I grew up in a nightmare of a family. After my father went to prison for assorted crimes, my mother would regularly beat me and my brother and sister. When I was between the ages of 12 and 14, I was sexually molested by her boyfriend. I am now in my 40s, and have been walking a conscious spiritual path for a long, long time. I have had many amazing experiences that have led me to believe that we all have spirit guides and angels watching over us. All of this has left me wondering where my guardian angels were when I was a little girl and really needed them. Why do horrible things like that happen? If there are guardian angels, why do they allow children to be abused? Every time I go to pray for help now, I am full of doubt, for though I’ve had some amazing experiences, I don’t understand why that help wasn’t there for me when I was little and really needed it. I want to believe, I really do, but I can’t make sense of all of this.
I am a firm believer in the idea that nothing happens by mistake. Even though it is difficult to make sense of the horrible abuse you experienced as a child, there were spiritual reasons that divine wisdom and your guardian angels allowed these things to occur. We do not have to look far to see the suffering and abuse that goes on in the world, which can naturally make us question Spirit’s greater design.
There are a few things to consider as you ponder why your life unfolded as it did. Intellectually, it is almost impossible to justify, mainly because our minds are very limited in what they can comprehend. Perhaps if your childhood had been different, you would not have ended up following the spiritual path you are on now. There is no telling how you and your life would be different if the abuse had never occurred.
I read a story once about two sisters who found themselves in a concentration camp during World War II. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the hut they were confined to was roach infested. It was so bad that they could not sleep or eat without dealing with these insects. The sisters lamented their conditions until the war was over and they were freed. Later, they learned that because of the infestation, certain sexually abusive Nazi officers refused to enter the barracks they were in, which kept them from being raped. Further still, the officers who were assigned to take them to the gas chamber were so terrified of the infestation that they refused to go in. So in essence, the roaches saved them from sexual abuse and death.
It may also be that you came into this life with some past life karma that needed to be cleared. It is possible that you experienced abuse at the hands of these very people in a past life, and died before you were able to heal from or break free of it. When the same scenario repeated itself in this life, you were given a second opportunity to try to heal from that old trauma.
You may never be able to unravel the higher purpose behind the abuse you suffered as a child, but there is a powerful way to heal what happened so you can leave it behind. When we suffer through a seemingly unbearable situation, it takes on value when we find a way to use that experience to help others in similar situations. You may want to consider counseling abuse victims or volunteering at a battered women’s shelter so you can give others the support and love you longed for but never received as a child. In a sense, this will allow you to become a guardian angel for others. Perhaps that is what your guardian angels and Spirit had in mind all along.
We’ve all asked those big questions, but only when viewing life as occurring on a giant game board where guardian angels serve as referees. This view inevitably disappoints us, because our angels seem to make a lot of bad calls. Evil runs rampant, and the vulnerable get hurt. The game feels unfair, and we question whether we even want to participate.
There’s another point of view I would like you to consider where we are not pawns on a board but rather co-creators of the game itself. Every moment becomes a blossoming expression of the collective choices of earth’s co-creators. If all of those factors could be expressed in a math equation, we’d see that a given moment could not have unfolded any other way. Our creation is fluid because we can observe what came before, make adjustments, and affect change in the moments ahead. As individuals, we are but drops of water in the ocean, but when enough drops align in their intentions, they can turn the tide.
Yes, harm occurred, but that was the best we could collectively do in that moment. If you keep looking back to replay hurtful events, you sustain your suffering and, in essence, abuse yourself. You have the option to Be Here Now and enjoy your blessings. The events that harmed you are in the past; your thoughts ABOUT those events are in the present and under your control. If you compulsively re-experience your past, please seek professional help; if you are able to pull yourself back to the present, you will likely discover that all is well, or that you can help make it so.
If we could go back in time and witness the factors that led up to your father’s criminal behavior and your mother and her boyfriend’s abuse, we would likely understand it and feel compassion for each of them. Why didn’t your angels save you? That would not have been a simple task and, for the most part, I don’t believe angels intervene in human lives. Life is about free will, learning, growing, creating and transformation. While there may be benevolent forces that assist us at times – especially when asked – I do not believe they continually monitor and shape our reality. You can choose to forgive your angels and your parents for the hurt you experienced. To hold a grudge is to perpetually distance yourself from love today.
I’m sorry for your childhood pain, but you can end your suffering now by shifting your focus to creating a better tomorrow. As Harold Kushner recommends in his book When Bad Things Happen to Good People,
Do not ask God why something bad happened. Ask yourself how you will respond.
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