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by Cyndi Dale

(Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal.)

We've all been there. Maybe we are there, stuck in a toxic relationship. We perceive the other person as negative, pessimistic, troubled, and irritating. As much as we'd like to blame them for all the troubles, however, we know that we "let" them "trip" our button. It's like they are surrounded by a dark cloud that makes us cough not nice words right back at them.

It's one thing if we can avoid the person. Sometimes this isn't possible, especially if we're related to that special Pigpen (the character in Charles Schultz's cartoon strip, Peanuts, who is surrounded by a cloud of dust). What if our poisonous pill is a parent, sibling, child, co-worker, or even our spouse?

There are a lot of great books and systems featuring techniques for taking the sting out of our lethal interactions. After all, we really don't have to bite back. We can choose to leave the kitchen when our mother is criticizing our cooking for the umpteenth time (a common occurrence in my life as frankly, I can't cook peanut butter on celery). But, sometimes we can't seem to control our responses. When this occurs, we need to dig deeper into our psyche than perhaps we're used to. We must excavate our souls and transform ourselves.

As I explore in my book, Beyond Soul Mates, most relationships connect on the soul-to-soul level. Our soul is that part of us that travels through time-gathering experiences in order to learn about love. In the course of our interactions, we gain the ability to bond and care, to give and receive compassion. We also get hurt. This hurt becomes the basis of misconceptions about love, which lead to our participation in toxic relationships.

Think about it. How many dysfunctional beliefs do you think you hold in regard to love? Many of us suffer a deep sense of unworthiness or lack of deserving. Certain soul-based relationships trigger these inner sensations; these are the ones that feel toxic to us. These are the ones that drive us crazy. These are also the ones presenting us with a great gift, the chance to change our innermost and darkest beliefs so they reflect our true self, the essential self that knows it is lovable and deserving of love.

The basic process is simple.

Our soul holds all our misconceptions about love, such as, "I am unworthy," or, "Intimacy is too frightening," or, "I will only be love if I suffer fools." Our true self, on the other hand, knows the truth. It believes in its own and others' sincere goodness and worthiness. It knows that love is innate to us all. It also knows it doesn’t need to engage in unhealthy behaviors.

Shifting our soul beliefs to true-self beliefs is actually easiest to do when we're involved in negative relationships because our issues are so clear. In smooth relationships, we don't have to question the thoughts and feelings secreted inside of our psyche; we're already content with what is going on. But bad relationships? The beliefs that make us mistreat others or accept the same are constantly swirling up. They are literally "on the table," asking us to examine and transform them.

We shift our negative beliefs by concentrating on what our true self knows as truthful. While our soul is screaming, "I only deserve abusive relationships," or, "I have to be in charge of others," or, "I don't need to be safe," our true self is whispering, "I deserve the equal exchange of kindness," or, "I get to be with people who are nice."

By focusing on the beliefs innate to our true self, we can spirit away our soul's misconceptions. How do we do this?

If involved in a toxic relationship, I recommend that you actually list your soul's misconceptions and compare them to your true self's awareness. Now decide you are going to express your true self's beliefs and ignore your soul's misconceptions. You'll notice you begin to engage with others, yes, even your toxic partners, out of the spiritual qualities amenable to your true self. Your own behavior will change, inviting the same in others—or not. Either way, you'll like yourself better.

Sometimes we shift the negative beliefs in our soul and the relationship changes for the better. This process worked between my mother and myself.

Quite simplistically, we have never gotten along; we're like oil and water. In fact, I spent most of my childhood railing against her every statement. A few years ago I decided it was time to embody my true self's beliefs and I started to be more kind, gentle, and straightforward with her. My mother responded with increased wit and joy. Now we actually enjoy each other's company and laugh about our idiosyncrasies.

Sometimes the expression of our core self eliminates a relationship from our life landscape. For instance, I once dated a man whose every move sent me to the moon. One of his favorite activities was to break up with me when his life was stressed. I swear that it was a hobby for him. I ask for help with Thanksgiving dinner? He's on the run. I suggest that he move his suitcase out of the way so I can get through the hotel room door? He would say he was finished with me.

In a typical relationship, I would have suggested that he remain on the run. Unfortunately—or fortunately—I too frequently hooked my childhood and soul-based issues and react, feeling unworthy and scared. The abandonment I experienced in childhood set me up to be okay with being abandoned as an adult.

By concentrating on my true self's beliefs instead of my soul issues, however, I began to gain confidence in my own worthiness. I started saying, "no" a lot more. And I stopped seeing this individual altogether.

We can't always avoid toxic relationships but we can use them to our own loving advantage. We can shift from our soul to our true self and in the process, embody the best of ourselves. Who knows who will respond?

Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal. Copyright Llewellyn Worldwide, 2012. All rights reserved.

I've had a number of psychic readings over the past couple of years, and I've started to notice a trend: Whenever I'm getting a reading, I will get a very bad headache, but it will disappear right after the session ends. It's made me realize that I often get mild headaches that come and go suddenly, and they are often accompanied by a vague sense that someone somewhere is thinking about me. Is this normal? What do you think is happening?

- Emily

Dreamchaser:

Our bodies get used to a certain vibrational level. For example, if we live by the beach, we get used to living at sea level. If we were to travel to a high altitude, we would absolutely feel the effects of that altitude on our bodies. Of course, people who live at that high altitude feel just fine, for it is normal to them.

This same basic concept also applies to spiritual energy. If we are around someone new, our stomach sometimes gets butterflies or we get sweaty palms or have some other physical reaction to that new person's energy. In fact, our physical bodies are constantly reacting to non-physical stimuli. When you are getting a reading and you get a headache, your body is reacting to the spiritual energy surrounding you and the reader.

You see, when you are getting a reading, your vibration rises dramatically. I think that stands to reason. Your body is not used to those higher levels of spiritual energy, and your head aches as a result.

Have you ever seen one of those thermal scanner devices on television? When they come across a body or some other form of heat energy, the scanner will change colors and form the shape of the body or energy and show it on the screen. That thermal scanner is reacting to the energy around it.

That is a good image for you to hold onto when it comes to your headaches. Your body is just reacting to the new energies or vibrational levels of the reading experience. You WILL get used to it. Once your body adjusts to the new vibration, the headaches will stop.

When you get headaches when you are NOT getting a reading, the same basic process is occurring but on another level. You could have spiritual beings around you, or you could have an energy connection going on with another being. When we think of someone, our energy leaves our body and goes to that person. Their energy feels our energy and transmits a signal to the brain that makes them think of us. When they think of us, they send us energy and we think of them again in turn. As this energy travels back and forth, it creates something of a loop.

You don't know all this is happening beneath the surface of your awareness; you just know that so and so just popped into your head. The rest of you, however, is making adjustments to the energies around you at all times. So, if you are getting these headaches, you can bet it is a reaction to the energy of the person who is thinking about you.

I wish you smooth adjustments to energetic changes.

*****

Astrea:

I have migraines and I hate them! Mine are all hormones, all the time. Fortunately, they don't seem to be related my work doing readings. I know readers that get them with certain clients, and that must be a real drag.

Oddly, when I have a headache I seem a lot more psychic to myself than when I don't. I think that particular pain has something to do with our receptors, and when we have a headache, we might notice things we would normally miss. I've learned to use my headaches as tools in my work, but that doesn't mean they're any more fun.

Pain is a warning that the body gives us that something is wrong. A headache is very hard to ignore. Since your headaches happen when you're getting readings, I'm sure that the type of headache you get during readings is a specific kind. It's different from a sinus headache or a tension headache, and it stops when the reading stops.

Nothing is wrong with you, but if you're psychic on your own, that pain might be the Universe telling you to listen to yourself instead of what any reader can tell you. Sometimes a headache will come on during readings when we're supposed to manifest the choices that we want to make in life without another person's assistance. Even asking for reassurance could start the throb.

It's also possible, however, that you are trying to cloak yourself from the reader, either intentionally or by accident. When a person doesn't feel open to a reading, sometimes she will try hiding facts from the reader. While she might want an answer to the question she is asking the psychic, she doesn't want the psychic to know certain other things about her past actions or personality.

Sometimes we do this as a reaction to a specific reader, or we do it subconsciously because there are secrets we want to keep. The body manifests that repression of who we are as aches and pains. Your head hurts because your brain is hiding!

These seem to be the two basic reasons that people get headaches during psychic readings. The first is that you are psychic on your own, and so your subconscious is rejecting someone else reading for you. The second is that you're trying to prevent the psychic from reading too much.

Of course, if the psychic is a phony, your own subconscious, inner knowing may try to alert you to stop the reading. Until you start with a reader, there is no way to know which one of these things is occurring.

Try doing your own readings from now on, and see if that gives you some relief.