Last year I met a really nice guy. We seemed to get on very well, and I thought we had fallen in love. Our connection is very passionate and intense. A lot of bad things have happened between us, however, and we now have a love/hate relationship. When we're getting along, it's absolutely amazing. When he ignores me, I feel like killing myself. I feel like I've known him forever, and don't want to live without him. The few times I've forced myself to walk away, however, he has eventually sought me out and begged in desperation for me to take him back. The highs are the highest I've ever known, but the lows are also the lowest. What is going on here? I feel like this relationship will be the death of me! I want off of this roller coaster ride. Thank you!
- Helen
Dreamchaser:
Here's what's going on: you are a Love Addict. You desire safety, acceptance, passion and security. Your greatest fear is abandonment. You also have an underlying fear of being in a HEALTHY relationship, because you do not know what one is. You have never seen a clear example of a healthy relationship, and don't know how to be in one.
You obsess about the man in your life, whoever he may be at the time. You think about him constantly. You talk about him to your friends all the time. You act out in anger and revenge when you feel abandoned by him. You look for that "instant closeness" in a relationship. You idealize your man.
You get high off the fantasy of love. You deny how "walled up" he is. You end things, get back together, feel HIGH from the renewal, and then repeat the process over and over and over. Your sense of self-esteem is not founded from within, but instead, it is based on what your partner thinks about you or what is happening in the relationship. When you feel a need for more intensity, in order to get some kind of reaction from your partner, you will become distant, shut down and abandon the relationship.
There are support groups and therapy programs designed for Love Addicts. I think that you should look into getting some type of help before you enter into another relationship. Whether you want to admit it or not, this has been the pattern of your relationships throughout your whole life. The bottom line in this situation is that you have some serious self-esteem problems.
If you still have doubts, here are some questions you might ask yourself:
Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?
Do you get "high" from sex and/or romance?
Do you make promises to yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot stick to?
Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?
Do you believe that someone can "fix" you?
Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner?
Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?
Do you feel like you're not "really alive" unless you are with your sexual/ romantic partner?
Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do?
Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?
If you answered "yes" to two or more of these questions, you may want to consider getting some type of therapy or join a support group. I know there are support groups online as well as in "real" life.
I wish you healing.
*****
Astrea:
Saying that you're in a love/hate relationship sort of obscures the bigger issue: that your partner is totally unsuitable and inappropriate for you. To me, love/hate relationships are simply addictions to drama. You "don't want to live" without THIS guy? When he ignores you, you want to "kill yourself?" Those are very EXTREME statements, and you should examine the real issues behind them before you either leave OR continue in this relationship!
Loving someone means LOVING someone - all the time. Sure, our loved ones are going to annoy us now and then, and we're going to have disagreements, but this guy not only knows how to hurt you, he DOES IT ON PURPOSE.
If you don't feel loved by your mate half the time, then I think the relationship is detrimental to your emotional and mental health! Since you seem to know that he isn't going to change his approach to life and relationships, staying with him is only going to cause you to start hating YOURSELF sooner or later.
Why endure this over and over again? Do you enjoy having your hopes and self-esteem crushed on a regular basis? He seems to be getting a sick thrill out of keeping this going, because he begs you to come back for more again and again.
Some people are so afraid of opening their hearts all the way that they inject "bad things" into a relationship to justify holding back a bit. Others will get involved with the wrong people so that they feel free to misbehave themselves. This guy is taking advantage of you left and right. When you tell yourself, "Oh, it's just a love/hate relationship," then you continue to spin your wheels with him instead of making a clean break for freedom and something better in love.
Would he be open to some kind of couple's therapy to work on why he feels the need to cause you pain? Would you be open to exploring why you seem to WANT someone like him in your life? It might take a while, but that is the only way that you're going to create something much healthier with him or move on with your life.
It's perfectly acceptable to admit that you're not strong enough to leave him on your own, as long as you get some outside HELP with that. It's also fine to hope that therapy might enable him to be more loving and caring. If you suggest counseling and he won't go, then he has no interest in growing or changing, and that's your cue to run for the hills!
I feel the two of you have a strange loyalty to one another that is somehow Karmic. Together you can explore the true nature of this drama, which you've shared in many incarnations. If you work this out this lifetime, you won't have to keep repeating this pattern throughout eternity.
Astrea:
Many times in life we hear, "You will always have what you NEED, but not necessarily what you WANT." Your spirit must have needed to experience the feeling of leaving your human body, and the suggestion in the next chapter of Sylvia Brown's book was all it took to get you there.
Even though you hadn't read it yet, your SOUL recognized the title of that chapter as something it had been seeking, and your soul, knowing that you had that reference to read after your experience, got with it and out you went!
While I don't usually recommend her books, Sylvia Brown has a wide reaching and powerful effect on lots of people. A Gemini like you would be able to relate easily to her writing and put it to good use. Synchronicity - you gotta love it!
I like your description of "getting caught." That's exactly what it feels like, isn't it? One minute you're free and hovering above the room, and the next minute, ZAP! back down into your corporeal form you go!
As a little kid, I loved that "feeling of return." With practice, most of the time we can control that event, but sometimes, when our physical ears hear a distracting noise or something else occurs to knock us back into reality, back we go. With practice you will be able to control your return better.
I find it interesting that you were visiting your mother-in-law and not someone in your own genetic family. Evidently, you and your husband got married for reasons that are even deeper than love. His family's interest in "psychic stuff" will nurture your children in such matters and help them to grow into their own abilities.
You'll never have to be concerned that when your daughter visits them, she'll be discouraged from exploring her own psychic life and power. My parents encouraged me to develop my psychic senses in a time when it wasn't nice to even discuss such things in public. Heck, it's STILL not considered a great topic at the dinner table in some families!
Your kids will get to talk about it ALL and ask questions and read and study. This is going to give them such an edge in life! Talk with your husband about how you want to present this to your kiddos, so that you are united in your approach and ready to tell them their experiences are all natural and okay.
A word or two of warning: Geminis often have difficulty staying grounded in REAL LIFE. Don't get so strung out on your ASTRAL life that you neglect what you're doing here on Earth.
You are at the beginning of a long journey to learn where your power really lies. Try to be patient with this process and take your time.