I am a Cancer, birth date 7-18-70, and back in May I started a relationship with a younger woman. Her birth date is 2-8-86. We started a friendship and then things got serious. We had closeness and intimacy. For months I tried to help her with her feelings for her ex-boyfriend. I fell in love with her. I did everything but buy a house for her, and then she started other relationships with other guys and called them friends. I finally found out the extent of those relationships. She got back recently with her ex, and now I am left with all these feelings and dreams that we started. I am both in love and depressed about it. Why did she push me so hard to get married, have sex, and plan a future with me, only to throw herself on other guys and finally go back to her ex? She tells her ex that we were just friends, but both of our families know we were dating. In fact, my mom thought we were going to get married. I think she is in denial. I still love her, but she hurt me so bad. I don't know what to do. Help! I want to know if there was anything that I haven't seen that I should know. She lies to everyone to get her way with them. I just wanted to love her as any real man loves a woman. I hope you can give me some guidance. Thanks.
- Bryan
Dreamchaser:
First, thank you for sharing this painful experience with us.
Now let's get down to what is happening here. The main lesson in this whole situation for you, Bryan, is for you to listen to your gut/ instincts/ inner voice - whatever word you want to choose.
Throughout this entire relationship, your gut was tweaking. You always "felt" that something was amiss, but because you loved her, you chose to ignore that nagging. We always know in our guts when something is not going to work out, or something is up. In retrospect we ALWAYS look back and say, "I knew it."
You absolutely must listen to your gut, even when it disagrees with what you think you want. Actually, it's especially important to listen then! The expression, "hindsight is 20/20" is popular for a good reason. We can look back and clearly see how things worked out for the best, even when we struggled against change at the time it was happening. Someday, in hindsight, you too will see how things worked out for the best here.
You have to not only understand but also accept that everything happens just as it is supposed to. She could not handle the practical details of the life you two were making together. She is the type of person who has to have drama happening all the time. For example, when things got settled and easy between you, she went to find new "friends."
She was very crafty in using that term. For your benefit, every other man in her life was a friend. For their benefit, you were a friend. She can have lots of friends taking care of her needs, and she doesn't have to work very hard to get by, nor does she have to make an actual commitment.
You want a commitment, and you are ready to commit to someone who will meet you halfway. If she had stayed with you, you would have stayed with her because you love her. By doing so, however, you would have kept yourself from the woman who is going to give you what you REALLY want and need, not what you THINK you want and need.
This is when life gets really tough. As human beings, we want love. We think we find someone that we want to love and we do whatever it takes to make that love work, even when it is not supposed to. However, as spiritual beings, we have this "knowledge" inside of us of what LOVE is supposed to be. So far you have not found that. You have proven you can love unconditionally, so it won't be long before the love you have to offer will be returned in kind.
In the mean time, please look inside of yourself and try to find out why you have this need to "fix" or "help" women. Is it perhaps so that you will become indispensable, and she will never want to leave you? Answer that question, and you'll move to a higher experience in love.
I wish for you the love you so desire.
*****
Astrea:
You poor thing! You got involved with a CHILD who APPEARED to be adult, when she was really running from one thing to another, trying to decide how she could be the happiest. At her young age, consideration for you was probably the LAST thing on her mind.
I'm so sorry you chose to let yourself be hurt by this youngster. I'm sure she didn't do any of the things that hurt you so much on PURPOSE; she just didn't know any better.
I see that she had a good time with you, and was momentarily grateful for the distraction you gave her from the other boyfriend, but ultimately, she was too immature to be with you, so she went back to that other person, who is more like her. Children have limits that are NATURALLY set by their ages and maturity levels, and it's easier for her to be with him.
Young girls are often about what is EASIEST for them. Your presence demanded that she behave in a mature fashion, and she just couldn't keep it up.
You say she was open to all your plans for the future. In the moment those plans were made, of course she was. Unfortunately, with kids her age, out of sight is out of mind, and as soon as you turned your back for a minute, she was off on some other teenage tangent. She couldn't focus on the future like you can.
The lying seems to be part of her personality, though if you asked her why she does that, she probably wouldn't know what you were talking about. She loved you as much as it was possible for her to love anyone. That is the way young girls who have never had to be responsible for their lives behave. Ten years from now, she might be ready to settle down with a nice guy like you, but she has too much growing up to do now.
You see, she thought you two were the SAME. She hasn't had enough life experience to realize that men your age who want to be in a committed relationship are SERIOUS about their marriage plans. She thought the two of you were just TALKING and having a good time, creating some kind of fairy tale "happily ever after" as she's seen on TV and in the movies. She had no idea your feelings for her ran any deeper than hers for you.
Perhaps the age difference should have tipped you off from the beginning. I do understand how easy it is to get caught up with people when we think we've found true love. However, expecting any eighteen-year-old person to be able to think clearly about her future is a stretch. Girls her age are still trying to decide what they are going to be when they grow up.
She's not in denial, because there is nothing for her to deny. You were fun until her other boyfriend came back, and as hurtful as that may sound to you, it's the truth.
Move on with your own life, and find someone you can TRUST with your heart. This time, try someone closer to your own age!