After ten years plus on this spiritual journey, I find myself riddled with more confusion and questions than ever. Here's one: If positive thinking and purity of heart is our natural state, then why is it so difficult to overcome our negativity? Once we realize our natural state, shouldn't it just become natural? I was raised in a family and social environment that destroyed my self-esteem and emotional stability, but I worked hard to overcome my issues and grow. Oddly, the more I sought change, the more I lost. This includes losing some fantastic people I loved. If these people loved me then, and I was working on becoming a better person, why would they fall away? Wouldn't "the Universe" seek to keep me surrounded with love? After all this time, I am still pushing that stone up the mountain. Why does it feel heavier and more impossible to push? Throughout, my intention has been to align with Spirit, do better and be a better person. Time and time again, I slip back into my old habits and feel so weak or abandoned by Spirit. If I desire to be "awake," then why doesn't "the Universe" acknowledge that desire with support? Millions of people are still "asleep" and I choose to awaken - why isn't this act blessed in and of itself? Mostly, I have found myself completely alone on this journey. It is often sad and painful. My prayers are not being answered. Moreover, though I've discovered what I am meant to do in life creatively, I have found no success doing it. As the song says, "Where is the Love?" Thanks for reading.
A.
Dreamchaser:
Thank you for bringing this issue to light. Every person who has ever walked this path has felt exactly like you do time and time again.
One of the most common assumptions about adopting a spiritual path is the idea that things will get easier. That is a profound misconception, for instead, things tend to get harder because you have to experience more challenges in order to grow more than people who choose to stay "unenlightened."
Did you begin this path to get rewards? Did you assume that just because you were living "right," you would enjoy a trouble free life? I say this all the time, but Jesus Christ was homeless and got murdered at a young age. There are many examples in whatever "Bible" you follow of great suffering while traveling the "path." At the same time, you have to remember that there is also great joy mentioned.
I explain all the time that life is like a spiral, not an upward climb. As we grow, we move around the spiral. As we learn, we move to a new level. For example, when we are done learning all the first grade lessons, we get promoted to the second grade. We are still learning all the same things such as math, science and history, but we are in a new class, with new books, desks, views, kids and a new teacher. We are in the same school, but in a different room. That is why things keep looking the same over and over, yet you KNOW you have been growing.
You are always surrounded by love. You are asking for romantic love. This is one of the hardest lessons that we humans have to learn, in my opinion. We have to learn that love only exists on the inside of us. "Intimacy" can also be pronounced "in to me see." EVERYTHING starts on the inside of us. Until you fully love yourself, you will not manifest a positive, strong, working romantic relationship.
If it is not happening on the outside, the reason is because you do not have it happening on the inside. You have SO much love inside yourself, but you still do not believe that you can have the relationship of your dreams. Look inside yourself and seek the reasons for your experiences.
We all go through times of darkness and times of light. When it is light, we are having fun, and the time seems to pass very quickly. When it is dark, the time seems to drag by, and nothing is easy, fun or happy. You are in a time of extreme darkness. The good news is that times of darkness DO pass. The sun WILL dawn on a brand new day, so to speak.
Look inside yourself to find the love you long for.
I wish you wholeness.
*****
Astrea:
Whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, all of us human beings are on a Spiritual Journey from the moment we are born on Earth. With our free will we select mates, political heroes and religious rituals. We make our own luck by making right choices as much as we possibly can. We create love or a lack of it for ourselves, and no one else is responsible for what we manifest.
Sometimes we definitely GOOF. At that point, we can choose to leave the past behind and move forward with our lives, or to sit down and wallow in the wrong choices we've made in self-pity. Many people choose sadness because they UNDERSTAND it, and it feels familiar and safe to them. They feel they've grown and changed, and many times, they have - but not enough to judge their own or anyone else's connection to Spirit. If this journey is making you angry, choose another path. If something isn't working for you, you can try something else.
From your questions, I can tell that you are about halfway through your Journey, that you have somewhat grown and changed, but you are still seeking some kind of value from your experiences, either to be acknowledged for coming from Darkness, or to be given some kind of REWARD. That isn't how Enlightenment works. Where did you get the idea that a spiritual path would always feel good?
Our inner state is always fluctuating. What was natural for you yesterday could feel extreme for you today. Human beings make human mistakes and choices. If the consequence of a choice is always sadness, make a different choice! By complaining that you're not receiving any "payback" from your "enlightenment," you block ANYTHING positive from coming to you.
Enlightenment is about peaceful acceptance and gratitude for the abundance in your life. The Universe is NOT responsible for your happiness - you are. Right action will bring what you want into your life, so you must not have found right action yet. You're resisting the TRUST aspect of enlightenment.
You seem to think that you've achieved enlightenment over and above the "millions of people who are asleep." If you had, you wouldn't feel out of touch, and CERTAINLY would not feel abandoned by Spirit! The free will choices we make that create drama and conflict for ourselves and others are NOT Spirit's doing or responsibility. How can you hear anything the Universe is trying to say to you if you keep yourself in agitation, anger, misery, and suffering? Spirit is telling me to tell you to "Be quiet! Hush! You are talking, but not listening!"