I’m generally a very kind, spiritual person, and I always try to do the right thing in relationships. Lately, however, I find myself growing really impatient and irritable. Lots of little things get on my nerves, and I just want to be alone – to have some peace, quiet and space. I’m tired of the commotion of raising teenagers, and of constantly being the giver in most relationships. For example, I always strive to be kind, understanding, and generous with my stepdaughter, but she certainly doesn’t make the same effort in return. I’m struggling to remain tolerant, sweet and patient, but I feel burned out. I know there’s a spiritual issue or lesson in all of this for me, but I’m not sure what it is. Do I need to try harder to overcome my bristling ego, or give myself permission to do my own thing?
– Rhonda
Dreamchaser:
There were two things that jumped out at me immediately upon reading your question. The first is that little word but.
This is a very tricky word. Our minds react in interesting ways to certain words, and but
is a big one.
When we hear it, our minds automatically cross out whatever came before it and believe only what is said after it. I would like you to reread your question and remove everything you wrote before but.
She does not make the same effort, I feel burned out, and I’m not sure what it is. That puts a new spin on things, doesn’t it? This is your bottom line: Your stepdaughter has NEVER made the same effort. Your whole entire life burns you out. You are not sure what is wrong, but you know something is.
Of course, your stepdaughter is a teenager, and teenagers are the most ungrateful brood in the universe. They lie, they get in trouble, they eat all your food, they ride out all your gas. They are angry with you something like 75 percent of the time. It is a completely thankless job being a (step)parent to a teenager – that goes with the territory.
The second thing that jumped out is about how you need to set some better boundaries. You aren’t sure how to do that with your stepdaughter – because she’s not your own child, you’re not sure where to draw the line with her.
Here’s the line you’re looking for: If something she is doing is making your life miserable, you have the right to try to change or stop this from affecting you so much. You need to set boundaries with her and stick to them. You should expect for her to fight you, because she fights you on everything anyway.
If you need peace, quiet and space, then by all means, get some for yourself. When my kids were younger, we lived in a place that had no doors except on the bedrooms. My room was the loft, so I had no door at all. I used to go in the bathroom, turn on the shower, and sit on the side of the tub just to get some peace and quiet.
You have to take time for yourself or you will wither and become ill. It’s your sacred duty to take care of yourself. If you expect anyone else to take care of you, you will be let down time and time again.
Just because you are a spiritual person doesn’t mean that your life will be trouble-free. You get to choose how you react to every single thing that happens around you and to you. This is one important reason why you must get the peace and quiet you need – it will help you remain centered so you can respond appropriately to life’s endless little dramas.
I wish you calm peace on all levels.
*****
Astrea:
I bet all mothers and stepmothers yearn for more time and space to themselves. Growing children are the most demanding people on Earth, but they can also be the most rewarding. Stepparents of teens have an especially difficult time because of the bad rap they get in fairy tales and the modern equivalent: television and the movies.
One major difficulty in that relationship is that no one can clearly establish who you are in each other’s lives. You’re her daddy’s wife and she’s your husband’s daughter, but the relationship you have with one another is not so easily defined.
I assume she has a Biological Unit (a birth mother) who further complicates things. It’s a rare blended family that doesn’t have resentment come up now and then. Teens normally rebel against anyone and everyone who wants the best for them – that’s just the way they are.
Your step-daughter can’t help being who she is any more than you can change who you are. She’s going through her own private teenage hell, and we all have to do that alone.
She can’t set good boundaries for herself in her current state of mind, and you can’t be expected to do that either. That’s a job for her mother and father. You two can be friends if you want, but you don’t have to be.
On a practical note, if the stuff that bothers you doesn’t make sense, maybe there is something else going on. I recommend you go to the doctor and get a blood test to make sure YOUR hormones are balanced. In particular, make the doctor check your thyroid.
Your situation with being easily irritated sounds familiar. When our hormones are out of whack, it becomes far more difficult to maintain balanced emotional reactions, so rule out the chance that this is a physical problem. Both emotional and physical balance is important, and your body may be trying to tell you something.
Finally, look for the spiritual connection you have with your stepchild, because there definitely is one – you wouldn’t be with her dad unless the three of you had some kind of karma together. By finding that deeper connection, you and your step-daughter can learn to enjoy one another instead of getting on each other’s nerves all the time.
Of course, you should also give yourself permission to do your own thing sometimes. You are absolutely NOT required to limit your own life for someone else’s children even when they are in your care, so do what you love to do.
Also, the next time someone says, Well you knew what you were getting into when you married him!
you have my permission to give them the dirtiest look possible!