An excerpt from Breakup Rehab by Rebekah Freedom McClaskey
How does one regain confidence and optimism about love after a breakup? After her own relationship ended, author and counselor Rebekah Freedom McClaskey developed and practiced a series of small, step-by-step actions that ultimately helped her heal her heart and live in harmony with her destiny.
In Breakup Rehab: Creating the Love You Want, Rebekah meets readers in their states of grief or resignation and walks them through twelve steps to forgiveness and self-responsibility, self-compassion and self-awareness, power and purpose. We hope you’ll enjoy this excerpt from the book.
Step 2 of Breakup Rehab helps you connect with your authentic self. This is the part of you that will nurse you through being curled up in a fetal position into being able to confidently stand on your own two feet again. There is a big momma bear part of you that knows exactly what to do to take care of you. Trust it. The papa bear part of you is for fighting your battles. Your authentic self can be both.
Let’s dive in with a lil’ philosophy lesson, shall we? There is a you that’s observing you. That’s your authentic self. The awareness that you’re observing you is called meta- awareness. Think of it like this: we breathe automatically, but we can also control our breath. Eh? Pretty cool and also necessary for mindfulness practices, which you’ll need in order to access your authentic self.
Synonyms for the authentic self include the wise mind, the manager, Atman, Christ consciousness, dharma, and many others. In its essence it conveys the idea that we can surrender control to a force larger than our rational mind.
The authentic self is infinite and unchanging. The authentic self is the observer of our mind, ego, body, and being. Duuuuuude. For real. (I’ve clearly lived in California for too long.) Okay, so back to where we were: Breakup. Identity crisis. Confusion.
Don’t you hate the feeling that your ex is doing, like, ten times better than you are? They’re posting on Instagram great pictures of food — at the brunch place you used to eat at together. Secretly, you hope they choke on it — or is that too violent? Whatever it is you’re feeling, you’re going to need to feel it, and to do that you must connect with your authentic self — the observer.
The authentic self communicates through feelings. Our gut sensations and nonverbal communications create an intuitive pattern. Intuition is an inner understanding that the mind, soul, body, and heart are all connected. It links these parts of us together through something that feels like an inner knowing. It takes stillness to connect to this feeling and to listen to the authentic self. In a word, meditation.
The authentic self is like a professor who watches over his university students. Parts of our psyche are like those college kids. Some parts are bullies. Some parts are caregivers. Some parts are lovers. Some parts won’t come out to play. Some party too hard. Some parts are evil. Some parts are good. The authentic self watches over all of them. Let’s get the most out of this metaphor and say that all these parts of us interact in the classroom that’s life — and relationships...and sex.
So here we are in the university of life, learning about ourselves. Then a breakup happens; it’s like being given a test you didn’t realize you had to study for. Each part reacts differently to the “final” of the relationship. Some parts scramble to hide, others fight, others faint, others freeze, and some get aroused and want to release the stress through sex. Breakups have a way of reminding us that we’re not in control of every part.
The second step of BRx assures us that there is a force bigger than the sum of our parts that we can rely on — our authentic self. In other words, being in the director’s seat is different than being the actor. It’s a matter of perspective. Since you’ve mastered letting go by now — ha — then shifting perspectives should be easy, no?
It’s going to take a little more finessing. That mind of yours is going to hammer away at the logistics of the breakup, how moronic your ex is, how bad you feel, or how guilty you feel for not feeling bad. We all need time to wallow and make bad decisions until one day, we just choose something else.
I’ve slept with so many guys in response to rejection. It just sort of happens, and dating apps make it really easy to do. So I’m not suggesting that — poof ! — you get all Zen with your authentic self and then everything will be better. How rad would that be? I just mean that you know better and once you know that you know better you can know how to do better and do it.
Trusting your authentic self helps you do better and be better and feel better. In a small way, solving your problems helps to solve the world’s issues. I guarantee that you won’t get every aspect of life right. I’m clearly still learning that. Keep trying to trust yourself. Don’t attempt to use Google to figure it out. You’re your own Google. Be still and listen to your authentic self.
Rebekah Freedom McClaskey is the author of Breakup Rehab: Create the Love You Want. A relationship specialist with a master’s degree in counseling psychology, her private practice focuses on helping clients get what they want out of life and love. She lives in Rancho Santa Fe, California. Visit her online at www.rebekahfreedom.com.
Excerpted from the book Breakup Rehab: Create the Love You Want. Copyright ©2017 by Rebekah Freedom McClaskey. Printed with permission from New World Library.
"Life happens. Life in the flow."
We learn over time that nobody can solve our problems, but someone can guide you how to solve the problem. You may receive guidance through a teacher, a guru or even strangers that you run into every day. As we practice yoga we learn that the more we know, the less we truly know. Every day I am reminded how much I truly do not know; a very humbling experience.
Yoga teaches me to be present. To just live for being and enjoying life as it is right NOW. Not ten minutes from now, no five days ago, but right now. We are taught to get out of our heads, to release worries and fears of the past or the future and to only live for this very moment. Presence.
"Lead me from untruth to truth, lead me from darkness to light." ~ Buddha
Through yoga we are reminded that we do have a dark side as well as a light side. We are not to repress the dark side, but embrace that side of our Self. We are the yin and the yang. We ultimately cleanse the dark stuff we hold inside. We shine the light on this. We must make friends with dark side. Both positive and negative balance out the whole. Daily practice refines and improves our inner vision to see our Self more clearly. We no longer need to run from fears. Face them and say I'm not running from you anymore. So much is in our heads, so much dark is only in our heads, self-doubt judgment betrayal. Yoga grounds the body so that the light and dark sides of ourselves become clear. So much is truly untrue. But as we diligently practice we are able to find the middle ground and walk our centered balanced line in life. We gain balance in centered lightheartedness. We can have harmony in both light and dark.
"Yoga tells us that the world is actually a projection of our own thoughts and we can modify our inner world to manifest into our outer world. When our inside realm is at peace and in harmony, our outer world shines this projection back at us." ~ David, Jiva Mukti Yoga co-founder
Yoga is observation.
We can observe our world and see what part that is in us is begin reflected back to us. We can then see what part of us needs modification or adjustment in order to have our outer reality reflect back to us the peace, happiness and love we so greatly desire and deserve.
Yoga is already inside of you. Happiness is there. Yoga helps you peel away the onion layers to get to the core. To freedom. The deepest Divine connection to the Ultimate Light Source.
Come out of wanting and back into acceptance and Joy. A yogi or yogini can turn any situation into bliss. That is a yogi. Yoga is being now. Ultimate yoga is meditation. Just BE.
Yoga is love.
"Love is the light that dissolves all walls between souls." ~ Paramahansa Yogananda
Through a dedicated practice of all forms of yoga we can participate in the world with a sense of freedom, unaffected from trauma, depression, anger, etc. The freedom is balance in both.
Maggie Anderson is a Yoga & Spiritual Teacher, Reiki Master Teacher, Integrated Energy Therapy® Master Instructor, Soul Coach®, Past Life Coach, Magnified Healing® Master Teacher and Angelights Messenger. She is the author of How I Found My True Inner Peace and Divine Embrace. You can contact Maggie at SpiritualCompassConnection.com.
"Follow Your Bliss. It's Your Spiritual Compass."