I have three kids, nearly all grown. Two are in their twenties and have left the nest, and my youngest is a teen and will be off on his own before too long. Suddenly I find myself facing the future with no idea who I am supposed to be or what I am supposed to do. I've talked to other women about this issue, and we all agree that modern parenthood seems very deceptive in many ways. We spend years putting our kids first, devoting tremendous time and energy to them, and often get little but heartache in return. Then one day they leave and never look back. I'm wondering if our modern absorption with our children is distorted - if we do too much and expect too much from the whole experience. What would a "natural spiritual" relationship with one's children look like?
 R.
Dreamchaser:
I have two teenagers myself, so I can relate to various aspects of your question. The part that concerns me is you saying that you "often get little but heartache in return." I am truly sorry you feel that way.
I take a little of this and a little of that when it comes to organized religion, and then formulate what works for me. Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, who changed his name to Osho later in his life, is one person I learn from. He was a teacher/ guru whom many believe was an ascended master.
His advice on raising children was to teach them what society says is right and wrong, then step back and let them choose their own way, because they will anyway. You can lose sleep; pull your hair out; yell, scream, and argue; but that child will still do what that child will do.
I think that as spiritual beings, we have to understand that souls have a path that they must follow. We choose lessons to learn before we arrive on earth. We have certain things we must do in this life to learn those lessons.
If what your children are doing does not align with what you think is "right," you need to find peace in faith that they are simply being true to themselves. In being troublesome, that child is stretching her soul and learning and growing.
I know it's easier for me to say this and for others to passively hear it than to actually live it. I often ask parents who are complaining about staying up all night waiting for kids to get home, or parents who are so upset they can't eat or sleep because of something their kid is up to, "What good is that doing?" I think deep down we all know that this sort of behavior from parents does nothing to change, help or fix the situation. If anything, it just adds more negative energy to the circumstances.
Let's also remember that in the past, children got married and started their own families at a much younger age. We have to deal with our children as children for a longer period of time than any other society I have learned about in history.
I think you are also experiencing the anticipation of "empty nest syndrome." We women define ourselves by our families. When our children are doing their own thing and we no longer have an active, central role, where does that leave us? Who are we?
It's time for you to redefine yourself. For the most part, you now have the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want. So what did you long to do back when you were strapping your kids in car seats or driving them to sporting events? Find some new passions now that you are free.
I wish you fresh experiences.
*****
Astrea:
I've been extremely lucky to experience what I think you mean by "spiritual parenting." My mother and father have been unfaltering in their support of every path I've chosen. They've defended me in a deep and meaningful way when others criticized me.
As I was growing up, my parents not only talked to me, they listened to me too. They guided me without directing or lecturing. They taught me crafting skills, some of which were very ancient and deeply spiritual experiences, like spinning and weaving. They introduced me to great art and books, and took me to see ballet, modern and folk dancing. They let me paint with them when I was quite small, which was a wonderful bonding experience. They taught me to be an independent thinker and to take care of myself.
From them I learned about God and how the forces of nature work in God's world. I learned about different religions. From my mother's family, I learned magic and spell making. From Daddy's, I learned ancient healing techniques. Every person in my immediate family had some natural spiritual wisdom to offer me as a child.
They are still answering my questions. My grandparents have all crossed over but they still visit and teach me things. Sometimes it's a little hint about something I'm creating. Recently, Daddy's mother taught me a trick or two about applique, but there were other things in that "visit" as well. Mother's mother is often around to gently warn me when I'm not paying attention to something.
In general, I feel there is an openness about these relationships that is very wise. Spiritual parenting is more than just feeling it; it's giving your children a way to practically apply their spirituality. You mention that you get very little in return from your children. Perhaps they feel, as I do, that nothing they could do would ever repay you for the loving care you've given them. I know if I live to be 100, I can't express the full meaning of what my parents have given me. My gratitude for all they gave me to do and learn is boundless.
It's not about the money or the clothes or the cars, or anything material. It's about teaching and learning and sharing and listening. That's how you can be a spiritual parent. Teach your children what you know to be right, and listen to what they know too. Spirit is everywhere, and will join you in that endeavor, no matter how grown up your kids seem to be, or how distant you feel at the moment.
Experience and explore life together. Love is the heart of a great family; give them love and the courage to face the world.