Is NOT reconnecting with father a harmful decision?
I recently decided to meet my estranged father. I’ve had no relationship with him throughout my childhood and adolescence. I need desperately to find him so I can release and heal the anger, rejection and abandonment issues that have been blocking me from creating healthy relationships. Now that I have opened that door, fear and uncertainty are preventing me from having a relationship with this man. We are both Aquarians (I was born January 30, and he was born February 12). Will this decision to not have a relationship with him have a negative effect on my romantic relationships with men and my ability to create happiness in life? Please help me – I would love to hear your insights.
Dreamchaser:
Honey Bee, I want to thank you SO much for this question. In doing my own soul work and healing, I came across a concept that just blew me away. Here it is: When we are growing up, we are taught how to have a relationship with the opposite sex by the parent of that gender. For example, my father always held open doors, pulled out chairs, etc. I grew up believing that all men should treat all women in that manner. To this day, I will not open a door as long as a man is around.
On the flip side, my father was a workaholic and would often break promises because of work. From this I unconsciously began to believe that if I couldn’t trust my father, I couldn’t trust any man. As soon as I became conscious of that belief, I started to look back over my love life. I saw that I expected a man to let me down or hurt me because my father did. I did not have any example of “good” behavior from a man, and as a result, I did not expect it. If you can see the same thing and realize that your father should not be your model for all male behavior, then you can get past the baggage and issues that go along with that. (By the way, this works for ALL relationships, not just father/ daughter dynamics)
As for connecting with your father, I do not want you to romanticize some meeting where everything becomes instantly wonderful. I think you two can forge a new relationship, and you will have to start from scratch if there is to be any chance of you having any type of relationship with him.
Any negative feelings you are carrying are not going to be instantly erased. Forgiveness starts in our own souls. You do not have to meet this man to be able to forgive him. You just need to start looking back over experiences from your childhood. Take each experience and relive it, so to speak. Stop seeing it from small child eyes and start seeing it from a grown-up perspective. You will see that NONE of it was your fault, and you truly were powerless. Once you start to see your father and his behavior as human, then you can slowly start to forgive.
For example, my dad did not mean to hurt my feelings so badly by missing my events. He simply felt he was doing the right thing by working and providing for us. I can forgive his non-attendance NOW, because I see he felt he was doing what was right. When I was small, however, I felt that I was not important enough for Dad to make time. See? You do the same, and you will be able to forgive.
I wish you and your father a love-filled relationship from here on out.
+++++
Astrea:
You are not your father. Your life was shaped without his influence. If you can meet him and take him for the person he has BECOME since you were conceived, you’ll learn a few things. If nothing else, you’ll learn about your own capacity for TOLERANCE. It’ll be worth it to at least mmet him without fear.
As an Aquarius and a Dual Sign, I’m sure you’ve weighed all the pros and cons of meeting your estranged father. I don’t think that avoiding him is going to affect your relationships with men throughout your life anymore than it already has. Meeting him and dealing with all the hurt and resentment you’ve felt all your life should actually FREE YOU from that. It’s important to remember that everyone has issues and baggage. The men you might be involved with will have their share of that stuff too. Everyone is an INDIVIDUAL. Keep that in mind throughout this reconnection with Dad.
You seem like an open person who is able to take people for who they are. That open, accepting Aquarian attitude is something lots of us would love to master. Meeting Dad doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll develop a deep, meaningful relationship with him, but you have to know some things, kiddo. You say you “desperately need to find him” to resolve some of the issues you have been carrying around with you since you were a little kid. Do that! Find him, meet him, THEN decide. Reconnecting with him carefully might not HELP, but it surely won’t HURT you spiritually!
Remember that he too has a lot of guilt and fear coming into this. He doesn’t have a clue who you are, either! It’s going to take some courage on his part to hear some of the things you feel you need to say. You have to give him some credit for his willingness to even try, but since he’s also an Aquarius, it shouldn’t surprise you. Just remember, fear is useless. You can’t eat it, wear it, or spend it. By talking to your Dad, however, you may develop a new relationship, and it could be GREAT!
Go ahead, open the door. Find out what he’s like. NOT knowing is worse.
The idea of developing a relationship with someone like him is strange indeed, but it’s the right thing to get to know him, hear his side of the story (there are always two!) and then make an EDUCATED decision about the place he can or can’t have in your life. Your Spirit is STRONG, and you have Guides and Angels who will counsel you when that time comes. Remember, it takes about two years to really get to know a person, even a relative if you’ve had little or no involvement growing up.