and learning and growing.

I know it's easier for me to say this and for others to passively hear it than to actually live it. I often ask parents who are complaining about staying up all night waiting for kids to get home, or parents who are so upset they can't eat or sleep because of something their kid is up to, "What good is that doing?" I think deep down we all know that this sort of behavior from parents does nothing to change, help or fix the situation. If anything, it just adds more negative energy to the circumstances.

Let's also remember that in the past, children got married and started their own families at a much younger age. We have to deal with our children as children for a longer period of time than any other society I have learned about in history.

I think you are also experiencing the anticipation of "empty nest syndrome." We women define ourselves by our families. When our children are doing their own thing and we no longer have an active, central role, where does that leave us? Who are we?

It's time for you to redefine yourself. For the most part, you now have the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want. So what did you long to do back when you were strapping your kids in car seats or driving them to sporting events? Find some new passions now that you are free.

I wish you fresh experiences.

*****

Astrea:

I've been extremely lucky to experience what I think you mean by "spiritual parenting." My mother and father have been unfaltering in their support of every path I've chosen. They've defended me in a deep and meaningful way when others criticized me.

As I was growing up, my parents not only talked to me, they listened to me too. They guided me without directing or lecturing. They taught me crafting skills, some of which were very ancient and deeply spiritual experiences, like spinning and weaving. They introduced me to great art and books, and took me to see ballet, modern and folk dancing. They let me paint with them when I was quite small, which was a wonderful bonding experience. They taught me to be an independent thinker and to take care of myself.

From them I learned about God and how the forces of nature work in God's world. I learned about different religions. From my mother's family, I learned magic and spell making. From Daddy's, I learned ancient healing techniques. Every person in my immediate family had some natural spiritual wisdom to offer me as a child.

They are still answering my questions. My grandparents have all crossed over but they still visit and teach me things. Sometimes it's a little hint about something I'm creating. Recently, Daddy's mother taught me a trick or two about applique, but there were other things in that "visit" as well. Mother's mother is often around to gently warn me when I'm not paying attention to something.

In general, I feel there is an openness about these relationships that is very wise. Spiritual parenting is more than just feeling it; it's giving your children a way to practically apply their spirituality. You mention that you get very little in return from your children. Perhaps they feel, as I do, that nothing they could do would ever repay you for the loving care you've given them. I know if I live to be 100, I can't express the full meaning of what my parents have given me. My gratitude for all they gave me to do and learn is boundless.

It's not about the money or the clothes or the cars, or anything material. It's about teaching and learning and sharing and listening. That's how you can be a spiritual parent. Teach your children what you know to be right, and listen to what they know too. Spirit is everywhere, and will join you in that endeavor, no matter how grown up your kids seem to be, or how distant you feel at the moment.

Experience and explore life together. Love is the heart of a great family; give them love and the courage to face the world.