I’ve got a family situation I hope you can shed some spiritual light on. Two years ago when my father was terminally ill, I questioned the way one of my siblings was not helping. She would visit then conveniently leave before it was time to bathe Dad and get him to bed. Because my husband and I live next door, we were expected to be there, and 99 percent of the time we were. We helped without question and without complaint. In fact, we moved here specifically to take care of him, and we never shirked that duty or regretted our decision. Anyway, on one occasion I asked my sister why she couldn’t stay to help, and since then, I’ve been rejected by my family. They don’t invite us to family functions, they don’t wave when they see me, they have family holidays and parties without us. Spirit tells me to just get over it and I’m trying, but it’s hard not to be hurt by their actions. My mother should be the take-charge person who tells them to grow up, but she refuses to say a word. She’s a Libra and is too wishy-washy to take a stand. I have tried to extend the olive branch, but with no luck. I’ve invited them here and they don’t respond or never show up. I’ve emailed to tell them that we should just let bygones be bygones and start fresh, and the very next email I got was from my sister, who said in no uncertain terms that I am no longer allowed to buy her child a Christmas gift. This is crazy! I’m an Aquarius, and the siblings involved are one Leo, one Pisces and one Libra. Any insight you could provide would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Grace
Dreamchaser:
Grace, there is so much more to this story than you had room to mention in your question. It goes back to your early childhood and continues from there. The truth is that, obviously, lines have been drawn in the sand.
I do have a suggestion: Stop trying. You and your family are never going to get along. You never have, and you never will. You feel used and abused because you were the one who took care of your dad, and you feel that the situation there is indicative of your whole life. You feel like you have had to do everything while your sisters just ran around doing whatever they wanted to do.
Do you really want to go to family functions? I think not. When you were invited you sometimes would not go, and you complained about the ones you did have to go to. So take this situation as a gift, for now you do not have to show up and you can do your own thing.
You see your mother as wishy-washy, but she really is just being a Libra. She is trying to find and maintain balance, not only in the family, but also inside of herself. She can’t stand how the family has turned out. She is not going to take sides, however. She understands both sides. You only understand your side, and your sister only understands her side. Your mother can see more clearly than you give her credit for. You are angry with her for not taking your side. You feel like she has done this throughout your life. This, however, is the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Obviously your entire family has shared much drama and trauma, and for things to work, you all would need to do a few things. First, individual and family counseling is highly recommended. Second, everyone (including you) is going to have to get over themselves and their egos and get real. You think you are 100 percent in the right, but in truth, every other family member feels the same way about their own stance, so you have a whole pack of indignant people thinking their way is the only way. Since the whole family will never go to counseling and never admit that their stance may not be perfect, I think you should choose to just stop trying.
You have friends who are wonderful to you, and you are happy in your life. Why do you need to let family make you miserable? Just because someone shares our blood does not mean we have to like them; sometimes those people hurt us the most. I think that is the case with your family. Accept how things are, and seek grace and happiness outside of your bloodline.
I wish you balance in your own life.
*****
Astrea:
Family dynamics are difficult to understand. Your family is being very small and petty. They are jealous of your ability to be so giving and capable, and of your relationship with your parents. They wanted stuff from your parents, but they didn’t want to do anything to earn it, so now they are too embarrassed to face you.
It’s easy for them to pretend to be angry with you and to shut you out. You remind all of them that they did nothing but shirk their duty to help you take care of your dad. I’ve seen this happen in families over and over again. It is horrible for you and your husband. Your sister pulled a power play in the family to cut you out of everything, and she did it out of pure spite.
If you really only mentioned this once to your sister, they were all just looking for an excuse to cut you out of their lives. The others look to her (and always have) for leadership. They are sheep. They fear her because she has your mother so fooled — plus they still want their stuff. Your sister has made it clear to them that anyone who sides with you will be cut out of everything. She is so controlling and manipulative that all of the others are afraid to cross her, for fear she will cut them out of the family too.
I’m glad that you understand your mother’s passive Libra attitude. She can’t bring herself to create any conflict, even on her own behalf. She is so afraid that something might happen to you, and the rest of them would desert her, and you know what? She’s right! If you aren’t there, the second that she is too old, they will slam her into a nursing home as quickly as possible so that they are able to take over! While it’s hard to keep being so unappreciated by the rest of the family, you can soothe yourself with the knowledge that at least you love your parents enough to do the right thing.
Spirit is telling you to get over it. That is exactly what you need to try to do for now. Don’t worry: When your mother can no longer care for herself, they’ll expect you to do that too, so they’ll have to include you then. At that time, you can decide if you want to let these selfish, mean people back into your harmony.
The saddest part of all this is that I know you love them all. I wish they knew the value of that love too. Some of them will realize, as time goes by, that at the expense of your life and happiness, you paid for their freedom from worrying about your folks. For the ones who don’t, well, there is always the next incarnation!