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How to Heal Emotional Triggers: 3 Steps That Will Change Your Life, by Maria Toso

(Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal.)

We've all been there, and we've all seen others go there, too: an emotionally triggered state where we are not quite ourselves, or at least not our adult selves.

Someone says or does something, and suddenly our whole energy system reacts. If we are even a little present in our body, we may notice this shift. But if we've spent years ignoring the body's signals, we might miss the moment when the breath shortens and something inside contracts. Before we know it, we've reacted—without fully understanding where it came from.

When an old wound gets activated, the nervous system responds as if we're in imminent danger, even if the external event (such as a delayed text) is objectively minor.

And more often than not, shame follows. Because on the surface, the reaction seems out of proportion. No one wants to feel like a trembling child in an adult's body. But that's exactly what happens. A scared inner child takes the wheel, trying to cope using strategies we developed long ago in situations where we didn't feel safe, loved, or like we belonged.

It's also common that two people become triggered at once. As you may have noticed, we often feel drawn, almost magnetically, to the kinds of people and situations that will activate our most tender triggers. We think we can escape by changing partners, jobs, or friends. But if we haven't healed the pattern inside, it follows us, because it comes from us. The contracted energy knots within are essentially programmed with the unprocessed emotions from a event that overwhelmed us; we will project them out regardless of where we are. From a yogic perspective, this is no surprise.

Humans have seemingly long suffered from the pain of reactive cycles. In the Yoga Sutras, written over 2,000 years ago, we're introduced to samskaras, which are energetic grooves from repeated reactions, like a scratch on a vinyl record. When we're triggered, we drop into a familiar groove and replay the same emotional song. The actors may change, but the script remains. Unless something within us becomes conscious enough to intervene, the pattern continues—lifetime after lifetime, draining our life force and disconnecting us from the very love we seek.

Here's the good news: if you can humbly say, "Yes, I get triggered and I don't want to keep doing this," then you're ready to turn your triggers into sacred portals for healing. These painful moments are not obstacles; they are invitations. They are holy doorways into deeper connection with yourself, and with the Divine presence that lives at the core of your being—the loving presence that can melt and heal even the oldest frozen energy blocks.

Step 1: Get Honest About Your "Out"
When we're triggered, most of us try to escape the discomfort. I call these escape routes "outs." They're the default coping strategies we reach for when we feel overwhelmed. Which one is yours?

• Lash out: Do you blame the other person? Do you feel like if they just changed, you wouldn't have to feel this way?
• Numb out: Do you suddenly find yourself scrolling your phone, reaching for sugar, alcohol, weed, porn, shopping, anything to avoid the intensity?
• Check out: Do you retreat into your head? Analyze, explain, rationalize, instead of feeling the discomfort in your body? This one is subtle and can seem "mature," but it disconnects you from your heart and others.

Recognizing your "out" is essential. You might have more than one, but there's usually a primary one to watch closely. Once you recognize it, you can begin to catch it in the act. You might even ask yourself: "Wait, why am I aimlessly scrolling while craving ice cream on a Monday morning?"

Step 2: Catch the Trigger Early
To stop a trigger from hijacking you, you have to catch it before it floods you. The best way to do this is to develop a daily practice, one that includes scanning your body and observing your breath. When calm, relaxed breathing becomes your baseline, you're far more likely to notice when it suddenly shifts. That's often your first clue that a trigger is rising.

Body Scan: Let your awareness move through your body, from head to toe and back again. Feel what's there. What's happening in your belly, your chest, your throat? What's the texture of your energy field?

Where you feel contraction, prana (life energy) is no longer flowing freely. When your energy is contracted, you're less connected to your Higher Self and feel even more at the mercy of the other's actions or lack of same.

And if, at that moment, you can slow down, even slightly, soften your breath and body, you may be able to pause long enough to avoid falling into your habitual "out."

Step 3: Go In Instead of Out
Real healing begins when, instead of abandoning yourself, you choose to stay with yourself in your hour of need. That means going in, it means staying with the rawness. It means choosing love over avoidance and drama. Imagine how you would hold a hurting child: not with judgment or distraction, but with tenderness. You hold your own contracted pain with that kind of compassion.

Scan your body. Find the most contracted place in your energy field and lay a hand there. Breathe. And gently say: "I feel this. I notice. I'm here. I love you. I've got you."

If you have faith in a higher power, you might also call on the Divine to help you heal this: "Divine Loving Presence please fill me with your light, your love, hold me as I stay present with this pain inside. Help me release the contractions inside my body, let light flow freely through me."

Speak to yourself with genuine compassion. As you do, the contraction may soften and the urge to numb, lash, or check out may fade.

Then ask: How old is this feeling? You may discover that this contracted sensation in your body predates the current situation, by years or even decades. You may meet a much younger version of yourself, a part of you that felt abandoned, invisible, or unsafe. That energy is still inside, frozen in time. But your loving presence can begin to melt it.

As it melts, tears may come. Stay with it. Even if no memory surfaces, your loving presence is enough. Some inner children tell long stories. Others just need to be held. The healing isn't in the story. It's in the loving presence with which you stay.

You might already have a sense of where your current main trigger lives in your body. Even now, pause. Lay your hand where it feels tight. Imagine a radiant light flowing into the contraction. Whisper the words you've always longed to hear: "I love you. I'm here. I've got you. You're safe now. I'm not leaving."

This is the path.

Not to perfect behavior, but to deeper loving presence. Not to always be calm, but to always return to yourself. Your triggers aren't failures. They are sacred invitations to heal something that really needs your loving presence, something frozen that needs to thaw in the light of your inner radiance. Your triggers invite you to come home. To love yourself. To finally be the one who never leaves.

To go deeper with this healing path, Heal What Hurts offers an eight-step process that guides you into a daily rhythm of presence, compassion, and Divine connection. This is not just a set of tools, but a lived path, one that invites you to meet your triggers as sacred openings and to bring breath, body awareness, and Divine loving presence into the frozen emotional knots within. In the book, you'll learn to locate specific "trigger knots" in your body's energy field, uncover the scripts held within them, and offer the words and presence you've always longed to hear. With each step, you're not just calming your reactions, you're becoming someone new: a more compassionate, spiritually grounded version of yourself, one who responds from love instead of wounding. This spiritual journey is a homecoming to your truest self and The Divine Loving Presence that is always available within.

Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal. Copyright Llewellyn Worldwide, 2025. All rights reserved.

I was born on July 17, 1987. I have always been interested in spirituality and metaphysics. Lately I seem to have uncovered some repressed pain stemming from abusive experiences I had a few years ago during college. I had a series of encounters with controlling, sexually abusive men. I didn't seem to realize at the time how upside down my relationships were other than knowing I did not feel good anymore. I'm wondering if these difficult experiences were karmic lessons or if they were simply the unfortunate result of my own naivetÈ. Is this possibly leftover karma from a past incarnation? I've been told I spent more lifetimes in a male body, and now that I am female, I have brought karma with me from those other lifetimes. I want to regain the laughter, love of life, and magic that I used to feel so abundantly. What do you feel is blocking me from healing, and how can I go about feeling better? Thank you for all you do. I truly appreciate this website and your work.

Caroline

Astrea:

When I first started doing readings professionally, I was quite surprised at the number of smart, beautiful young women who went through exactly what you've described: abusive relationships with a series of controlling men. It was shocking to hear the horror stories of heartbreak, loneliness, and sometimes much, much worse! I undertook a lot of study on past lives and karma because that seemed to be the most likely explanation.

While it's possible that you were a horrible person in a past life, what you experienced in college would NOT be because you were male in that life. Karma follows us from one life to the next whether we're male or female. Also, beware the judgments and assumptions that may underlie the idea that men are the only abusers in relationships, for women can be just as abusive.

Just because we have been in male bodies before does NOT mean we have to suffer when we are then born as women. That sounds like an easy out some psychic readers might take when they don't have a lot to say and are looking to explain their clients problems and heartaches. It's too easy to say, Your bad luck is due to your past lives/karma/a curse on your family.

Not everything that happens is a result of karma. Bad things happen to good people because they need to learn and grow. We ALL make poor choices from time to time, and when we learn from them, we move on with our lives. If we always blame karma, we tend to feel like we have no control over what happens in our lives, which leaves us feeling like we're at the mercy of our own past life choices.

Instead of looking for what caused this or that to happen, I find it far more helpful to focus on what we have learned from our experiences. I can clearly feel the wisdom you gained from these abusive relationships, and you should be very proud of yourself for learning all you did and moving on to choose a higher level of experience. As soon as you realized that you weren't choosing the kind of man you wanted in your life, you moved up in Spiritual Awareness.

Since you are always you on a soul level, chances are good that the lives in which you were a man were very similar to this one. Each incarnation offers us whatever lessons we need to learn on a soul level regardless of our temporary gender.

As your soul progresses, you will naturally learn to be more sensitive, caring, and giving. You will learn NOT to dwell on the past but to welcome the future with open arms. Whether you're a man or a woman doesn't matter; what matters is that you stop being victimized and take control of creating what you want in your life by putting what you learn to good use.

*****

Susyn:

One of the biggest challenges we can face in life is getting past traumatic or abusive situations, whether they occurred in this lifetime, a past life, or both.

It is likely that the series of relationships you experienced in college were with men from your past lives, though the circumstances in those lives may have been different. For example, if you spent many lifetimes as a male, you may have encountered those men in battles or other conflicts of a violent nature.

The good news is that you now realize the abuse and pain you experienced and have no desire to repeat or continue this pattern. An important purpose of experiencing past life karma is to gain new insights and break patterns that we have been subject to for many lifetimes.

One thing to consider is that during these connections, you lost your sense of power. This is the reason you are having trouble regaining your sense of inner joy. You must regain your personal power and spiritual strength before your happiness will return.

Meditation is one powerful tool for reconnecting with your inner spirit and higher self, though any metaphysical practices you engage in can be helpful for bypassing past trauma and opening to the gifts of healing Spirit wants to bring you.

Make sure you are meditating twice a day for at least 15 minutes at a sitting. The more you meditate, the more you will begin to feel your joy return. Focus on restoring your personal power first and foremost. Ask Spirit to direct you in overcoming old issues and traumas.

While you meditate, it's a good idea to surround yourself with the color yellow, as this is the color that rules the solar plexus chakra and your source of personal power. You can dress in yellow, add yellow candles and gemstones to your meditation space, and even eat yellow food before or after your meditation.

It is also important to deal with this current life trauma by clearing out the abusive memories. Physical abuse can get held on a cellular level and create subconscious fears or blocks. If you are interested in counseling, you might find a therapist who uses a method called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).

This is one of the most effective tools for healing post-traumatic stress disorder. This system uses a series of lights to reprogram your body and release old pain. It is one of the fastest ways to heal and release the type of abuse you've experienced.

I wish you all the best as you move away from this difficult place. Rest assured that you are on your way out of it already. The suggestions here should speed up the process so you can get back to enjoying your life again.

Astrea:

Many times in life we hear, "You will always have what you NEED, but not necessarily what you WANT." Your spirit must have needed to experience the feeling of leaving your human body, and the suggestion in the next chapter of Sylvia Brown's book was all it took to get you there.

Even though you hadn't read it yet, your SOUL recognized the title of that chapter as something it had been seeking, and your soul, knowing that you had that reference to read after your experience, got with it and out you went!

While I don't usually recommend her books, Sylvia Brown has a wide reaching and powerful effect on lots of people. A Gemini like you would be able to relate easily to her writing and put it to good use. Synchronicity - you gotta love it!

I like your description of "getting caught." That's exactly what it feels like, isn't it? One minute you're free and hovering above the room, and the next minute, ZAP! back down into your corporeal form you go!

As a little kid, I loved that "feeling of return." With practice, most of the time we can control that event, but sometimes, when our physical ears hear a distracting noise or something else occurs to knock us back into reality, back we go. With practice you will be able to control your return better.

I find it interesting that you were visiting your mother-in-law and not someone in your own genetic family. Evidently, you and your husband got married for reasons that are even deeper than love. His family's interest in "psychic stuff" will nurture your children in such matters and help them to grow into their own abilities.

You'll never have to be concerned that when your daughter visits them, she'll be discouraged from exploring her own psychic life and power. My parents encouraged me to develop my psychic senses in a time when it wasn't nice to even discuss such things in public. Heck, it's STILL not considered a great topic at the dinner table in some families!

Your kids will get to talk about it ALL and ask questions and read and study. This is going to give them such an edge in life! Talk with your husband about how you want to present this to your kiddos, so that you are united in your approach and ready to tell them their experiences are all natural and okay.

A word or two of warning: Geminis often have difficulty staying grounded in REAL LIFE. Don't get so strung out on your ASTRAL life that you neglect what you're doing here on Earth.

You are at the beginning of a long journey to learn where your power really lies. Try to be patient with this process and take your time.