My husband passed away two years ago. We were all crushed, but slowly moved on. I had to get a job and we had to move, as he had no life insurance. I have three sons, but they’re out of high school and into college or beyond now. This past January, Donnie, a man I work with lost his wife. We have become very friendly and talk on the phone almost daily. I have gone over to his house to eat several times. I truly feel like Donnie is interested in me. I know I am in him. I almost feel like his wife and my husband might even be helping us along at times, like giving him the courage to call me nearly every day that first month, with me not once picking up the phone to call him. Right now we’re just friends. We’ve never even kissed. Do you think I am wasting my time, or does he, as I believe, just need more time to heal?
One reason I think he may be the one for me is I used to feel my husband around me so much, and now hardly feel him with me at all, almost like he’s taking a back seat since I have gotten so friendly with Donnie. I know he still misses his wife a lot; we often talk of her and my husband. I also miss my hubby, but life goes on, and I am thinking Donnie may be my chance for happiness, and me his chance. What do you think of all these signs? Does he just need time to heal his grief, or have I perhaps been sent to help him through this difficult time? My birth date is 10-28-55. His is 08-21-58. Thank you for your time and help in advance, even if you decide not to answer this.
Kathy
Dreamchaser:
Kathy, you must pay attention to Donnie’s actions. Men often communicate more with their actions than their words, but we women think they are saying something else. He obviously is not ready for a relationship yet, or you two would be in one. He has kept this platonic because that is what he needs right now. He is so grateful to have someone who understands his loss and his pain. Yes, many people lose spouses, but you two are relatively young for that to happen. You are part of his support system and a very good friend.
You are not feeling your husband around you very much anymore because time is passing. You do not need him there as much now. He is getting much more acclimated to being on the otherside. When you made friends with Donny, your husband realized that you were “coming around the bend”, so to speak, so he backed off some. That does not mean that he is doing some celestial maneuvers to make Donnie become your new man. It just means that time is passing, and you do not need him as much anymore.
I think that you two are a source of friendship and strength for each other. I do not see a romantic connection. I think that you are exactly what he needed and will continue to need, as you and he will remain friends. In turn, by giving you his friendship and by allowing you to help him, he has alleviated much of your suffering. So you can see how you helped each other. The friendship will grow and continue and you could be life-long friends if you choose to foster this friendship.
I do think you have new love coming into your life. I think your focus was first on your family, then on your own healing, then on functioning in the world alone, and now it is on Donnie. Once you open up to the idea that it could be more than Donnie, you will have new men coming into your life practically in droves. You are an attractive, independent, intelligent, together woman. You are a catch! Men will see that and act accordingly.
You can have new and good love in your life, Kathy; all you have to do is open up to it. Dating after a death is very difficult. Part of you feels as if you are cheating. Donnie is easy and comfortable. He seems like the logical choice, but he is not for you. So pull out your prettiest dress, find the shoes that go with it, and ask the universe for the right man. Then sit back, believe he will come, and wait. He will be along shortly.
I wish you a lifetime of smiles.
*****
Astrea:
I feel that you and Donnie have been brought together by one of the most forceful emotions in life: Grief. No matter what brings two lonely people together, it is wonderful when it happens. Right now you’re friends, but this will grow into a different kind of relationship if you can give it time to do so.
Your husband is taking a back seat to this situation. He is also moving on with his life. I believe that the time has come for him to move on in his celestial time. After the first year, when we’ve had time to examine our earthly incarnation, if we’ve been the kind of person we wanted to be, we move on with our next step, and that is life in heaven.
Your husband is still interested in what happens to you, and will always be around if you need him, but he’s trying to move on too. It’s wonderful that you found Donnie so that you don’t hinder him in his own journey to God. We’ll all be making that trip someday, and it is comforting to know that our loved ones are there to help us do that.
Right about now, your husband is seeing friends and relatives who have gone before him into the light. He’s got a big “welcoming committee” there, and he will be busy for a while.
Donnie needs more time to get over the death of his wife. They were married a long time, and you remember what it was like for you the first year after your husband was gone. Give him the time he needs. Support him during that time. Be there with him and for him as much as you possibly can, and friendship will turn to love in another year. I know you’re there already, but he isn’t.
As strange as it sounds, big, strong men are not as resilient as women, and don’t have the same kind of perception of death as we do. To most men, it isn’t a natural process. Donnie is a Leo. They fight for survival here so much that they don’t really think about or understand what is going on afterwards, beyond the veil. Nurture him through his difficult time as best you can.
I don’t see his wife involved in this at all, or feel that she is giving any thought to his love life now that she has crossed over. She isn’t working for this or blocking it. The two of you are pretty much on your own in this relationship, so enjoy each other and make the most of it. Don’t try to involve people who have gone on before you or imagine that anyone else has a hand in this. This can work out perfectly between just the two of you without any celestial help or Interference.