I'm struggling with something that is deeply personal in nature. I've been married for 11 years now, and we have three children. About seven years ago, I had an affair. After a while, we broke it off because we didn't want to hurt anyone. Since then, however, I've gone from one affair to another. I feel I'm searching for something, but I don't know what it is. I hate that I'm doing this, but I can't seem to stop. I love my husband and he loves me, but I still feel like something really essential is missing. I know that being dishonest and "cheating" is wrong, but it feels like a deeper, truer part of myself - my soul or spirit - is insisting that I seek something more. I'm hoping you can help me figure out what I'm searching for and how I can find it. Thank you!
- T.
Dreamchaser:
Basically, you are seeking unconditional love. It is something you have never known, felt or experienced.
Though you are looking high and low, trying to fulfill this deep need for unconditional love, you are never going to find it outside of yourself. You think that the affairs are going to bring it to you, but they are not.
You need to find this divine love inside of yourself. Finding personal unconditional love inside of yourself is a matter of knowing you are enough just the way you are, that you don't have to change or become more or better or anything like that. You have worth and value just because you are who you really are, not because of what you do or don't do.
What you want is that higher power/Christ Energy - whatever term you want to use. It is available to everyone, but each of us must find our own way to access it. It is called many things, but in essence, it is the spirit of unconditional love.
Sadly, very few people actually find it, but practically everyone will try one way or another to chase after it.
You know you are walking on a tightrope here. It's only a matter of time before you lose everything you value most in your life. You will lose your family, and you won't gain anything as wonderful in return.
You want people in your life to show you unconditional love because you do not have it inside of yourself FOR yourself. Unless you find it inside, you will be on an endless search for it, and move from man to man, relationship to relationship.
I recommend you take one day a week if possible, or at least 15 minutes a day, and do something just for you that demonstrates love for yourself. You are always doing for everyone else in your house. Do something just for you. That is a good way to start.
I also recommend you buy a book called Living Through the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant. It's sort of a workbook, and it will really help you get to the crux of your issues with love and self-worth.
Now we need to address the negative stuff you feel about yourself. Guilt and self-hate are huge soul eaters. They are like termites of the soul. You feel elated when you meet a new man and start a new relationship, but very soon the shine wears off and you get to feeling bad again.
Then you look at your family and feel deep guilt. As the excitement starts to wear off the new relationship, it peters out, and then you start the cycle again.
Having these affairs only makes you feel good in the moment. What you're looking for in these affairs is a way to be truly happy. That's what your soul is seeking. I think that is why you came here looking for answers.
Get that book and take some time for yourself so you can figure out things you REALLY love to do.
I wish you TRUE peace and contentment.
*****
Astrea:
I don't think you're looking for someone to tell you what you're doing is wrong, or to judge you for doing it, either. You've already decided and judged yourself.
Trying to soothe yourself with the idea that some "message from Spirit" is causing you to have affairs isn't going to help you stop. While it's easy to give in to the feeling that this is "bigger" than you are, and something you seek because you are SUPPOSED to, that doesn't make it right. What you are doing is wrong TO your husband and bad FOR you.
If in a past life you were part of a harem, or a prostitute or a priestess, and the behavior is still in your spirit, it might explain your compulsion to keep having these affairs. When I look, I can't find ANY connection like that for you, however.
If you try past life regression with someone who knows their stuff, you may find a recurring theme in your past lives that sheds light on this. Otherwise, you're just having affairs because it's become a compulsion. Perhaps you feel the need to misbehave because you need to keep guilt alive and well in your life.
From your question, I can tell that you are an intelligent, caring woman. It's okay to be bored in your marriage. It's sad, but it happens all the time. It is NOT okay for a woman who is responsible for three children to have affair after affair with ANYONE, especially these days.
Even if your husband was a horrible person, he wouldn't deserve to be treated this way. Your children deserve the best you can give them, and you do too! Of course you love your husband and you don't want a divorce. You don't want to put him, your children or yourself through that trauma.
One PROBLEM is you don't feel fulfilled in your relationship with him, and I don't know how you can change that, since he doesn't fulfill you in a "soulful" way.
You say you broke off the affair seven years ago because the two of you didn't want to hurt anyone. Well, YOU are hurt! You're STILL hurting yourself with these affairs as surely as if you were obsessed with any other kind of self-destructive behavior.
You've made cheating your lifestyle all these years, so it's become a HABIT. Like smoking or drinking alcohol, bad habits can be extremely hard to break.
You're not searching for authentic love - you're giving in to an addiction.
Because you KNOW it's wrong, it's VERY wrong for you. No matter what it takes, you have to stop.
I'm not qualified to diagnose such a thing, but from what you say, it sounds like sex addiction is your real problem. Based on what I was able to read about it, this can be caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain or some trauma you suffered in childhood.
That sort of problem requires professional help, so get into therapy before it's too late.
Astrea:
Many times in life we hear, "You will always have what you NEED, but not necessarily what you WANT." Your spirit must have needed to experience the feeling of leaving your human body, and the suggestion in the next chapter of Sylvia Brown's book was all it took to get you there.
Even though you hadn't read it yet, your SOUL recognized the title of that chapter as something it had been seeking, and your soul, knowing that you had that reference to read after your experience, got with it and out you went!
While I don't usually recommend her books, Sylvia Brown has a wide reaching and powerful effect on lots of people. A Gemini like you would be able to relate easily to her writing and put it to good use. Synchronicity - you gotta love it!
I like your description of "getting caught." That's exactly what it feels like, isn't it? One minute you're free and hovering above the room, and the next minute, ZAP! back down into your corporeal form you go!
As a little kid, I loved that "feeling of return." With practice, most of the time we can control that event, but sometimes, when our physical ears hear a distracting noise or something else occurs to knock us back into reality, back we go. With practice you will be able to control your return better.
I find it interesting that you were visiting your mother-in-law and not someone in your own genetic family. Evidently, you and your husband got married for reasons that are even deeper than love. His family's interest in "psychic stuff" will nurture your children in such matters and help them to grow into their own abilities.
You'll never have to be concerned that when your daughter visits them, she'll be discouraged from exploring her own psychic life and power. My parents encouraged me to develop my psychic senses in a time when it wasn't nice to even discuss such things in public. Heck, it's STILL not considered a great topic at the dinner table in some families!
Your kids will get to talk about it ALL and ask questions and read and study. This is going to give them such an edge in life! Talk with your husband about how you want to present this to your kiddos, so that you are united in your approach and ready to tell them their experiences are all natural and okay.
A word or two of warning: Geminis often have difficulty staying grounded in REAL LIFE. Don't get so strung out on your ASTRAL life that you neglect what you're doing here on Earth.
You are at the beginning of a long journey to learn where your power really lies. Try to be patient with this process and take your time.