by Susan Campbell and John Grey
When your partner’s behavior triggers one or your deep-seated fears, such as fear of being criticized, your brain’s alarm system initiates a state of fight-flight-freeze in your body. Once your higher brain receives these danger signals, your mind tries to make sense of why your body is in this state. Not realizing how brain chemistry works, most people believe and act according to whatever stories their minds come up with. Under stress, the part of the brain that makes meaning of what is going on seems to formulate worst-case stories. Instead of reassuring us that we are safe — that there is no cause for alarm — this part of the human brain fabricates quite a different story.
We call this our storytelling brain. It is the part of our wiring that concocts meaning. This meaning-making function is generally considered to be located in the brain’s left hemisphere. The explanations provided by our storytelling brain usually justify why our alarms are ringing: “My feelings don’t matter.” “I’m never appreciated.” “I always come last.” “Nothing I do is ever enough.” This kind of self-talk escalates activation, and we become even more upset.
Such stories can become an internal source of self-triggering that persists long after an incident is over. Eventually, these explanations coagulate into more rigid and long-lasting stereotypes that limit how we see each other and our relationship. This shifts how we feel about each other and sets up negative expectations that become self-fulfilling prophesies. For instance, Eric starts to “see” Donna as someone who is always upset, so he starts defending himself as soon as she opens her mouth to speak. Donna starts to see Eric as someone who is always resistant to her requests, so her voice becomes anxious and strident whenever she asks for his attention. When we believe the stories our minds make up, we make our fears come true.
These mistaken assessments can keep us in a state of constant vigilance, always on the verge of being triggered. As they continue over time, they take us ever deeper into the Hole, where seeing and hearing what’s actually happening becomes impossible. So it is of critical importance to recognize how the stories in our heads originate and how damaging they can be.
It pays to remember the wise adage: “Don’t believe everything you think!”
An excerpt from the book Five-Minute Relationship Repair. Copyright © 2015 by Susan Campbell and John Grey. Reprinted with permission from New World Library. www.NewWorldLibrary.comSusan Campbell, PhD, trains coaches and therapists throughout the United States and Europe to integrate the tools in Five-Minute Relationship Repair into their professional practices. In her own practice, she works with singles, couples, and work teams to help them communicate respectfully and responsibly. The author of Getting Real, Saying What’s Real, and other books, she lives in Sonoma County, California. www.susancampbell.com
John Grey, PhD, is a relationship coach specializing in intensive couples retreats. He also trains couples therapists in a state-of-the-art approach that integrates the latest neuro-science and attachment research. He has taught communication workshops at Esalen Institute, University of California at Berkeley, Stanford University, and Scripps Institute. He lives in Sonoma County, California. www.soulmateoracle.com