Elevating Sex into Authentic Soul Union
An Excerpt from Holy Love by Elisa Romeo, MFT, and Adam Foley
Most people believe sex begins in the bedroom, but sex begins with the energetic relationship we cultivate in our daily lives. Soul sex doesn’t start when he leans forward to kiss her but when he takes out the trash. Soul sex is not initiated when she takes off her clothes but when she lights up as he walks through the door. Talking, sitting together in silence, and going for a walk can all be forms of energetic preparation for Soul sex. Any activity can set the energetic mood, so to speak, if we are present, intimate, and in a state of unconditional love together. This may sound simple enough, yet couples rarely are emotionally available to bask in a state of absolute acceptance and unconditionality. If we cannot reach this state in our daily lives, we certainly cannot attain it in the bedroom. But we can build up to this state of being through what we like to call unconditional foreplay.
Unconditional foreplay consists of daily acts, no matter how small, done with pure love. These acts show our partners — and convince their nervous system — that they are safe and cared for. These small, yet powerful, loving acts slowly permit our partner to enter a state of receiving true love. Our acts of love are defined, not by what we do, but by how we do them.
What may look externally like an unconditional act may in truth be conditional. If we are motivated by codependency, needing approval or seeking an emotional reward from our partner, our action remains conditional, and so does our sex. The difference has everything to do with intention, with the energy underlying the act. For instance, if we buy flowers for our partner because we are motivated by the desire for approval, it is a conditional (or inherently fear-based) act. We are giving them a gift in exchange for affection; it is an attempt to purchase love. We may even get upset with our partner if they do not like the flowers or they do not give us the egoic validation we want. Conditional love has rules and expectations.
But this same act, while looking identical on the outside, can also be motivated by Soul’s unadulterated love. In unconditional acts, we celebrate our love. We do not ask our partners to be personal stewards of approval; rather, we give love freely. We do not love our partners merely because they make us feel good but because we see and champion the unique beauty of their Souls. In unconditional relationship we do not addictively chase a particular feeling but rejoice in another’s simple existence. We do not attempt to control our partner’s feelings so that we feel better ourselves; we simply love, endlessly.
If we want to elevate sex into authentic Soul union, we must start by living authentically, as Soul, in daily relationship. Our sexual issues of disconnection do not originate or heal in the bedroom but in the daily minutiae of our lives. If we want Holy Love to visit us in bed, we must nurture it outside of the bedroom. Couples often live in an ego-to-ego relationship all day long and then feel disappointed when they don’t have meaningful, mind-blowing sex at night. This leads couples to assume they have physical intimacy issues when in truth their discord is a result of avoiding emotional intimacy in their everyday interactions. The old Zen saying “How you do one thing is how you do everything” teaches us to be mindful of how we show up in all areas of our lives. If, at 5 p.m., we ask our partner in a rushed and urgent manner about the details of the bank account, at 10 p.m. the bedroom vibe will most likely be rushed and urgent. To enter an unconditional state of union, we must use spiritual information paired with real-world action.
Many of us have blocks to receiving Holy Love, especially if we were neglected, abandoned, or rejected in relationships before. Daily acts of unconditional love allow even the deepest wounds of intimacy to heal. Such acts calm our base emotional needs — such as the need for safety — while bringing down to earth the spiritual potential of Holy Love. The result is a mutual spiritual trust that deepens over time. In the words of the famed theologian Beatrice Bruteau, “Love seeks the ultimately real.” This real truth is found, Bruteau writes, by “an outflowing action of loving another person.” When we create the environment of love within our relationships, we open space for the Soul to come forth.
We do not necessarily need unconditional foreplay to have Soul sex. At times Soul may possess us with love. Soul may find a window in which our wounds are not triggered, anxiety is low, and hearts are open. But these moments are dependent on circumstance. If we wish to have a conscious and regular practice of Soul sex, we must begin by implementing loving actions in our relationship. When we see through the eyes of Soul in intimate relationship, every action (or lack of action) carries weight. Every act in relationships is either spiritual foreplay (increasing the ability to receive unconditionality) or distancing (increasing the belief in conditionality). From this vantage point, any time spent together becomes an opportunity for unconditional foreplay.
Elisa Romeo, MFT, and Adam Foley are the authors of Holy Love: The Essential Guide to Soul-Fulfilling Relationships and cohosts of the Holy & Human Podcast. Together, they help individuals awaken and deepen their soulful nature within relationship. Visit them online at holyandhuman.com.
Excerpted from the book from Holy Love: The Essential Guide to Soul-Fulfilling Relationships. Copyright ©2022 by Elisa Romeo, MFT, and Adam Foley. Printed with permission from New World Library.