An Excerpt from Love Cycles by Linda Carroll
Most of us live with two competing urges — to merge and to feel independent. If we can strike a balance between them, however, we can reconcile these urges: we can connect deeply with our partner and still feel whole, even when we’re alone.
The more we feel a solid sense of self, the more we can accept our partner’s differences. We no longer ask in frustration, “Why aren’t you me?” At a deep level, we truly get that our partner is a separate and whole individual, just as we are. This recognition and acceptance of separateness is what it means to be differentiated. By helping us to move skillfully and comfortably between relationship and independence, between connection and solitude, differentiation is at the heart of a healthy self and a healthy relationship.
Three Essential Questions
In my work with couples over the years, I’ve found that exploring three essential questions enables us to master the art of differentiation in much the way Mark did with Martha — and with similar results as a person and as a partner. Our answers change as the seasons of our lives change, so we will ask them more than once. The core questions are these:
Where have I been?
Where am I now?
Where am I going?
Each question naturally flows from the other: (1) exploring where we’ve been should give us enough self-awareness and information to (2) assess where we are now and to see how much, or how little, progress we’ve made toward our ideas of fulfillment. When we ask this second question, it’s time to consider whether or not our ideas of success still make sense to us. The monk and mystic Thomas Merton was thought to have said, “People may spend their whole lives climbing the ladder of success only to find, once they reach the top, that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall.” Many of the first big decisions we make in life arise either out of opposition to or in compliance with our caretakers and authority figures. Some of us reach the top of Merton’s ladder before we realize it isn’t really where we want to be.
Once we’ve taken stock, we’re ready to (3) consider where we’re going next. As we ponder this issue, we might consider: What is my gift to contribute? What is my heart’s desire? If we do decide to head in a new direction, we need to be intentional, determined, and prepared to succeed.
Why the Three Questions Are Essential
Where have I been? Where am I now? Where am I going? Charlie and Megan asked and answered these necessary questions, and as their lives continue, they can expect to do so again from time to time. What makes these questions so crucial?
To ask the question, “Where have I been?” grounds us in place and time and allows us to understand our nature and psyche. To ask, “Where I am now?” allows us to assess where we are in our journey of self-discovery, which is the primary work of our lives. “Where am I going?” speaks to change, which is a constant and reflects the human search for meaning.
As stated above, part of the significance of these three questions is how each one leads naturally to the next. If we can understand where we’ve come from, including the dreams we may have put away and the roads we may not have taken, then we can begin to look at where we are now. Once we reflect on and understand what does and doesn’t work in our present lives, we can begin to get a fair idea of what’s next for us. Gradually, we will expand and develop into the whole, self-actualizing person we’re meant to be, someone who is prepared to be a mature, openhearted partner to another human being. As we begin to balance the legitimate needs of both self and other in a continuous, conscious dance, we practice the vital art of differentiation.
Linda Carroll is the author of Love Cycles. A couple’s therapist for over thirty years, she is certified in Transpersonal Psychology and Imago Therapy and is a master teacher in Pairs Therapy. She lives in Corvallis, OR, offers workshops across the country, and is a frequent speaker at Rancho La Puerta in Tecate, Mexico. Visit her online at www.lindaacarroll.com.
Adapted from the book Love Cycles: The Five Essential Stages of Wholehearted Love ©2014 by Linda Carroll. Published with permission of New World Library www.newworldlibrary.com.